Do you reserve the right to check your college kids’ texts if you’re paying the phone bill?

[Anonymous]

I can understand how parents get scared and want to protect their kids but after 18, you've to treat them differently and give them chance to figure out things on their own.

[Anonymous]

How would you even do it? If you’re just demanding the phone on command they are going to get good at deleting everything very quickly.

[Anonymous]

I didn't even check my younger kid's texts in high school. What would you be looking for in his room and car exactly? I know my AC (recent college grad who will be around occasionally this summer before grad school) buys THC gummies and rolls the occasional joint. These things are legal for someone his age living in this state and he is free to enjoy.

If I thought he was homicidal or something maybe I would check?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I already don't do this with my middle and high schooler, so unless they were mentally ill or drugged, I can't imagine doing this. Their car, until they can afford to buy one, is our car, so I see anything my driving teen leaves behind. We pay for everything, and will continue to do so for many years.

I don't know what to tell you, OP, except that neither my husband or I or anyone in the family ever ran into any trouble as youths, and neither do my teens or their cousins. For us it's easier to build trust than be authoritarian.

You really should supervise your minor teenagers x. Middle school is WAY, way too young to have a device and no supervision on it. That DOES mean reading their content.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord!! Who are you raising? Norman Bates?

[Anonymous]

I’d like to say no way, but I know & have been thru scenarios where it makes sense. Are they behaving erratically or sharing things that have you seriously worried of something happening (like a mental health crisis, suicide ideation, eating disorder, etc)? If not, I wouldn’t - but if yes, you feel something major is going on, I think you have to do something to figure out how you can help them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand how parents get scared and want to protect their kids but after 18, you've to treat them differently and give them chance to figure out things on their own.

I have never done this and my 19-year-old kid has had a phone since 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

No. That's disturbing.

[Anonymous]

If they're not 18 and/or the phone number & contract is registered in my name, yes I would reserve the right as I'm responsible for it. I doubt I would ever check though. If they're under a strict rule due to substance abuse and a condition of living at home/me paying their rent is no using, yes I would reserve the right for accountability purposes and I would pronably check some things sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Yes If they have a history of Anything illegal or self harm. Otherwise, no.

[Anonymous]

Grades YES, this not so much

[Anonymous]

look, I'm not a mom in the DC area and i ended up here from a list of "lol look this this list of funny niche forums" someone posted, so this may be WAY out of line and someone needs to ban me:

This thread hit me hard because I've had college aged friends in the area & similar wealthy areas of the US with mental issues and parents that would take their phones and search all their stuff, etc

They were in college and their mom would steal their phone and read their texts because of the suicide risk (and a dozen other reasons but she loved to use mental health to justify it), but why was there a suicide risk???

Is it because of having a neurotic mother that "checks" on them every 30 minutes since the cradle? Because of having a father that sees their child as an "investment" and not a human being?


The "answer my texts" "where are you" "where are you" "hey, answer my texts" parents, the life 360 gps stalker parents, the "I pay for your roof be grateful" parents, the "food you eat is mine i just let you eat it" parents, the "I pay your tuition and planned your life so you belong to me forever" parent.

the parents that make you think you'd rather be dead than have to be "grateful" anymore because gratefulness to them is not true gratefulness, but a demand of compliance and subservience.

Real gratefulness is like happy and free rushing water in the heart, you can encourage it by example, but one can't demand it.

one of my friends got clean from both substance abuse and suicidality by running far, far, away (and nearly becoming homeless) and he does not answer the phone very often when family calls

Sadly, he's scared to accept gifts or rely on others because he always thinks there is strings attached because of how he was raised, he cannot seem to believe anything is really his, or "safe" unless he bought it with his own money.

His family would always throw anything they gave to him into his face, if he does not do what they want. (All those tutors for NOTHING!) Or buy things for him as an excuse to control that resource.

How sad it is not to know a true gift!

(this reply is not directed at anyone specific here, I promise)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want your child to continue to talk to you after they graduate?

They can work and pay a phone bill.

[Anonymous]

No! Never. I don’t even read my kids’ texts.

[Anonymous]