How do you know if the grass is greener?

[Anonymous]

You just don't know. Some people find better matches, some don't. It's not really about your dating prospects, it's more your mindset and how capable you are of making a life on your own. You need eyes wide open about the challenges of dating in middle age.

But also- life is too short to spend it with someone who you are only with because you're terrified of being alone. So many marriages are like this because people want to keep up the facade.

We all have relatives celebrating their 30 year anniversaries and we know they couldn't stand each other for 15 years of that time

[Anonymous]

Has your DH really done the work to fix himself and the marriage ? Have you done marriage counseling? This sounds like a salvageable situation. Read on survivinginfidelity.com - there’s lots of great advice on steps to take to rebuild your relationship. It takes action and commitment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are discussing a divorce after 15 years together. We’re good coparents, friends, and on the same page for future goals and finances. There’s not a lot of romance but there is companionship. And we both like being with our kids full time.

Our major issue is he cheated on me several years ago. We did marital counseling for more than a year and have gotten to a better place, but it’s not something we have fully moved on from. It’s just weighed down things and we are now really 50/50 if we want to stay together.

Is the grass always greener? We both admit neither is dying to go date or remarry right away, but I think we are both curious if it is better to be apart and solo for a chance at something that may be more romantic. Or if being friendly and parenting in a stable household and trying to maintain or improve things is better. We don’t fight or bicker, the kids are elementary aged, and it would be a big hardship to have two households financially.

We’re not miserable but not living blissfully. Has anyone BTDT and what did you decide? Did you have regrets making the decision?

Solo life after my divorce was financially harder, but so good for my mental well-being and overall happiness of myself and my kids.

I eventually remarried, but no regrets about leaving my exH other than the fact I waited as long as I did.

[Anonymous]

Grass isn’t greener. I divorced years ago for similar reasons. I go on lots of 1st dates and can confirm that everything you hear about dating nowadays is true.

If I could do things over again, I’d pick comfortable and easy over what my life is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are discussing a divorce after 15 years together. We’re good coparents, friends, and on the same page for future goals and finances. There’s not a lot of romance but there is companionship. And we both like being with our kids full time.

Our major issue is he cheated on me several years ago. We did marital counseling for more than a year and have gotten to a better place, but it’s not something we have fully moved on from. It’s just weighed down things and we are now really 50/50 if we want to stay together.

Is the grass always greener? We both admit neither is dying to go date or remarry right away, but I think we are both curious if it is better to be apart and solo for a chance at something that may be more romantic. Or if being friendly and parenting in a stable household and trying to maintain or improve things is better. We don’t fight or bicker, the kids are elementary aged, and it would be a big hardship to have two households financially.

We’re not miserable but not living blissfully. Has anyone BTDT and what did you decide? Did you have regrets making the decision?

Solo life after my divorce was financially harder, but so good for my mental well-being and overall happiness of myself and my kids.

I eventually remarried, but no regrets about leaving my exH other than the fact I waited as long as I did.

Were you good friends, companions, etc? What OP describes sounds like a really decent life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grass isn’t greener. I divorced years ago for similar reasons. I go on lots of 1st dates and can confirm that everything you hear about dating nowadays is true.

If I could do things over again, I’d pick comfortable and easy over what my life is now.

Similar to OP and this is a major fear of mine. I wouldn’t leave for the chance at someone new, that wouldn’t be the reason. TBH dating isn’t even something I’m thinking about. I have no illusions how hard it is to date in my 40s with children. And know I likely would stay unmarried.

Do I trade stability and convenient co-parenting despite growing apart, some resentment and trust issues, for struggling financially and less time with kids, and the possibility of being alone. Don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

The grass is never greener. Second and third marriages have much higher divorce rates as well. I would not ever divorce and plan on getting a new love interest I would divorce planning on being alone forever. If I ever divorce I will not date again period. I don't mind being alone.

[Anonymous]

My marriage isn’t in a good place and I am about 50/50 whether to walk away or try to make it work. I do think the grass can look greener but often isn’t. Supporting two homes and shuffling children would be arduous and drain our savings. That is what is keeping me wanting to try or settle even though we have some major problems.

[Anonymous]

It is hard to tell it out hearts can really change. I work and have two kids but my spouse makes three times as much and has significant family money. Yet we have no assets and don’t save. I’m terrified of leaving and I am ok being alone. He was emotionally abusive but is now going to therapy and trying to change. Yet my heart doesn’t feel connected emotionally in the same way. Part of me wants to stay and part wonders if despite financial struggle if we would all feel more peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to tell it out hearts can really change. I work and have two kids but my spouse makes three times as much and has significant family money. Yet we have no assets and don’t save. I’m terrified of leaving and I am ok being alone. He was emotionally abusive but is now going to therapy and trying to change. Yet my heart doesn’t feel connected emotionally in the same way. Part of me wants to stay and part wonders if despite financial struggle if we would all feel more peace

Same, although we make almost the exact amount of money. The abuse was really bad and drove me to the edge of my sanity- do I really want to stay with someone who was willing to treat me that way, even if they are “sorry” now and changed? They only changed when I made it clear I was ready to leave the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The grass is never greener. Second and third marriages have much higher divorce rates as well. I would not ever divorce and plan on getting a new love interest I would divorce planning on being alone forever. If I ever divorce I will not date again period. I don't mind being alone.

The grass is greener if you don't want to be married to that person. Period. I will never remarry. The grass is so much greener!

(I agree people should not divorce based on the idea of a new relationship; that is stupid and may never happen.)