How do you know if the grass is greener?

[Anonymous]

DH and I are discussing a divorce after 15 years together. We’re good coparents, friends, and on the same page for future goals and finances. There’s not a lot of romance but there is companionship. And we both like being with our kids full time.

Our major issue is he cheated on me several years ago. We did marital counseling for more than a year and have gotten to a better place, but it’s not something we have fully moved on from. It’s just weighed down things and we are now really 50/50 if we want to stay together.

Is the grass always greener? We both admit neither is dying to go date or remarry right away, but I think we are both curious if it is better to be apart and solo for a chance at something that may be more romantic. Or if being friendly and parenting in a stable household and trying to maintain or improve things is better. We don’t fight or bicker, the kids are elementary aged, and it would be a big hardship to have two households financially.

We’re not miserable but not living blissfully. Has anyone BTDT and what did you decide? Did you have regrets making the decision?

[Anonymous]

Only divorce if you’d be happier divorced than potentially never marrying again.

[Anonymous]

Maybe try counseling again. If you have kids, two households is a lot of juggling and blended families can be complicated. I would say give it a year with an excellent counselor and get some clarity before moving on. Sounds like you need to figure out what the block to deeper connection might be, and whether there’s any way to rebuild trust or if it’s gone forever.

[Anonymous]

Given that as you age and enter menopause, the vast majority of couples slow way down on the physical romance (outliers who love to post here notwithstanding), if that is all you mean by "romance," you should also talk to your doctors, not just a counselor.

[Anonymous]

No it isn’t.

Grass is greener when it’s growing over sh!t.

[Anonymous]

Imho most couples (other than ones abusive situations) should get detailed physical and mental screening and one year of trail separation before filing for divorce .

[Anonymous]

*trial

[Anonymous]

The grass was greener for me. Much happier in my second marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only divorce if you’d be happier divorced than potentially never marrying again.

NP. +1 And I'd add, divorced, never marrying again, and him remarrying and bringing a stepmom into your kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Grass is greener for me - divorced and single and dating. Divorce is a “solution” to the “problem” of being divorced to a particular person. It’s not a guaranty for a better future relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The grass was greener for me. Much happier in my second marriage.

More details please: kids, age you got divorced, length of marriage, what was the problem?

[Anonymous]

Guy here who went outside his marriage. The grass was definitely not greener with the woman I cheated with. Ex and I tried for a year but she never got over it and I didn’t want to face it head on. I feel it was salvageable had I dealt with it head on. So, if you both feel it’s salvageable and he deals with it head on, is 100% open and honest, puts in the time, it can be saved. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

You state "we" never got over the cheating. What is there for him to get over? He cheated, not you.

He sounds like a douche, and you sound like you are taking blame for something you did not do in order to seem rational and reasonable. No wonder you can't get over the cheating.

Are you hoping to find a 40+ divorced man who never cheated on his wife? Or are you hoping to find one who takes full account for what he did?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guy here who went outside his marriage. The grass was definitely not greener with the woman I cheated with. Ex and I tried for a year but she never got over it and I didn’t want to face it head on. I feel it was salvageable had I dealt with it head on. So, if you both feel it’s salvageable and he deals with it head on, is 100% open and honest, puts in the time, it can be saved. I wish you the best.

OP, see the bolded.

Stop enabling your DH to be an unrepentant, irresponsible ahole with this "we" stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You state "we" never got over the cheating. What is there for him to get over? He cheated, not you.

He sounds like a douche, and you sound like you are taking blame for something you did not do in order to seem rational and reasonable. No wonder you can't get over the cheating.

Are you hoping to find a 40+ divorced man who never cheated on his wife? Or are you hoping to find one who takes full account for what he did?

If DH has more social market value, then he doesn't really need to take blame or take some sort of DCUM "account" for what he did. DW really needs to step up so he doesn't have a reason to step outside the marriage.

Why don't you two just open the marriage? Do a "don't ask, don't tell" thing. Then you would actually KNOW if the grass is greener rather than imagining and hypothesizing.