How to gracefully back out of a grandparent visit?

[Anonymous]

Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.

+1 so true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.

+1 so true

And thanks to her ILs, she'll know how to behave so people want to visit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.

I agree with this post. You have to deal with it and force the boundaries. Your kids will benefit from knowing them if you can manage to do it. It’s worth the effort to push the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

Yeah I’d go with that one, I actually live in the Bay Area and laughed when I read that post because it was exactly what I was thinking.

I really hope your parents aren’t actually in Northern California in a rural area and like setting off their own fireworks. It’s not as dry now as it was last year but setting off fireworks inland is crazy! They are going to end up burning down their area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

I think this is great. Just chiming in to say that you could go to them, stay in a hotel, and meet them somewhere like a park or restaurant, so you are never in their house. We do this with my parents because of hoarding. But, I like my parents and they are overall supportive so that's why the middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Other excuse if it is the Bay Area is that traffic was terrible when you left and you don’t want to go through that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again, thanks for your advice everyone. It is hard sometimes when everyone makes you feel like the crazy ones for just wanting a safe environment for your kids, and you sadly realize the grandparents just cannot provide that. ( I honestly do not know how my husband survived as a kid.)

In conclusion,
I am looking forward to our last minute wonderful, can’t pass it up, “whale watching trip in monterey.”

Yeah I’d go with that one, I actually live in the Bay Area and laughed when I read that post because it was exactly what I was thinking.

I really hope your parents aren’t actually in Northern California in a rural area and like setting off their own fireworks. It’s not as dry now as it was last year but setting off fireworks inland is crazy! They are going to end up burning down their area.

Dont worry! It’s not CA, much rainier place that has been getting buckets of rain. But i agree home fireworks are just so reckless!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

Good to know. So I guess I need to explain that I was beaten, starved, and neglected by a drug addicted parent until I was put into foster care for you to respect me? Maybe show some compassion and understand that there is a lot you may not know. In the meantime, I have no respect for judgmental people who lack empathy, so sounds like we agree as to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read your update. This is your vacation and you already saw them at their house. Now you can invite them to whatever you planned and it’s up to them if they come.

Thanks for inviting us over again next weekend. We won’t be able to come because we have a day long trip planned to Alcatraz. Let us know if you would like to meet us there and we can hang out in San Francisco before we head back home.

Do this, or just lie (I would probably lie - maybe say your kids have pinkeye. No one wants pinkeye).

I don’t understand why people won’t lie to keep the peace. My ILs are very difficult people with good intentions. I have a good relationship with them because I know when to keep my mouth shut and when to tell a white lie. They don’t respect boundaries and refuse to change.

I don’t need them to agree with me/my parenting or be my good friends, I just need them to love my kids and not say anything terribly damaging or get out/of-control drunk. Sometimes that requires pinkeye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

+1 Some day you will be the one hoping for a visit.

Another +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

Good to know. So I guess I need to explain that I was beaten, starved, and neglected by a drug addicted parent until I was put into foster care for you to respect me? Maybe show some compassion and understand that there is a lot you may not know. In the meantime, I have no respect for judgmental people who lack empathy, so sounds like we agree as to each other.

Team OP. ACOA and trauma survivor.
You truly don’t understand. My parents are and were fortunate to have had a relationship with my DC. I’m a model of magnanimity, forgiveness and grace. I’ve forgiven but will never forget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.

I agree with this post. You have to deal with it and force the boundaries. Your kids will benefit from knowing them if you can manage to do it. It’s worth the effort to push the subject.

so agree with this! Your kids are watching you.

[Anonymous]

OP here with another update. Well, letting them know we were staying in the city went about as well as you might think.

MIL told my husband that she's glad he finally had kids, because now he will understand what a gigantic disappointment children are to their parents and how all parents get to the point where they wish they'd never have had kids, and if she could go back in time she definitely would not have had him.

So, so glad we are not wasting our precious vacation time with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your update, do you even care about being graceful? They're toxic and careless people who actively undermine your parenting. Just as straightforward "we had a change of plans and won't be able to visit this time" will do.

Why not give people a chance to change by being honest. Would you appreciate it if your boyfriend or husband just left you with no explanation, but a "sorry this doesn't work for me." Let the grandparents know that spoiling the kids (which is how they probably see it) does not work for you and will have consequences.