How to gracefully back out of a grandparent visit?

[Anonymous]

It's true-how did you get yourself in that situation?
Did you say you will go visit and now want to back out? If you say your plans have change, it better sound like there is no other way to move the important event that is replacing them.

Or is it one of those thing that the grandparents make statements and insist you are coming in 2 weeks right? If this is the case, it's easier to get out.

This is why my DH does not say yes to his mom until it is absolutely ok. I don't get involve with the strained relationship there. I think I can help them smooth it out but it is exhausting. We can give 3 weeks we are available and it is always the other week that we aren't available that is ok with her-crazy. I don't get it. This happens often.

If you decide to back out. It is best to say, you will go at another time, by the end of summer, that is. Plan on that and do it. Not next summer. It's important to understand that Old people only have limited time left even if they are healthy. Think about that-all they want to do is to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you tell them you were going, or did you agree to go? Why are they under the impression that you will be there?

Tell the truth: “Just wanted to update you that we will not be able to visit in June as planned. We’ve had a few things come up, and it’s not possible at this time. We understand this is disappointing, but we look forward to seeing you in [next date].”

Above is perfect. Don't lie because you will be caught.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

[Anonymous]

OMG set them straight:

we're not coming because you refuse to honor our boundaries and circumvent our parenting.

[Anonymous]

I think some form of honesty is called for here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

After reading this, just use 15:41's clean response:
“Just wanted to update you that we will not be able to visit in June as planned. We’ve had a few things come up, and it’s not possible at this time. We understand this is disappointing, but we look forward to seeing you in [next date].”

The shorter, the better. Don't belabor this, offer alternatives or explanations. Just keep it short.

[Anonymous]

we look forward to seeing you in [next date].”

no. This is lying. Set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

Show us your source for those statistics evil grandma. We know you are full of it.

[Anonymous]

I'll preface this by saying, I am really comfortable lying to my family, so this might be pushing it for others.

Just look up a activity/ event in the opposite direction of where they live and say, "hey, we got last minutes tickets for a whale watching tour in Monterey. I'm sorry we won't make it back to see you, but this is a once in a lifetime chance for the kids to see Orcas and they are so excited!"

(though maybe make it something less exciting in case they ask to see photos)

[Anonymous]

Given your update, do you even care about being graceful? They're toxic and careless people who actively undermine your parenting. Just as straightforward "we had a change of plans and won't be able to visit this time" will do.

[Anonymous]

Just keep it very simple and vague. “We’ve had a change of plans and will no longer be able to visit you.” No lying, no sugarcoating, no need to get into a discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

So if extended family was abusive and nasty make sure they get to see the kids? Because it's what they want? Yeah, I'm teaching them they deserve to be loved and treated right. I have zero respect for your judgmental remark. Please provide link to the statistics. You're an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)

You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually have very little respect for people who can't get along with extended family.

Statistically speaking, when your kids are grown, they'll hate you, too, and you'll be alone. This is what you're teaching them.

I would like to see those statistics. Can you provide them? Your comment seems to rely on them.

[Anonymous]

I read your update. This is your vacation and you already saw them at their house. Now you can invite them to whatever you planned and it’s up to them if they come.

Thanks for inviting us over again next weekend. We won’t be able to come because we have a day long trip planned to Alcatraz. Let us know if you would like to meet us there and we can hang out in San Francisco before we head back home.