Reply to How to gracefully back out of a grandparent visit?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. thanks for the advice guys.

More details below for those who think we're being unreasonable (details changed to protect privacy but otherwise they are the very real problems we face with them)

We're visiting their general location (let's say it's the Bay Area and we're visiting from DC) We're staying in San Francisco and they are in someplace like Tracy. we've already visited once on this trip and planned to visit again at the end for a long weekend.

However, the first visit sucked (even more than usual). The grandparents don't respect the kids' sleep schedule (revving them up with fireworks at midnight, then complain that they slept in the next morning...)

Literally every single thing I tell the kids, grandma says the opposite is okay, even when it's dangerous...I'll say to my 3 year old, "hold my hand in the parking lot" and grandma will be like, "you don't have to listen to your mom, let go of her hand!"

their house is also pretty hazardous (think random sharp objects like axes for cutting firewood lying around backyard, trampoline next to the fire pit, no railings or safety gates on stairs, unfenced pool, etc..)

They are not capable of being reasoned with or taking anyone else's feelings into consideration. My husband tells them "NO. Do not tell our five year old to bike around on the roof. I don't care if it's flat, it's not safe." And they make fun of him, telling them he's raising the kids to be soft.

For what it's worth I don't think they really enjoy these visits much either. Grandma is a church lady and spends a lot of her time on that, and Grandpa spends a lot of the day outside the house with his friends and working on his hobbies, so we don't even spend that much time together on visits.

(And no, they will not come to San Francisco to visit us...we suggested that once and they got so insulted. even though they go into the city for specialist appointments, church field trips, etc.)
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You have to say something directly. These are safety issues. If someone told my child they didn’t have to hold my hand in a parking lot I would be so furious. I would call and say that you were very unhappy with how the first visit went and you aren’t willing to listen to them undermine your parenting again. If you plan another visit, have a discussion ahead of time reminding them you expect them to not interfere with your parenting. If they do it again no more visits for a while. My husband had to do a milder version of this with his parents (they were not as bad as you described but it was enough something had to be said). It was awkward for a while but they have it together now (my SIL thankfully took the same position and they decided they were willing to exercise some self control to maintain contact with their grandchildren). If they had not we probably wouldn’t visit them. If that’s where you are at you may as well be be honest.[/quote]

I agree with this post. You have to deal with it and force the boundaries. Your kids will benefit from knowing them if you can manage to do it. It’s worth the effort to push the subject.[/quote]

so agree with this! Your kids are watching you. [/quote]

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