How Independent is your 16 year old DS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

13:39 PP here. I'll provide more input for those that are interested:
- He has been traveling alone to visit grandparents in Arizona since he was 9 years old. Back then, we would take him to the gate and they would pick him up at the gate. Once he turned 14, we started saying goodbye at security and he would meet the grandparents at baggage claim. Now, we just drop him off at the door and they pick him up at the door.
- He drives and bikes to school and activities
- He plans his own schedule, I suppose, around practices and school and such.
- He does not really completely coordinate his own activities -- I sign him up for sports leagues, I plan our vacations, he will coordinate his job schedule this summer around the already planned activities
- He just found a job at Safeway (I made suggestions on where to apply) and will be working 25-30 hours per week over the summer, cutting back to 6-10 hours a week during the school year.
- He very much enjoys his sports and working out.
- He has had his own student checking account since he was 14. He deposits checks through the online app. He uses his debit card and is an authorized user on our credit card. He recently set up direct deposit for his new job.
- He has chores as discussed in my other post
- He is not responsible for siblings or grandparents.
- He shovels snow, he takes care of his pet lizard, he plays with our dog, he has gotten pizza delivered, he has not dealt with contractors
- He has spend one 36 hour period alone and it went fine. We have another weekend trip planned for next month.

No friends and no girlfriend, huh? How are his social skills?

PP here. He has friends, but he has never had a girlfriend. As I said in my original post, he seems a little socially immature to me (as do his friends). He generally interacts well with other kids and adults, and his teachers and coaches and other parents always have nice things to say about him. Hopefully, he will figure out the romantic stuff within a few years.

[Anonymous]

-Mows lawn
-Drives himself to school, helps me by picking up younger siblings from their activities.
-Has worked full time last summer and again this summer
-Manages his checking account.

[Anonymous]

Exercise - He uses the treadmill, rowing machine and now the weight machine in the basement. His pediatrician had insisted that he started doing 45 minutes on the treadmill since he was 10. He is normal weight and fitness. Her opinion was that kids do not get enough play throughout the school year and so daily 45 minutes on treadmill is a habit he must cultivate. During the pandemic years, he started using more equipments.

Religion - Prays every day but does not go to the temple. Will follow any ritual I ask him to in the moment, but his daily habit is around 5 minutes of praying and that's the end of it. He told me once that when he is done with his daily prayers, he does not feel that he is responsible anymore about how his day unfolds.

Oral Hygiene - Brushes twice a day, floss, waterpik, gargle, cleans tongue with a copper scraper. Changes brush monthly. Cleans copper scraper with salt and lemon every 2-3 days.

Personal grooming - showers everyday, used medicated shampoo, uses moisturizer/sunscreen, keeps nail short, shaves when he gets some facial hair, keeps hair short.

Food - Eats balanced meals and stays away from junk food. Soda, chips, donuts - rarely. Adventurous eater but wants parents to fix the elaborate meals for him. He likes to be served good food and a lot of variety. Likes to eat in good restaurants. Can cook but does not. Has mad knife-skills and can chop all the veggies you want him to chop. Precise and fast.

Clothes - Very standard tastes and minimalist in some ways. Wears clothes once and then it needs to be laundered. Can do laundry but won't do it. Expects me to do his laundry, fold clothes, iron what needs to be ironed, put away the clothes in his dresser. Will put his clothes in the laundry hamper.

Chores - can do dishes, vacuum etc. Won't unless I ask him. Will take away trash, sort clothes, recycle, water plants, without asking. Will make tea for guests and serve it in a tray with cookies and other snacks - and it impresses everyone a lot. He loves babies and can usually soothe a crying baby. Draws a line at messy things like changing diapers or feeding babies.

Keeps his room clean (minimalist). No shoe-indoors household. Makes his bed daily, and will help me to change sheets every week.

My kid is a very capable kid, but does not do too many chores. He is not messy so I do not have to pick up after him. He excels at school easily despite being in a rigorous program, excels in his EC. Popular, compassionate, cautious, level headed, frugal and considerate. He is super smart, not on social media, career focused, motivated, respectful, well read, calm, mentally healthy and has a great circle of friends who all are good kids. He makes good choices.

He has access to our Amazon account, Paypal, Costco, Kohls, Macys, REI, starbucks and uber accounts. That is the level of trust we have in both the kids. (Of course, mom is keeping an eye on them!)

He manages all his schoolwork, all the travel details for scholastic competitions, manages his projects and has great time and project management skills. But, the normal chores like fixing meals, packing lunch, cleaning the house, laundry...he does not do that. He delegates to us. We don't even want him to do these chores as long as he knows how to do it. We know we have it very good with him. He is a wonderful kid. Very respectful and well-liked. Super diplomatic and righteous.

[Anonymous]

15.5 yrs old DS

Wash dishes
Empty dishwasher
Clean his room/vacuum*
Clean his bathroom*
Help with yardwork/pull weeds etc. (we have fake turf)
Studying for drivers permit
Puts away laundry (have shown him how to do laundry but have yet to see him do his own)
Cooks simple food (grilled cheese, scrambled eggs, make instant ramen, simple Trader Joe's/frozen snacks/second dinners etc.)
Does his own homework/stays on top of studying for tests/projects etc. - I only follow up in school app if I see something amiss from a previous deadline

*Maybe not to my standards but he does it

He's very adapt to anything iPhone/app based (GrubHub etc.) but ask him to *call and speak to someone* and it's freakout city… so I work on that with him. He checks into reservations when we talk into a restaurant etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought my kid was behind but I guess not. He’s 13 and he gets himself up and to school every morning, making his own breakfast. He is completely self motivated and organized re getting all his homework done and keeping track of deadlines. He handles everything at school including any negotiating with teachers. He does the laundry for the household and also is responsible for mowing the lawn (it’sa large yard). He isn’t great at cooking but can make pasta or fry an egg. He’s great with money and budgeting. But he doesn’t get around much on his own, mostly because he doesn’t often have anywhere to go. I buy his clothes and sometimes remind him to have a shower.

Just curious, what kinds of things did you think other 13yo were doing that your kid is not?

Texting incessantly, hanging out at the mail or other kids houses, interested in fashion, music and the opposite sex, less interested in family etc

[Anonymous]

I’m curious about all these kids who can cook a fill meal. Are they making it from scratch (eg dicing onions and garlic, browning meat, adding sauces and seasoning, prepping vegetables)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 16.5. He’s in 10th since he missed cutoff. He can cook, do laundry, vacuum, clean and take care of the dogs. He’s been practicing driving but seems hesitant to get the license. He just got a job and seems to like it especially that paycheck. I can see he’s proud to earn money. He isn’t dating and never speaks of having any interest. His friends are all in similar spots with driving and dating. My DS is not super intense with school and Im done harping him on it. I told him he can go to school where he can get it. Socially he games with his friends late at night and attends school sporting events. Very different than my partying HS days.

What kind of job?

He got a job at Harris Teeter doing stocking shelves in the dairy section. Perfect for him as he’s pretty introverted and will learn to speak to customers and coworkers. He also works the last shift on weekends so not too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about all these kids who can cook a fill meal. Are they making it from scratch (eg dicing onions and garlic, browning meat, adding sauces and seasoning, prepping vegetables)?

My son can do all of this. He actually loves to cook from scratch and be creative. I’m just stuck doing all the dishes.

[Anonymous]

By 15 mine would make Blue Apron meals for us and could make crepes, eggs, cookies, and quesadillas. Took care of his own normal clothing but I still had to iron or take dressy items to the dry cleaners before he'd throw them in the washer. Had girlfriends from 8th grade on and off. Figured out train schedule and rode MARC and Amtrak to Baltimore to visit friends at 15.5. Would do yard work for $ with neighbors starting around 16. Sells art things online. Rides metro and bikes throughout DMV to hang out with friends. Large social circle and well liked by teachers and coaches. By 18 he could sit with adults at weddings or family events and carry on a good conversation. Calls his grandmother and chats with her and meets her for meals while at college now. Does yard work and keeps kitchen and floors clean. Cleans up before his friends come over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about all these kids who can cook a fill meal. Are they making it from scratch (eg dicing onions and garlic, browning meat, adding sauces and seasoning, prepping vegetables)?

I'm one of the first few posters whose son just turned 17 last week. Yes, mine does. I have older kids too and they did as well.
This is our favorite mac and cheese recipe, both of my younger two have made it on their own (hand grating the cheese, etc.)
https://thatsdeelicious.com/creamy-mac-and-cheese/

My (now) 18 year old has been making this beef stew recipe for a couple years now. I have to buy the wine for him.
https://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/parkers-beef-stew-recipe-1945843

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious about all these kids who can cook a fill meal. Are they making it from scratch (eg dicing onions and garlic, browning meat, adding sauces and seasoning, prepping vegetables)?

My 15.5 year old does. I often hand her a Hello Fresh kit so she can make dinner - it’s everything except the meal planning and grocery shopping component.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

A lot of this would be pretty hard to do in my state, since you can’t get your learner’s permit or apply for a job until you are 16. No way you are driving yourself independently to school and activities and managing a bank account at 16.

I have no intention of leaving my kids overnight until they are off to college FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

A lot of this would be pretty hard to do in my state, since you can’t get your learner’s permit or apply for a job until you are 16. No way you are driving yourself independently to school and activities and managing a bank account at 16.

I have no intention of leaving my kids overnight until they are off to college FYI.

Did your kid convince you of this? LOL You can work in any state at age 14 (outside of school hours).
Some states have higher (or lower) age cut-offs for working during school hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

A lot of this would be pretty hard to do in my state, since you can’t get your learner’s permit or apply for a job until you are 16. No way you are driving yourself independently to school and activities and managing a bank account at 16.

I have no intention of leaving my kids overnight until they are off to college FYI.

Did your kid convince you of this? LOL You can work in any state at age 14 (outside of school hours).
Some states have higher (or lower) age cut-offs for working during school hours.

No, I looked into myself, and your information isn’t true for our local employers.