How Independent is your 16 year old DS?

[Anonymous]

Do laundry
Navigate public transit (trains, busses) in DC and NYC
Cook a meal
Clean
Organize his day
Turn in his homework on time
Play many sports competently
Read music
Order food from a restaurant or via an app

If kids have the wherewithal to look instructions up on youtube, there's not much in terms of basic life stills they can't learn how to do.

[Anonymous]

My 18 year old teen has ADHD and ASD, with learning disabilities (but a high IQ). He chose a college close to home for next fall just in case he needs extra help from us. At 16, he could shovel snow, cook simple meals, clean the house, walk the dog, but he needed reminders to do these things, and he knew how to do them only because I had taught him step by step how to do them. He's not the figuring out sort of person, unless forced to. He takes no initiative. He is not independent in the real world - he has no sense of direction, cannot time management adequately, is always late unless someone reminds him to get ready beforehand, doesn't pick up on non-verbal cues, has zero small talk, no friends, doesn't think of asking for help in a timely fashion or being proactive about issues in any way, etc...

It's going to be a problem next year in college for sure. His academic skills are light years ahead of his practical life and social skills.

If you are worried please talk to a psychologist versed in diagnoses of learning disorders, anxiety, ADHD and autism. I recommend Stixrud's.

[Anonymous]

Cook things like grilled cheese, baked wings, cookies
Be in charge of all school work with rare questions/requests for math help
Apply for jobs (no luck yet)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought my kid was behind but I guess not. He’s 13 and he gets himself up and to school every morning, making his own breakfast. He is completely self motivated and organized re getting all his homework done and keeping track of deadlines. He handles everything at school including any negotiating with teachers. He does the laundry for the household and also is responsible for mowing the lawn (it’sa large yard). He isn’t great at cooking but can make pasta or fry an egg. He’s great with money and budgeting. But he doesn’t get around much on his own, mostly because he doesn’t often have anywhere to go. I buy his clothes and sometimes remind him to have a shower.

Just curious, what kinds of things did you think other 13yo were doing that your kid is not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same as we were back in our day at 16 - though I do see WAY less interest in getting a drivers license + a car. Like way way less/no interest. I attribute it to the fact that Uber wasn't a thing when I was that age in the late 90s.

Also, even a used car is $$$$ these days. My DS got his license at nearly 18. He wasn't very interested since he knew he wasn't getting a car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

Well, I am a pp that mentioned cooking dinner for the family and doing laundry, which you are so dismissive about. Maybe my answers are "strange" because I really wasn't sure what to write--"independent" can mean different things to different people, and OP didn't mention any specifics so I was trying to come up with examples of my own.

Since you provided some examples I will answer based on those:
How about traveling alone? yes, he has flown many times on his own-we have dropped him off in front of the airport and he has navigated going through security, getting to the gate, etc. on his own.

Getting back and forth to school and activities independently? No, because he doesn't not have his license. We do not live in a location with public transportation. His school is over 4 miles away and it starts early in the morning (still dark outside at some points of the year) so he can not bike.

Planning his own schedule? He decides which activities he does, which are on a set schedule...so I guess?

Coordinating his own activities? See above

Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work No, he has not had a job yet. He is heavily involved with activities both in and out of school and doesn't have time for a job.

Pursuing independent interests and passions Yes

Taking care of his own banking and money He doesn't have/earn much money. We pay him $30 to mow our lawn...that's about it

Being responsible for some household chores Yes, in addition to mowing the lawn (for pay) he feeds the cats, cleans their litter box and empties/loads the dishwasher (no pay)

Being responsible for siblings or grandparents No, his siblings are older than him. 2 grandparents are dead and the other two don't live near us.

Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc Homework yes. Pet care yes, shoveling snow yes. Deliveries and letting contractors in/out haven't come up. My kid is a big/tall boy--but tbh if I had a 16 year old daughter I would NOT want her staying at home by herself to let in contractors.

Being able to spend the night/weekend alone He probably would be able to, but it hasn't come up.

[Anonymous]

My son is 16.5. He’s in 10th since he missed cutoff. He can cook, do laundry, vacuum, clean and take care of the dogs. He’s been practicing driving but seems hesitant to get the license. He just got a job and seems to like it especially that paycheck. I can see he’s proud to earn money. He isn’t dating and never speaks of having any interest. His friends are all in similar spots with driving and dating. My DS is not super intense with school and Im done harping him on it. I told him he can go to school where he can get it. Socially he games with his friends late at night and attends school sporting events. Very different than my partying HS days.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DS is ADHD and ASD. I just wanted a better sense of what “typical” is so thanks for the responses.

He can cook simple meals, clean the kitchen and his room, do his own laundry, order DoorDash, etc. He’s fairly organized and good at following a schedule. He has a few friends and can arrange inviting someone over or going to the movies.

He struggles with problem solving, finding activities to participate in, picking out clothes, etc. I have to help him with these things and he can’t do them independently.

He wants a job but has no clue how to find one or what kind of job he can do. I’ll have to give him some ideas and show him how to apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 16.5. He’s in 10th since he missed cutoff. He can cook, do laundry, vacuum, clean and take care of the dogs. He’s been practicing driving but seems hesitant to get the license. He just got a job and seems to like it especially that paycheck. I can see he’s proud to earn money. He isn’t dating and never speaks of having any interest. His friends are all in similar spots with driving and dating. My DS is not super intense with school and Im done harping him on it. I told him he can go to school where he can get it. Socially he games with his friends late at night and attends school sporting events. Very different than my partying HS days.

What kind of job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

13:39 PP here. I'll provide more input for those that are interested:
- He has been traveling alone to visit grandparents in Arizona since he was 9 years old. Back then, we would take him to the gate and they would pick him up at the gate. Once he turned 14, we started saying goodbye at security and he would meet the grandparents at baggage claim. Now, we just drop him off at the door and they pick him up at the door.
- He drives and bikes to school and activities
- He plans his own schedule, I suppose, around practices and school and such.
- He does not really completely coordinate his own activities -- I sign him up for sports leagues, I plan our vacations, he will coordinate his job schedule this summer around the already planned activities
- He just found a job at Safeway (I made suggestions on where to apply) and will be working 25-30 hours per week over the summer, cutting back to 6-10 hours a week during the school year.
- He very much enjoys his sports and working out.
- He has had his own student checking account since he was 14. He deposits checks through the online app. He uses his debit card and is an authorized user on our credit card. He recently set up direct deposit for his new job.
- He has chores as discussed in my other post
- He is not responsible for siblings or grandparents.
- He shovels snow, he takes care of his pet lizard, he plays with our dog, he has gotten pizza delivered, he has not dealt with contractors
- He has spend one 36 hour period alone and it went fine. We have another weekend trip planned for next month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DS is ADHD and ASD. I just wanted a better sense of what “typical” is so thanks for the responses.

He can cook simple meals, clean the kitchen and his room, do his own laundry, order DoorDash, etc. He’s fairly organized and good at following a schedule. He has a few friends and can arrange inviting someone over or going to the movies.

He struggles with problem solving, finding activities to participate in, picking out clothes, etc. I have to help him with these things and he can’t do them independently.

He wants a job but has no clue how to find one or what kind of job he can do. I’ll have to give him some ideas and show him how to apply.

FCPA (park authority) is still hiring in a lot of positions (16 and up for park attendant type positions, 15 and up for lifeguard gigs), and they are offering a $500 bonus!

[Anonymous]

Semi-independent. Thought I'm pushing and forcing him to be more.

He does the dishes, but not without some frustrated body language and reminders

He does laundry, but then can't be bothered to fold it

He still "forgets" to turn in assignments

He struggles with time management, even though he's been given the tools and resources

He's still reliant on me to get to most places, though he is tapping into his friends' parents so sometimes I don't have to worry about

He says he wants his learner's permit, but hasn't bothered to do the test and in fact assumed I would be scheduling it for him (Spoiler alert: I'm not!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

How about traveling alone?
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently?
Planning his own schedule?
Coordinating his own activities?
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Pursuing independent interests and passions
Taking care of his own banking and money
Being responsible for some household chores
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone

13:39 PP here. I'll provide more input for those that are interested:
- He has been traveling alone to visit grandparents in Arizona since he was 9 years old. Back then, we would take him to the gate and they would pick him up at the gate. Once he turned 14, we started saying goodbye at security and he would meet the grandparents at baggage claim. Now, we just drop him off at the door and they pick him up at the door.
- He drives and bikes to school and activities
- He plans his own schedule, I suppose, around practices and school and such.
- He does not really completely coordinate his own activities -- I sign him up for sports leagues, I plan our vacations, he will coordinate his job schedule this summer around the already planned activities
- He just found a job at Safeway (I made suggestions on where to apply) and will be working 25-30 hours per week over the summer, cutting back to 6-10 hours a week during the school year.
- He very much enjoys his sports and working out.
- He has had his own student checking account since he was 14. He deposits checks through the online app. He uses his debit card and is an authorized user on our credit card. He recently set up direct deposit for his new job.
- He has chores as discussed in my other post
- He is not responsible for siblings or grandparents.
- He shovels snow, he takes care of his pet lizard, he plays with our dog, he has gotten pizza delivered, he has not dealt with contractors
- He has spend one 36 hour period alone and it went fine. We have another weekend trip planned for next month.

No friends and no girlfriend, huh? How are his social skills?

[Anonymous]

Newly minted 17y

How about traveling alone? He's never had the oppurtunity.
Getting back and forth to school and activities independently? No, because he doesn't have his license yet and we don't live in an area where he can get to school/sports without navigating a highway (ie. no biking.) He can walk to work in the summer.
Planning his own schedule?
More or less yes. We have a family calendar and he will put things on there.
Coordinating his own activities?
Kind of. I register him for activities, but he is reposbile for communicating with the coach.
Finding a job, and having new responsibilities at work
Yes, this will be his 3rd summer working as a lifeguard.
Pursuing independent interests and passions
I guess. Via YouTube
Taking care of his own banking and money
He has a good deal of money from working. He can access his account and use his debit card.
Being responsible for some household chores
Yes - as asked. He doesn't take initiative to do them.
Being responsible for siblings or grandparents
N/A
Being trusted to handle significant things at home/school/work - deliveries, pet care, shoveling snow, letting contractors in and out, etc
He manages his own school work I don't get involved. The rest he will do as asked.
Being able to spend the night/weekend alone
I am sure he could. We haven't had him do this yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These answers are strange. Who cares if your son can do laundry or cook a meal for the family. That’s not a sign of independence. The most dependent kid could do that.

I'm so glad that your children are doing well. But, if you haven't noticed, people differ greatly in their abilities. Not everyone can run, no matter how hard they try. Heck, some people can't even walk. Similarly, not every child is capable of the same things - which is precisely what prompted the question. I hope you have more empathy for difference in the real world than you show here.

I have three children whom we've raised basically the same, and they have different abilities. Similarly to a previous questioner, my teen boy is great at some things (in his case, academics, including organization and motivation) but needs to be shown step by step how to cook even the most basic thing multiple times.