Making child go to a school they don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At this age, trust your child. My parents didn't trust me on this choice and I had a horrible experience at the "better" school. It took me years in therapy to recover from it.

Agree, my parents forced me to stay at a school I was very unhappy at because it was easy and best for them. I was miserable. They finally let me transfer my senior year and I was much happier.

[Anonymous]

Why did you apply to the larger school if you didn't think it was a good choice? How are you still making the decision now, in mid-May?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child is a rising freshman, deciding between two private schools. One is a much larger, coe school, where she wouldn’t be able to play any sports. The other is all girls, much smaller and would be able to play sports, with a very supportive feel from teacher. She does not want to go to all girls, but we feel it’s a better fit for her with less distractions and more opportunities. And side note, she wanted to go to the all girls school very badly until about 3 months ago, but after attending the shadow day, and a few welcome events to days she feels “out of place”.

This is your answer, the kids know. This is how my happy junior picked.

My unhappy freshman transferred after 1Q this year. He had still “picked” out of the options given, but never bought in, never gave it a chance, never settled in and the unhappiness became too detrimental to stay the rest of the year.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of unknowns as to which school will be the right fit over four years. But, what is a known is that this is the school your child is picking to attend. She's the one who has to be there every day, trying to fit in socially and do well in her classes. She told you what she'd prefer. I'd listen, enroll her in the school she chose for her education, and feel thankful that she shares her thoughts with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a better option for a few reasons. I feel a big reason she wants to go to the larger school is because her best friends is going there and a lots of kids from the neighborhood-so less change. She does not like change. smaller classes, less distractions, more opportunities (sports, clubs, travel). Just seems like such a supportive, caring environment which I think she would thrive off of and help raise her self esteem.

Is changing to a school where she knows no one going to be hard on her self-esteem?

[Anonymous]

When it comes to HS and College, as a-parent your goal this ensuring the school will allow be a place that allows the student to grow as a person, provides opportunities, and provide a rigorous education some place that you can reasonable get them to everyday and afford. If both schools check that box, then let the kid choose where they want to go. You can provide a list of other pros/cons you notice about each school for you DD to consider, but at the end of the day, it’s she is the person who has to attend everyday and it impacts her life the most. She should get a big voice.

Also, when we talk about building someone’s confidence, trusting them to make decisions about their own life once presented with all the information is a key boost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We faced a similar situation in that DS was accepted to two good options and I was leaning hard one way and he adamantly wanted the other option. I spoke with several people I trust including his current head of school and they all said at this age trust your student. Even if you think you know better, when it gets challenging - and everyone has challenges in high school - it's better if they go in knowing this was their choice. If you force another school, the first time there's aproblem it will be "You made me come here." So we let our student decide. If I'm honest, it still hurts my heart and I do second guess our decision almost daily. But I'm 100% supportive to my student and I feel like they do have to make the choice.

We faced a similar decision last year and let our kid decide. I 100% regret that decision, as the school he chose ended up not being a great fit at all. My heart hurts too.

[Anonymous]

What a tough decision with every poster giving different advice. Hard decisions, even when right, are often followed with a bit of regret.

[Anonymous]

An elementary school child likely will not be able to see the whole set of tradeoffs, education vs friends vs whatever. So parents choosing with some input from child seems reasonable.

At least some middle/high school students are better equipped to understand short term and long term tradeoffs, so that situation might vary.

[Anonymous]

If cost/convenience/commute are more or less equal, I would probably allow child to make final choice based on fit. This presumes both schools are suitable from an educational perspective, which appears to be the case. Smaller, single-sex schools can be rather suffocating and limiting for some kids.

Also, you reference sports. Is that important to your child? Couldn’t really tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At that age, I would go with her choice.

+1

Don't underestimate your child! She knows what she wants (unless she has a disability) and this may be a point of contention forever if you don't let her decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a better option for a few reasons. I feel a big reason she wants to go to the larger school is because her best friends is going there and a lots of kids from the neighborhood-so less change. She does not like change. smaller classes, less distractions, more opportunities (sports, clubs, travel). Just seems like such a supportive, caring environment which I think she would thrive off of and help raise her self esteem.

Is she otherwise well adjusted? So it's a choice between a good school and another good school? Having been through this three times with three kids I would weigh her input a lot but would still make the final decision.
It's really hard to tell anything from one or two shadow days. We sent one child to a school she did not want to attend and four years later everyone agrees it was completely the right choice. Our middle child is more stubborn so we let him go to the school he chose despite our concerns that it wasn't a great fit and regret it.

[Anonymous]

Through 5th grade definitely parents’ call. My DS hadn’t wanted St Albans but they bought his loyalty with fall decor and muffins in the dining hall at the end of the tour. Meanwhile I was on the parents’ tour and knew he was
not a good fit for the school.

[Anonymous]

What did you decide OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child is a rising freshman, deciding between two private schools. One is a much larger, coe school, where she wouldn’t be able to play any sports. The other is all girls, much smaller and would be able to play sports, with a very supportive feel from teacher. She does not want to go to all girls, but we feel it’s a better fit for her with less distractions and more opportunities. And side note, she wanted to go to the all girls school very badly until about 3 months ago, but after attending the shadow day, and a few welcome events to days she feels “out of place”.

First off there are no “big” private schools here where you can’t get in a JV or team. Private schools max out at 120-140 per grade and even SJC at 250 per grade is a small/medium size for a grade.

Secondly, if she is a rising freshman absolutely let her choose and Girls only versus Coed is a big different and different dynamic. As long as she has further rationale behind her preference, let her chose.