Married ten years and thinking of changing my name to DH's/my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name when I got married. I had always assumed I would, but when the time came, it just didn't feel right and my husband was ambivalent. It has never been an issue, and I am pretty low-key about it - I don't correct people if they call me by DH's last name, I will address our Christmas card as "The DH's Last Names," and somehow my bank still lets me cash checks with his last name on it.

Ten years later, we have two kids, one in elementary school, and it has finally become a bit of a pain. People assume that my DD has my last name and it can be confusing when meeting new parents and teachers, she has asked about it and accepts my explanation but seems a little bothered, and it was never that big of a deal to me to begin with. A lot of families in our neighborhood will meet me first, since I am pretty active, and then assume we all have my name. I correct them and it's not a big deal but I have noticed that almost no one in our community has kept their maiden name.

Is it crazy to consider changing it legally now?

I did it after four years of marriage, because I felt like my kids' (my husband's) last name had shifted my identity a bit, if that makes sense. It was fine. The paperwork is the same whether you do it right when you marry or a bit after.

Do what feels right for you, not for your kids and not for your spouse. For you.

[Anonymous]

Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

[Anonymous]

Maybe hyphenate if you must. So glad I never formally took stbx’s last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

Because they want to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

A bridge too far - couldn't be bothered negotiating.

[Anonymous]

The schools my kids attended had a cross reference index because so many of the parents had different surnames. My kids were shocked when they figured out some women change their name when they get married - none of their friends' mother had changed their names. OP, what would you do if you divorced or were widowed and remarried and had another kid? Your first kids would have a different surname to you if you changed your name every time you married.

[Anonymous]

Married 35 years. Kept my very unique last name. Husband's last name quite common.


Never wanted to change it. When we had kids, we gave them my very unusual last name as a middle no. NO HYPHENS!

But that provides the link on all official paperwork, and no one questions us.

So many of my friends divorced and now they are on like their second or third last name. EMBARRASSING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't change my name when I got married. I had always assumed I would, but when the time came, it just didn't feel right and my husband was ambivalent. It has never been an issue, and I am pretty low-key about it - I don't correct people if they call me by DH's last name, I will address our Christmas card as "The DH's Last Names," and somehow my bank still lets me cash checks with his last name on it.

Ten years later, we have two kids, one in elementary school, and it has finally become a bit of a pain. People assume that my DD has my last name and it can be confusing when meeting new parents and teachers, she has asked about it and accepts my explanation but seems a little bothered, and it was never that big of a deal to me to begin with. A lot of families in our neighborhood will meet me first, since I am pretty active, and then assume we all have my name. I correct them and it's not a big deal but I have noticed that almost no one in our community has kept their maiden name.

Is it crazy to consider changing it legally now?

Where is this? In my community in DC keeping your name is the default.

Almost all UMC changes name. Even wannabe UMCs like big law associates when married they change name. Not changing is middle class. Lower and upper change.

Not my experience. Are you in the suburbs perhaps? Not like, really an "urban mom?" (I think this is 90% of readership, so not calling you out specifically) but yes, in my UMC to wealthy area of DC proper most women (these days) keep their names.

Not mine either. I’m a successful entrepreneur in my own right and saw no reason to change my name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

I was thinking the same. Why are we so woke that we don't take our husbands last name, but automatically give it to our children. How does that make sense?

Fwiw I did change my last name, immediately. But I had various reasons and I don't care what others do. I think the whole system is odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

I was thinking the same. Why are we so woke that we don't take our husbands last name, but automatically give it to our children. How does that make sense?

Fwiw I did change my last name, immediately. But I had various reasons and I don't care what others do. I think the whole system is odd.

It’s not “woke” to keep your last name, it’s just easier. For some women it’s a feminism thing and those are usually also the women who hyphenate kids’ last names. For me and a lot of women I know it was just simpler not to change but still use your husbands name socially.

[Anonymous]

Just popping in to mention that women in Italy don’t change their names. Definitely doesn’t affect the family bond!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

This is normal in the Chinese immigrant families. My DC’s friends have different last names than their moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

This is normal in the Chinese immigrant families. My DC’s friends have different last names than their moms.

It's normal in a lot of Asian countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

I was thinking the same. Why are we so woke that we don't take our husbands last name, but automatically give it to our children. How does that make sense?

Fwiw I did change my last name, immediately. But I had various reasons and I don't care what others do. I think the whole system is odd.

If you think a few generations ahead, it’s not. In just two or three generations a hyphenated name is like 6 last names if none are dropped. That’s ridiculous. Also increases the likelyhood that fathers will abandon family if not his namesake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many women keep their names but give the husband's name to the kids?

I felt it was important to acknowledge his paternity. Everyone knows the child is MINE - I gave birth. Only I know who the father is. Giving the child the father's last name was a way to publicly acknowledge that.