How do you cope with loneliness in marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your main reason against leaving is “can’t afford to live on my own” you should start working toward a job where you can afford to live on your own. Even if you stay, having that confidence and peace of mind will be beneficial.

If OP is a SAHM working full time may require expensive childcare. It’s not as simple as you think; there is a reason why a lot of moms basically work part-time and freelance during their kids’ early childhood years.

[Anonymous]

Kids are not in the childcare years forever (unless you have a lot of kids and space them far apart). OP should start getting herself ready for a job that can support her if her marriage isn’t good.

[Anonymous]

She has one “elementary aged child.” She doesn’t have little kids needing full time childcare. At most she will need aftercare for one child for a relatively short period until that one child is old enough to not need aftercare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m stuck in my marriage because we have an elementary school-aged child and I can’t afford to live on my own (freelancer, work fluctuates, on his insurance). DH and I have been to couples therapy on and off for 5 years. Very little progress occurred. I told him he needed to see a therapist on his own to work on his own issues (emotionally unavailable, communication has shut down, seems to prefer spending time alone instead of together as a couple). We’re having sex a little more frequently, but outside of sex, he rarely makes physical contact with me, only seems to talk about work and logistics with our kid. In other words, things aren’t great. The thing that tears me up the most is the profound loneliness and lack of connection. Also, knowing that for the rest of my life, I’ll never know what it feels like to be loved. I try to focus on my work, child, hobbies and volunteer work, but I struggle with the loneliness. How do others cope with this? An open marriage is not in the cards.

Some marriages just have highs and lows. Just like anything else in life. I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening here or not. If the two of you can find a way to work through contempt, and genuinely make an effort, maybe things will get better on a sidenote been divorced sucks.

[Anonymous]

Invest in yourself and in doing things with friends. that's basically what I do. My husband basically keeps to himself in our relationship unless I initiate and act as his social director. Then he's willing to go out to dinner or go to a movie, but otherwise he's kind of a buzzkill. If he's not willing to spend time with me and the kids, I find ways to fill the time without him. Make yourself and your kids your number one priority and distract yourself from the loneliness.

[Anonymous]

You’re F’ed… Deal with it. 🤷‍♂️

[Anonymous]

I think marriages have phases, sometimes related to ages of kids and their needs, or careers, concern about aging parents, considering our own aging, etc. Expecting marriage to be like when you were dating, like your parents' marriage, or like your friend/neighbors', will only make it harder to meet your own expectations. I have struggled with this, too, and realized that my life happiness is up to me (not him).

The phase we are in right now feels more like roommates. He's a good roommate so we're not getting divorced and yes, I wish our relationship were a lot more, but I have good women friends, my own activities (kid school things, working out), and I'm reasonably happy 98% of the time.

You can't look for all your fulfillment in life from your marriage. That's a lot of pressure on your spouse and if you are a happier person who gets you cup filled from a variety of people/things you do, it may make it easier for your SO to be part of that, rather than having to be responsible for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your main reason against leaving is “can’t afford to live on my own” you should start working toward a job where you can afford to live on your own. Even if you stay, having that confidence and peace of mind will be beneficial.

If OP is a SAHM working full time may require expensive childcare. It’s not as simple as you think; there is a reason why a lot of moms basically work part-time and freelance during their kids’ early childhood years.

Her one child is out of the early childhood years.

[Anonymous]

Lean into other things.

I’ve written posts here lamenting my dead marriage. It’s gotten worse, but I’m better about as I’ve started taking more responsibility for my own time and fulfilment.

I’m still lonely, but I also accept that this is just how it is right now. Hopefully some of the things I’m doing will bring new friendships or maybe DH will decide to join me. But, my happiness doesn’t depend on those things.

[Anonymous]

OP - start by acknowledging your agency in your life. You are not "stuck" - you are making a choice to stay married, which is your choice to make. Own it, embrace it if that is what you want to do. And from there, you will see that you can continue to make other decisions for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree with the poster suggesting to entertain people. I did a full marital audit in a recent bout of loneliness and realized my husband was never going to be enough for me. I invested more in friendships (male and female, parents and non, work and neighborhood), and though it's constant work, it has filled my cup more. An unintended consequence is that sometimes it draws my husband out of his cave more, but I try not to put too much stock in it because, ultimately, he will never be enough for me.

ha! is this a thing? I think you just invented my new favorite phrase.

What about your sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how you feel, op, and I do not have answers. The issues in my marriage are actually far worse but the loneliness you describe is definitely part of it.

I don’t know how we got here. I try to remember what I talked with DH about early in the relationship, when we were falling in love. I might have had a sense that DH and I did not have that much in common but I disregarded those feelings. I don’t know, but you are not alone OP.

+1 you both aren’t alone. Sending hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do your own thing.

I’m married to someone we now know is ASD and bipolar. So it’s lonely and he is grumpy, sleepy, mad all the time when home. He also demands to “be a father” yet does nothing fatherly nor parental. So we’re all stuck and do our own socializing a ton. He doesn’t care. What’s bad is he would rather muster energy to tag along and try to impress a neighbor or other parent than help his own kids within our house.

I feel like I wrote this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Invest in yourself and in doing things with friends. that's basically what I do. My husband basically keeps to himself in our relationship unless I initiate and act as his social director. Then he's willing to go out to dinner or go to a movie, but otherwise he's kind of a buzzkill. If he's not willing to spend time with me and the kids, I find ways to fill the time without him. Make yourself and your kids your number one priority and distract yourself from the loneliness.

I take myself to places I want to go. Whether it be restaurants, museums, or weekend trips. I do a lot solo with our child. I need to make some local girl friends, though.

[Anonymous]

Live you own life, make friends, have friends over. Don't rely on him for everything emotional.