How do you cope with loneliness in marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally agree with the poster suggesting to entertain people. I did a full marital audit in a recent bout of loneliness and realized my husband was never going to be enough for me. I invested more in friendships (male and female, parents and non, work and neighborhood), and though it's constant work, it has filled my cup more. An unintended consequence is that sometimes it draws my husband out of his cave more, but I try not to put too much stock in it because, ultimately, he will never be enough for me.

ha! is this a thing? I think you just invented my new favorite phrase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

I think a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. Or don’t have as severe of marital problems as they think. Instead, they need friends.

Yes. They are expecting their spouse to meet all their social and emotional needs. It’s unrealistic and limiting.

Once your mentally disordered spouse has a diagnosis you can come up with a healthy coping plan and life plan.
But a healthy and functional spouse can be there for you emotionally, physically, and supportively way more than an unhealthy dysfunctional mental illness spouse.

I’m not talking about anyone being “mentally disordered.”

I’m saying modern marriage as an institution often places unrealistic expectations on people. Read Esther Perel.

[Anonymous]

Affair is the way to go, have good opsec and be happy.

[Anonymous]

Minus the sex part I could have written this. Still trying to square if this is a relationship I can grow within. I miss feeling connected or really loved. He’s so distant and has no concept of emotional intimacy.

[Anonymous]

OP- Fitness helps as well as beauty maintenance. It helps you feel desirable. Be your best self.
Is there anyone you can flirt with to make you feel good? Take off your rings...

[Anonymous]

Please make new friends and pickup some new hobbies with other adults. Sports, cooking, dancing, painting, book club etc.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

I’m an extrovert, but even to me, this sounds exhausting. I can imagine this is not at all fun for a busy or introverted person.

[Anonymous]

I found frequent massages helped. I also stopped trying to connect with my wife who was pushing me away, and just went out a lot with my friends. Flirting when the opportunity arose.

There are no good solutions. My sex drive decreased at 50 so the lack of sex and connection isn't as bad as it used to be. I understand why people cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

I think a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. Or don’t have as severe of marital problems as they think. Instead, they need friends.

Yes. They are expecting their spouse to meet all their social and emotional needs. It’s unrealistic and limiting.

Once your mentally disordered spouse has a diagnosis you can come up with a healthy coping plan and life plan.
But a healthy and functional spouse can be there for you emotionally, physically, and supportively way more than an unhealthy dysfunctional mental illness spouse.

I’m not talking about anyone being “mentally disordered.”

I’m saying modern marriage as an institution often places unrealistic expectations on people. Read Esther Perel.

You said “a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems.”

That’s an incorrect and lofty claim discounting and dismissing a lot of things, most obviously the diagnosed unmanaged mental disorders of one spouse which leads to loneliness, abuse, utter craziness, and marital problems.

Including OPs spouse, who really should get a neuropsych test done and get to the bottom of why he neglects and ignores his spouse. Once you know it’s not a health or mental issue, you can tackle his choice to behave that way. But to OP it doesn’t matter, she’s mistreated and disrespected. She should put her stay or go plan together.

[Anonymous]

I said f&*% it and started my own life. I developed hobbies, flirt with eye candy, spend lots of time at the gyn, and read a lot. I also have friends and neighbors to hang out with too. All he EVER wants to do is lay on the couch and watch TV. I take my kids out on dates and if he does not step it up, I am going to start traveling by myself as well.

[Anonymous]

Actually, I’m not the poster who said a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. But I do agree with the poster who said a lot of people don’t have marital problems but rather lack other friendships.

When you’re looking to one and only one person for everything, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and you’re putting very high expectations on that person.

[Anonymous]

If your main reason against leaving is “can’t afford to live on my own” you should start working toward a job where you can afford to live on your own. Even if you stay, having that confidence and peace of mind will be beneficial.

[Anonymous]

Fine, sure some people like to complain, don’t have *real marital problems* and are needy.

But some people here and out of the street DO very much have real marital problems and are staring at a bunch of very bad options for their family, in addition to having already built their support networks, friends, career, etc.

In fact, having a strong social net work and calendar helps you realize just how bad and dysfunctional your spouse or marriage is! Don’t let them isolate you to only staying home, but also make real plans. Their abuse won’t go away, their untreated mental disorders won’t go away, their chemical addictions won’t go away. Detach, protect the kids, plan a long term exit, stay sane and healthy, self care, have friends you can confide it who believe your truths.

[Anonymous]

God bless you and others with no real marital problems.

May you never have them, because they truly suck the soul out of you, and are hell on earth to fix or divorce from or coparent with.

Bless you child.