How do you cope with loneliness in marriage?

[Anonymous]

I’m stuck in my marriage because we have an elementary school-aged child and I can’t afford to live on my own (freelancer, work fluctuates, on his insurance). DH and I have been to couples therapy on and off for 5 years. Very little progress occurred. I told him he needed to see a therapist on his own to work on his own issues (emotionally unavailable, communication has shut down, seems to prefer spending time alone instead of together as a couple). We’re having sex a little more frequently, but outside of sex, he rarely makes physical contact with me, only seems to talk about work and logistics with our kid. In other words, things aren’t great. The thing that tears me up the most is the profound loneliness and lack of connection. Also, knowing that for the rest of my life, I’ll never know what it feels like to be loved. I try to focus on my work, child, hobbies and volunteer work, but I struggle with the loneliness. How do others cope with this? An open marriage is not in the cards.

[Anonymous]

I know how you feel, op, and I do not have answers. The issues in my marriage are actually far worse but the loneliness you describe is definitely part of it.

I don’t know how we got here. I try to remember what I talked with DH about early in the relationship, when we were falling in love. I might have had a sense that DH and I did not have that much in common but I disregarded those feelings. I don’t know, but you are not alone OP.

[Anonymous]

I divorced but my situation was worse. I was freelancing at the time I initiated a divorce. I was only freelancing at that time for 18 months. Going back to work full-time was worth getting divorced. 2 kids. I basically agree to all of his terms, including waiving any alimony or child support. I also let him keep the house, and I did not take half of the assets. I had to get out for my own well being. Financially, I will never catch up to what I lost but I honestly don’t care because I had my own decent nest egg of retirement myself and I earn a decent salary when I’m working full-time.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, PP, that you are going through this. It feels so cruel to be utterly ignored/dismissed by this person you once shared so much with. I think in our case, we may have been blinded a bit by love. But DH’s job is also very stressful and he had a cancer diagnosis a few years ago. I would’ve thought that illness would make him appreciate life and our relationship more, but that didn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

[Anonymous]

Do your own thing.

I’m married to someone we now know is ASD and bipolar. So it’s lonely and he is grumpy, sleepy, mad all the time when home. He also demands to “be a father” yet does nothing fatherly nor parental. So we’re all stuck and do our own socializing a ton. He doesn’t care. What’s bad is he would rather muster energy to tag along and try to impress a neighbor or other parent than help his own kids within our house.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with the poster suggesting to entertain people. I did a full marital audit in a recent bout of loneliness and realized my husband was never going to be enough for me. I invested more in friendships (male and female, parents and non, work and neighborhood), and though it's constant work, it has filled my cup more. An unintended consequence is that sometimes it draws my husband out of his cave more, but I try not to put too much stock in it because, ultimately, he will never be enough for me.

[Anonymous]

I hear you and I’m sorry. I’m also very lonely despite being married with kids. It’s really hard.

[Anonymous]

Also married to someone with mental illness (ADHD/ASD). I watch movies and read books. I take care of my pets and foster pregnant dogs and their puppies. I truly enjoy my children's company and spend time with them and their activities. I make friends. And if someone comes along who is open to more than friendship, hey, maybe I won't say no... Yes, I realize others might think it's morally wrong, but I only have one life and I have decided that for a special person, I will be fine with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

I think a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. Or don’t have as severe of marital problems as they think. Instead, they need friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

I think a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. Or don’t have as severe of marital problems as they think. Instead, they need friends.

Yes. They are expecting their spouse to meet all their social and emotional needs. It’s unrealistic and limiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also married to someone with mental illness (ADHD/ASD). I watch movies and read books. I take care of my pets and foster pregnant dogs and their puppies. I truly enjoy my children's company and spend time with them and their activities. I make friends. And if someone comes along who is open to more than friendship, hey, maybe I won't say no... Yes, I realize others might think it's morally wrong, but I only have one life and I have decided that for a special person, I will be fine with this.

+1 same situation, am female. Def didn’t sign up for this but found myself losing my sense of self with the at home lunancy. Now I’m fiercely independent and kids and I stay very busy with normal friends and activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start entertaining people.

Call a bunch of women - neighbors, gym buddies, coworkers, friends, relatives - for tea/coffee, a play date in park with your kids, book club, cards, a walk around the neighborhood, potluck dinner, movie night, wine and cheese after dinner, go to the museum, picnic at the front lawn etc. Keep the food simple and filling - pizza, fruits, sandwiches, cheese platter, burgers, hot dogs, salad etc. Later on, extend the invite to their husbands too.

We entertain a lot and it does the following - keeps our house and yard well maintained (forces us to clean), it keeps the kids entertained because they have friends to play, teaches the kids how to host, gets us invites from others, helps us to meet others so that the marriage is not the only source of companionship, extend our social network so that eventually you meet a few besties.

For me, I try to focus on meaningful friendships. It really does help.

I think a lot of people on DCUM don’t have marital problems. Or don’t have as severe of marital problems as they think. Instead, they need friends.

Yes. They are expecting their spouse to meet all their social and emotional needs. It’s unrealistic and limiting.

Once your mentally disordered spouse has a diagnosis you can come up with a healthy coping plan and life plan.
But a healthy and functional spouse can be there for you emotionally, physically, and supportively way more than an unhealthy dysfunctional mental illness spouse.

[Anonymous]

We opened up the marriage.