92 - a driving thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The HHA is her employee, not mine. She was at doctor's appointments when they explained how her conditions + booze would increase risk of stroke or need for dialysis. My mother appears to go along in front of the doctor but I know her. Plus she'd be likely to drive impaired, that is not the "fix" unfortunately.

She's all about control and I get that driving is a loss. She thought the heart issue and meds would cause the DMV to pull license so appeared to go along with that too. When she found out that was not the case, has done a 180. Her health and energy improving have led to more chaos and drama.

Now her eyes have deteriorated. Her license is about to expire anyway. There was a fatal accident near her recently involving an elderly driver, the risks are real. But "that would never happen to ME!!!" etc.

Once the car is gone there will be another focus for the crazy and chaos but there won't be such a risk to the public. I tried the risk to estate and the money she needs to live on speech, may try that again. She's likely to do it to show she can do whatever she wants but to call and scream at me regularly rather than not speak to me.

The HHA texted me, she is upset/worried too. She is a nice lady, we are all surprised she has not quit tbh. A neighbor also texted, they worry about her posing a risk to THEM if driving. She must be crowing about her key victory to all.

I figured out a same day title option so may go down. She keeps saying she won't sign it but I'm not sure what else to do. At least I would have tried that. She could always buy a new car, something she pointed out to me. I woke up with a migraine and just feel ill.

Good luck to all dealing with this issue.

One idea, and what I wish my IL's had done for my MIL (instead of encouraging license renewal for a 95 year old - who does that??): Since your mother's license is about to expire, can you tell her that she has to go to the DMV to renew it (ie: do not mention that she can do it online - presumably she does not know about this option). Whomever goes with her has to pay strict attention and somehow indicate (hand or head gestures) to the DMV clerk (standing behind the mother, so the mother does not see this - maybe when she is taking the eye exam) NOT to renew the license. People of that age tend to be about the rules, no matter how stubborn. If the license is not renewed, that is the end of the discussion, and you can sell the car in peace.

When our MIL went to the DMV, the DMV and the ILs thought it was "cute" to renew the license, even though MIL literally can not see (no way on earth she could pass any eye exam) , and actually told us that she follows a memorized path to go to the non-essential places she insists upon. You are correct, OP - they tell everyone that they still have their license, and no one within ear shot can understand why. Finally, she offered her old car to DD this summer "for DD's work" - very unlike MIL, so someone must have said something to her, somehow! DD is working remote, but we did not tell MIL that, in the interest of getting MIL off the road.

OP here, so happy that worked out for your family. I think the "pass along" route might be easier and more face saving, will think on that. Now she has the HHA, Uber, friends and relatives to drive her, just need to extricate the car so she can torment us about something else...the constant chaos is exhausting. Even the owner of the HHA company said, "she's doing so well, her health is so much better, shouldn't maintaining that be a focus? Why does everything keep changing?" Some people are like that...

Will look at flights and try to go down and handle title before the 3rd key arrives. Others have the other 2 sets.

It worked out, but it was a long, hard struggle, and the ILs did not do anything nearly quick enough - I mean, they went with MIL to the DMV, and allowed her to renew her license. Much like when you IL gave the key to your MIL. Some people have zero common sense, and you do have to choose your battles, because it is positively exhausting. Throw in the narcissistic aspect, and it is far beyond exhausting. You are not alone, OP, the stubborn is real, unfortunately, and they only get worse with age.

[Anonymous]

An opportunity came up on a group call to try the "protect your assists" speech one more time and I think it worked! Someone said even if an accident was not her fault they could use her age as a factor, sue and she could lose her house, etc. She then said she would sign the title and sell, with an audience.

Going to try to get this to happen immediately. Felt like a divine assist on a Sunday morning, lol.

If this can be wrapped up will be worth the flight. She just got her ID in the mail and I will turn in her license too when there.

Good luck to everyone facing this issue, it is so hard. This has been such a source of stress.

[Anonymous]

Turns out a young relative needs a car, so going to layer in that suggestion too. My mom is excited to help him out. I think this is going to work, fingers crossed.

[Anonymous]

power of attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The liquor store is a doctor's order due to medication she is taking and a serious heart condition and stage 4 kidney disease. She "agrees" with that on the surface too but her main personality trait is doing whatever she wants.

Should have never agreed to facilitate her going home after rehab. If she was in a facility her acting out would be someone else's problem unless kicked out (a possibility with her personality).

Hopefully she won't kill herself or anyone else. Now her eyesight is very bad too. Woke up with a migraine, just feel sick.

She is 92. Give it up. Agree on 1 or 2 drinks a day and get the teeny bottles so there's nothing left over. But her end of the agreement is she gives up her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turns out a young relative needs a car, so going to layer in that suggestion too. My mom is excited to help him out. I think this is going to work, fingers crossed.

Best of luck. This would be a great resolution.

If, God forbid, this plan falls through, make sure that meddling in-law who helped her get key made understands that after a doctor recommended that she no longer drive and you took the car keys, they opened themselves up to liability by providing her with a key. They’re probably elderly too and need a dose of reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The liquor store is a doctor's order due to medication she is taking and a serious heart condition and stage 4 kidney disease. She "agrees" with that on the surface too but her main personality trait is doing whatever she wants.

Should have never agreed to facilitate her going home after rehab. If she was in a facility her acting out would be someone else's problem unless kicked out (a possibility with her personality).

Hopefully she won't kill herself or anyone else. Now her eyesight is very bad too. Woke up with a migraine, just feel sick.

She’s 92. Let her drink.