92 - a driving thread

[Anonymous]

The HHA is her employee, not mine. She was at doctor's appointments when they explained how her conditions + booze would increase risk of stroke or need for dialysis. My mother appears to go along in front of the doctor but I know her. Plus she'd be likely to drive impaired, that is not the "fix" unfortunately.

She's all about control and I get that driving is a loss. She thought the heart issue and meds would cause the DMV to pull license so appeared to go along with that too. When she found out that was not the case, has done a 180. Her health and energy improving have led to more chaos and drama.

Now her eyes have deteriorated. Her license is about to expire anyway. There was a fatal accident near her recently involving an elderly driver, the risks are real. But "that would never happen to ME!!!" etc.

Once the car is gone there will be another focus for the crazy and chaos but there won't be such a risk to the public. I tried the risk to estate and the money she needs to live on speech, may try that again. She's likely to do it to show she can do whatever she wants but to call and scream at me regularly rather than not speak to me.

The HHA texted me, she is upset/worried too. She is a nice lady, we are all surprised she has not quit tbh. A neighbor also texted, they worry about her posing a risk to THEM if driving. She must be crowing about her key victory to all.

I figured out a same day title option so may go down. She keeps saying she won't sign it but I'm not sure what else to do. At least I would have tried that. She could always buy a new car, something she pointed out to me. I woke up with a migraine and just feel ill.

Good luck to all dealing with this issue.

[Anonymous]

Wow f*** this in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow f*** this in-law.

Well, that was intelligent. The 92 yr old is the OP's mother.

[Anonymous]

I believe she is talking about the in law who ordered the key without consulting anyone else in the family. - OP

[Anonymous]

Could the in-law be libel for her bad behavior because they returned the keys? what an a$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The HHA is her employee, not mine. She was at doctor's appointments when they explained how her conditions + booze would increase risk of stroke or need for dialysis. My mother appears to go along in front of the doctor but I know her. Plus she'd be likely to drive impaired, that is not the "fix" unfortunately.

She's all about control and I get that driving is a loss. She thought the heart issue and meds would cause the DMV to pull license so appeared to go along with that too. When she found out that was not the case, has done a 180. Her health and energy improving have led to more chaos and drama.

Now her eyes have deteriorated. Her license is about to expire anyway. There was a fatal accident near her recently involving an elderly driver, the risks are real. But "that would never happen to ME!!!" etc.

Once the car is gone there will be another focus for the crazy and chaos but there won't be such a risk to the public. I tried the risk to estate and the money she needs to live on speech, may try that again. She's likely to do it to show she can do whatever she wants but to call and scream at me regularly rather than not speak to me.

The HHA texted me, she is upset/worried too. She is a nice lady, we are all surprised she has not quit tbh. A neighbor also texted, they worry about her posing a risk to THEM if driving. She must be crowing about her key victory to all.

I figured out a same day title option so may go down. She keeps saying she won't sign it but I'm not sure what else to do. At least I would have tried that. She could always buy a new car, something she pointed out to me. I woke up with a migraine and just feel ill.

Good luck to all dealing with this issue.

One idea, and what I wish my IL's had done for my MIL (instead of encouraging license renewal for a 95 year old - who does that??): Since your mother's license is about to expire, can you tell her that she has to go to the DMV to renew it (ie: do not mention that she can do it online - presumably she does not know about this option). Whomever goes with her has to pay strict attention and somehow indicate (hand or head gestures) to the DMV clerk (standing behind the mother, so the mother does not see this - maybe when she is taking the eye exam) NOT to renew the license. People of that age tend to be about the rules, no matter how stubborn. If the license is not renewed, that is the end of the discussion, and you can sell the car in peace.

When our MIL went to the DMV, the DMV and the ILs thought it was "cute" to renew the license, even though MIL literally can not see (no way on earth she could pass any eye exam) , and actually told us that she follows a memorized path to go to the non-essential places she insists upon. You are correct, OP - they tell everyone that they still have their license, and no one within ear shot can understand why. Finally, she offered her old car to DD this summer "for DD's work" - very unlike MIL, so someone must have said something to her, somehow! DD is working remote, but we did not tell MIL that, in the interest of getting MIL off the road.

[Anonymous]

Another idea - would your mother understand that when (not if) she hits someone, if they are hurt, they could literally take her house in a law suit? I suspect something like this might have been said to our MIL in order for her to stop driving.

[Anonymous]

Love the DMV idea, thanks.

I tried the you might lose everything and have no money to live on but she does the "that won't happen to ME" narc thing.

I think I will have to go down again, much as I don't have PTO, having burned through that in the fall. The stakes for public safety and her own well being are too high. If she refuses to sign the title, may invite in law and other relatives in that area over for a little intervention.

This is all so exhausting. She'll need some other focus of ire and drama next but it won't be a public safety threat.

Solidarity to all. This stuff is tough. I get it's hard to make big life changes, etc. But her difficult and mean personality has just gotten worse with age and the constant drama, triangulation and conflict is taking a toll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The HHA is her employee, not mine. She was at doctor's appointments when they explained how her conditions + booze would increase risk of stroke or need for dialysis. My mother appears to go along in front of the doctor but I know her. Plus she'd be likely to drive impaired, that is not the "fix" unfortunately.

She's all about control and I get that driving is a loss. She thought the heart issue and meds would cause the DMV to pull license so appeared to go along with that too. When she found out that was not the case, has done a 180. Her health and energy improving have led to more chaos and drama.

Now her eyes have deteriorated. Her license is about to expire anyway. There was a fatal accident near her recently involving an elderly driver, the risks are real. But "that would never happen to ME!!!" etc.

Once the car is gone there will be another focus for the crazy and chaos but there won't be such a risk to the public. I tried the risk to estate and the money she needs to live on speech, may try that again. She's likely to do it to show she can do whatever she wants but to call and scream at me regularly rather than not speak to me.

The HHA texted me, she is upset/worried too. She is a nice lady, we are all surprised she has not quit tbh. A neighbor also texted, they worry about her posing a risk to THEM if driving. She must be crowing about her key victory to all.

I figured out a same day title option so may go down. She keeps saying she won't sign it but I'm not sure what else to do. At least I would have tried that. She could always buy a new car, something she pointed out to me. I woke up with a migraine and just feel ill.

Good luck to all dealing with this issue.

One idea, and what I wish my IL's had done for my MIL (instead of encouraging license renewal for a 95 year old - who does that??): Since your mother's license is about to expire, can you tell her that she has to go to the DMV to renew it (ie: do not mention that she can do it online - presumably she does not know about this option). Whomever goes with her has to pay strict attention and somehow indicate (hand or head gestures) to the DMV clerk (standing behind the mother, so the mother does not see this - maybe when she is taking the eye exam) NOT to renew the license. People of that age tend to be about the rules, no matter how stubborn. If the license is not renewed, that is the end of the discussion, and you can sell the car in peace.

When our MIL went to the DMV, the DMV and the ILs thought it was "cute" to renew the license, even though MIL literally can not see (no way on earth she could pass any eye exam) , and actually told us that she follows a memorized path to go to the non-essential places she insists upon. You are correct, OP - they tell everyone that they still have their license, and no one within ear shot can understand why. Finally, she offered her old car to DD this summer "for DD's work" - very unlike MIL, so someone must have said something to her, somehow! DD is working remote, but we did not tell MIL that, in the interest of getting MIL off the road.

OP here, so happy that worked out for your family. I think the "pass along" route might be easier and more face saving, will think on that. Now she has the HHA, Uber, friends and relatives to drive her, just need to extricate the car so she can torment us about something else...the constant chaos is exhausting. Even the owner of the HHA company said, "she's doing so well, her health is so much better, shouldn't maintaining that be a focus? Why does everything keep changing?" Some people are like that...

Will look at flights and try to go down and handle title before the 3rd key arrives. Others have the other 2 sets.

[Anonymous]

Does HHA need the car to take her to appointments? I would go the route of disabling the car. Disconnect the battery or pull a plug on something.

[Anonymous]

If this driving nonsense is really all about procuring alcohol, then just find a way for her to get it. Either you buy it, or you get her an Uber, or you hire someone to get it for her. Whatever it takes. Then the HHA can take her everywhere else and she has no need to drive. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

You must allow her to drink liquor.

There is nothing illegal about it, and that is her choice at 92.

Each person dies eventually.

It is ridiculous for you to try to create a bubble for her to live as long as possible.

Your limiting alcohol (against her will) creates a dangerous situation for other 3rd parties - such as children in a crosswalk or on a sidewalk - because she feels compelled to drive to the liquor store.

Let her enjoy her days and have peace, and make her own health choices, as long as it doesn't harm others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You must allow her to drink liquor.

There is nothing illegal about it, and that is her choice at 92.

Each person dies eventually.

It is ridiculous for you to try to create a bubble for her to live as long as possible.

Your limiting alcohol (against her will) creates a dangerous situation for other 3rd parties - such as children in a crosswalk or on a sidewalk - because she feels compelled to drive to the liquor store.

Let her enjoy her days and have peace, and make her own health choices, as long as it doesn't harm others.

Yes. OP is responsible for creating the dangerous situation here.

[Anonymous]

Omg you must sell her car and not care how mad she gets about it. This is a huge public safety issue. And let this 92 year old woman drink her alcohol. Who cares if it makes her more likely to have a stroke or be on dialysis?! She’s 92!

[Anonymous]

Can you get under the car's hood and remove a part, like a battery cable or disconnect the starter? I don't think AAA fixes stuff like that-they could jump a battery but I dont think they'd install cables or connect something.