92 - a driving thread

[Anonymous]

My elderly mom is about to turn 92 and lives in another state. She was recently hospitalized and in a rehab. Her reflexes are poor and eyesight is not good, docs recommended not driving. My brother and I took the keys and ordered a copy of the title, so the car could be sold. She has ranted about wanting to drive (to the liquor store no less), other days she agrees that not driving and selling the car is best.

An inlaw was recently in her area and copied her VIN number and has contacted the manufacturer and ordered her a copy of the key for her car. She purposely did not mention it to me until it was a done deal, despite telling me about the visit. When I spoke to the sheriff in her county he said they cannot do anything until or unless she causes an accident. I am kicking myself for being so encouraging re: rehabbing, before she would not have had any ability to drive. Her HHA had ordered her an ID card, her state requires licenses to be turned in if not driving, that is also pending. I don't think that would stop her from doing something she wanted to do anyway.

Also kicking myself for facilitating the returning to her home with a HHA, so she would have someone to drive her places. So worried she will harm herself or others trying to drive. Had we pushed for a facility post rehab none of this would have been in play.

Any solutions here that my brother and I are not seeing?

[Anonymous]

I think I would go there and not leave until the car was sold and gone. It's possible a relative will then help her get a new car but you could also contact all possible co-conspirators and set them straight on the reality of the situation.

Perhaps also have a conversation with mom about exact plans for how she will get where she needs to go or have stuff delivered or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, she has a HHA who drives her to things, grocery shops, etc. She has no need to drive.

This is more her wanting to show she can do what she wants, go to liquor store (something HHA will not do), etc.

I will look into other ways to get a title besides waiting for the one in the mail. She is now saying she will not sign it. And that is before she has a key in hand. LE there says they can do nothing until an accident happens. I would have to take unpaid time from work and could see her just refusing to sell it. Then what?

[Anonymous]

I guess the only other thing you might do is have a real serious conversation with her asking her if she really wants to die in a horrible car accident or worse, murder others due to her reflexes and judgment being impaired by age. Maybe you can appeal to her humanity despite her age.

It's possible a frank conversation like that will work but it's also possible she'll just get mad and do what she wants anyway and then refuse to talk to you anymore.

[Anonymous]

In a similar situation, we continually disabled the car so it wouldn't run.

But something that sticks out to me is your comment that the HHA won't drive your mom to the liquor store. WTH?? If I were your mom, I'd be furious and helpless at not being able to direct my own life the way I prefer. I'd make sure anyone hired will follow my mom's directions. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

The liquor store is a doctor's order due to medication she is taking and a serious heart condition and stage 4 kidney disease. She "agrees" with that on the surface too but her main personality trait is doing whatever she wants.

Should have never agreed to facilitate her going home after rehab. If she was in a facility her acting out would be someone else's problem unless kicked out (a possibility with her personality).

Hopefully she won't kill herself or anyone else. Now her eyesight is very bad too. Woke up with a migraine, just feel sick.

[Anonymous]

I know disabling works for some people, she would just call AAA.

I had been excited for the progress she was making rehabbing but now think would have been better when she could barely walk. I literally feel ill.

[Anonymous]

What worked for my mom was a frank conversation about what could happen to someone else if she took the risk. She didn’t care from a human perspective but once we started talking about how her entire estate could be lost to a lawsuit, and everything she and my dad had worked so hard for would be gone that seemed to do the trick.

In regards to the alcohol, she’s 92. Of course she has health issues and she’s probably lived longer than the majority of us will. I’d seriously consider letting her drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What worked for my mom was a frank conversation about what could happen to someone else if she took the risk. She didn’t care from a human perspective but once we started talking about how her entire estate could be lost to a lawsuit, and everything she and my dad had worked so hard for would be gone that seemed to do the trick.

In regards to the alcohol, she’s 92. Of course she has health issues and she’s probably lived longer than the majority of us will. I’d seriously consider letting her drink.

I would also let her drink. Unlike driving, this isn’t going to hurt anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The liquor store is a doctor's order due to medication she is taking and a serious heart condition and stage 4 kidney disease. She "agrees" with that on the surface too but her main personality trait is doing whatever she wants.

Should have never agreed to facilitate her going home after rehab. If she was in a facility her acting out would be someone else's problem unless kicked out (a possibility with her personality).

Hopefully she won't kill herself or anyone else. Now her eyesight is very bad too. Woke up with a migraine, just feel sick.

She is 92 and she is dying (one way or another), I say let her drink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The liquor store is a doctor's order due to medication she is taking and a serious heart condition and stage 4 kidney disease. She "agrees" with that on the surface too but her main personality trait is doing whatever she wants.

Should have never agreed to facilitate her going home after rehab. If she was in a facility her acting out would be someone else's problem unless kicked out (a possibility with her personality).

Hopefully she won't kill herself or anyone else. Now her eyesight is very bad too. Woke up with a migraine, just feel sick.

She is 92 and she is dying (one way or another), I say let her drink.

And she might become more amenable to other changes if she has something in her life she can control. She probably won't even continue it, but it's just the satisfaction of being able to do it. Even at her age she's trying to rebel because she's lost all control of so much else in her life.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the car. Sell it to carvana or something ASAP and make sure it is entirely gone. Absolutely no driving, she could kill someone.

Then let the HHA take her to the liquor store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the car. Sell it to carvana or something ASAP and make sure it is entirely gone. Absolutely no driving, she could kill someone.

Then let the HHA take her to the liquor store.

OP can't sell it until she gets the title and even then her mother would have to sign it over, no?

Agree with letting her drink. I was young but I distinctly remember my grandfather taking up smoking again when he was in his late 70s/early 80s. Not quite the same thing but at a certain age, why not?

[Anonymous]

Tell her doctor to call the DMV about revoking her license.

[Anonymous]

I also agree with other posters. If letting her drink solves the driving battle than go with the option that does not endanger others. Depending on what she likes to drink you could also weaken her options. Water down any bottles of hard alcohol she enjoys so she can have a drink but the alcohol content is not as big and therefore not as bad for her medication.