If it felt like you married your soulmate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

+1 and left me financially devastated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

How long did you date before marriage? Genuinely curious. I tell my teens 2 years should be enough to discover if they’re faking something

Nope, he was waving red flags wildly the entire time we were together. More important than time together is having a healthy sense of self esteem and self respect and not tolerating abusive behavior from anyone, no matter how much they say they “love” you or how charismatic they are. I had a wildly dysfunctional upbringing and I would hope and assume that the average child of a dcurbanmom will have a little more emotional armor.

Abusive people are making a choice to act that way and can act “loving” for exactly as long as they need to. Look how many people on this board marry people who have narcissistic traits or are just wildly selfish. You need to know to kick them to the curb the FIRST time they show you who they are, and that’s really really hard.

Every word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love at first sight, total nightmare marriage with physical and emotional abuse.

How long did you date before marriage? Genuinely curious. I tell my teens 2 years should be enough to discover if they’re faking something

Nope, he was waving red flags wildly the entire time we were together. More important than time together is having a healthy sense of self esteem and self respect and not tolerating abusive behavior from anyone, no matter how much they say they “love” you or how charismatic they are. I had a wildly dysfunctional upbringing and I would hope and assume that the average child of a dcurbanmom will have a little more emotional armor.

Abusive people are making a choice to act that way and can act “loving” for exactly as long as they need to. Look how many people on this board marry people who have narcissistic traits or are just wildly selfish. You need to know to kick them to the curb the FIRST time they show you who they are, and that’s really really hard.

My heart goes out to you PP. I had a pretty functional upbringing and didn't see any red flags prior to marriage. Sometimes the abuser is very good at hiding things or doesn’t become abusive until after the victim spouse is trapped by marriage or children. My DH was very clever at hiding things and very good at lying. Psychopaths and sociopaths can do that.

My experience taught me you have to vet romantic partners very carefully - it’s not just that they are openly abusive or have red flags. The tells can be very small. In my case, there was no abuse prior to marriage and I only caught on by accidentally opening something I wasn’t expected to.

Ok tell us the story please. What was in the envelope?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

Life can be long, maybe there’s a place where both can coexist. The friendship taught me so much and I am so grateful for it, me and my marriage needed an overhaul, the whole EA discovery accelerated the breakdown and repair process. I really hope my friend had some positives come from our time together but I really don’t know, they had a lot more about life figured out than I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

Life can be long, maybe there’s a place where both can coexist. The friendship taught me so much and I am so grateful for it, me and my marriage needed an overhaul, the whole EA discovery accelerated the breakdown and repair process. I really hope my friend had some positives come from our time together but I really don’t know, they had a lot more about life figured out than I did.

Hi OP, You sound like my person, and I hope you are happier these days. I do miss you, and you will always have a place in my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

Life can be long, maybe there’s a place where both can coexist. The friendship taught me so much and I am so grateful for it, me and my marriage needed an overhaul, the whole EA discovery accelerated the breakdown and repair process. I really hope my friend had some positives come from our time together but I really don’t know, they had a lot more about life figured out than I did.

Hi OP, You sound like my person, and I hope you are happier these days. I do miss you, and you will always have a place in my heart.

That’s not OP that you are quoting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

Life can be long, maybe there’s a place where both can coexist. The friendship taught me so much and I am so grateful for it, me and my marriage needed an overhaul, the whole EA discovery accelerated the breakdown and repair process. I really hope my friend had some positives come from our time together but I really don’t know, they had a lot more about life figured out than I did.

Hi OP, You sound like my person, and I hope you are happier these days. I do miss you, and you will always have a place in my heart.

That’s not OP that you are quoting.

OP here and indeed the above (“Life can be long…”) isn’t me, though i can somewhat relate.

[Anonymous]

DH and I met freshman year of college / in our late teens. I don’t think either of us believes in the idea of a soulmate or “the one”. We dated a long time since we were so young (10 years) before marriage and have been married 15 years. Solid friendship and sex life. I’m not sure our values are always aligned, but we learn and grow and adjust. We have young kids so that can be exhausting and we do get frustrated with each other, but we’re still good friends. I think we both agree that one of the challenges in our relationship is that our strengths and weaknesses are very similar, so we don’t compensate for those weaknesses well. For instance, we both really enjoy sports and playing with our kids, and often pick that over getting the laundry done on weekends. Our home is often cluttered. In terms of values, some of our differences is (a) I’m a little religious and he is not at all (atheist) (2) although we’re both liberal, he’s more so than I am (3) I tend to stress about saving / stretching dollars and he doesn’t (we’re very stable financially, but I’m still more conservative with money) and (4) his favorite way to unwind is to be home / quiet with a book and mine is to be out with friends. I knew all this when we married - and I make sure I see my female friends quite often - but recently we’ve made a bigger push to have more dates because I miss going out with him!

[Anonymous]

Blissfully happy for 16 years. Then he got a promotion that required him to travel one week a month. Things felt off and distant pretty quickly, but he blamed it on work stress and being tired. A few months later I discovered he was having an affair with his admin assistant, who traveled with him on those trips. When I confronted him, it was like someone flipped a switch overnight and my husband was gone, replaced with a look-alike that just looked at me with empty dead eyes. He was there, but I couldn’t reach him, didn’t recognize the man he seemed to be, and realized that I didn’t even like this person.

Divorced a year later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blissfully happy for 16 years. Then he got a promotion that required him to travel one week a month. Things felt off and distant pretty quickly, but he blamed it on work stress and being tired. A few months later I discovered he was having an affair with his admin assistant, who traveled with him on those trips. When I confronted him, it was like someone flipped a switch overnight and my husband was gone, replaced with a look-alike that just looked at me with empty dead eyes. He was there, but I couldn’t reach him, didn’t recognize the man he seemed to be, and realized that I didn’t even like this person.

Divorced a year later.

Oh man, I’m so so sorry. :/ Do you guys have kids? I hope you are back on your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met freshman year of college / in our late teens. I don’t think either of us believes in the idea of a soulmate or “the one”. We dated a long time since we were so young (10 years) before marriage and have been married 15 years. Solid friendship and sex life. I’m not sure our values are always aligned, but we learn and grow and adjust. We have young kids so that can be exhausting and we do get frustrated with each other, but we’re still good friends. I think we both agree that one of the challenges in our relationship is that our strengths and weaknesses are very similar, so we don’t compensate for those weaknesses well. For instance, we both really enjoy sports and playing with our kids, and often pick that over getting the laundry done on weekends. Our home is often cluttered. In terms of values, some of our differences is (a) I’m a little religious and he is not at all (atheist) (2) although we’re both liberal, he’s more so than I am (3) I tend to stress about saving / stretching dollars and he doesn’t (we’re very stable financially, but I’m still more conservative with money) and (4) his favorite way to unwind is to be home / quiet with a book and mine is to be out with friends. I knew all this when we married - and I make sure I see my female friends quite often - but recently we’ve made a bigger push to have more dates because I miss going out with him!

These seem like such small differences!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

When I was in my 30's I was the friend in this scenario to someone who was married and told me I was his soul mate. I was never married, child of divorced parents with infidelity in their marriage. I was stupid and thought this was sometimes how people met. I take full responsibiity for my role in getting involved with this person. But man did he lure me in with the whole I'm so unhappy in my marriage/you're my soul mate nonsense.

To this PP: I was also the catalyst for this person's "repair" of his marriage, or at least that's what he told me. It truly damaged me, maybe for life. FYI I ended it when I realized what he was doing.

Leave single women alone. You don't get to take from them what you don't intend to give. If you don't recognize your actions as predatory, you learned nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Blissfully happy for 16 years. Then he got a promotion that required him to travel one week a month. Things felt off and distant pretty quickly, but he blamed it on work stress and being tired. A few months later I discovered he was having an affair with his admin assistant, who traveled with him on those trips. When I confronted him, it was like someone flipped a switch overnight and my husband was gone, replaced with a look-alike that just looked at me with empty dead eyes. He was there, but I couldn’t reach him, didn’t recognize the man he seemed to be, and realized that I didn’t even like this person.

Divorced a year later.

My “soul mate” also had a lobotomy around years 16-18. It really is looking at someone you knew and loved for 20-some years and not even recognizing them anymore.

So sorry you went through this too. It’s devastating and hurts your brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:28 years together, love at first sight. Some minor ups and downs until 2021 when some drift and an emotional affair. Hard time for about a year but things are looking good again and we’re gonna be fine.

How did you turn it around? What cause the EA?

EA wasn’t intended, just a friendship that got a little intense, that situation is deeply regretted and lost forever. Friend was hurt by my actions and that guilt hasn’t gone away.
Self improvement, therapy, accountability and space have allowed love to come back, ebbs and flows but things are better and clean between us.

Humans are so complicated. :/ Makes me sad you had to end a friendship to save the marriage (though I completely understand).

Life can be long, maybe there’s a place where both can coexist. The friendship taught me so much and I am so grateful for it, me and my marriage needed an overhaul, the whole EA discovery accelerated the breakdown and repair process. I really hope my friend had some positives come from our time together but I really don’t know, they had a lot more about life figured out than I did.

I'm in the middle of this situation right now