Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.

I believe it.

One problem is that parents don't think about certain behaviors as being part of their "treatment" of kids. Like they might think they are being equal because they give all their kids the same opportunities and support. But I always knew my sister was my parents favorite because they always spoke of her admirably, both to her face and when she wasn't around. They didn't speak to me that way -- I was more likely to get "annoyed" or "bored". Kids pick up on that and it's the kind of thing that is hard to hide.

Also, sometimes you have to treat your kids unequally in order to be equitable, and it can create asymmetries. My baby brother just needed more help than the rest of us, in every way. My parents gave it to him, as they should. And I don't resent it, but it does happen to mean that I had to figure some stuff out on my own that he had help with. It's just how it goes. It's not unfair but it doesn't always feel great. Kids want the attention and approval of their parents. It's hard to be the one who does okay with less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.

I believe this! I can unequivocally say that my eldest sister and middle sister are the favorites. Always provided with what they wanted, given what the asked constantly, allowed to do less at home, etc. yet my parents always claim they treated us all equally.

Everything revolves around my oldest sister and always have. She is automatically listened to, her needs are automatically prioritized. When I try to speak up and get my needs met, I am treated like a spoiled pain in the neck. All I am doing is asking for, like, 25 percent of what she gets.

(Example: my parents have a five bedroom house. I would like one bedroom to sleep in on the holidays with my husband. She wants all four - one for her and her husband, one so each kid can sleep alone in a bedroom. She tells me there isn't enough room for me. My parents nod understandably "because she has kids." My middle sibling just doesn't fight it and winds up getting a hotel room. We either sleep at my aunt's or sleep on the pullout in the den which the kids stream into when they wake up. I am considered a brat for asking for one bedroom or for the kids to stay out of the den till after eight am.)

I would literally just not go and tell them why.

[Anonymous]

I don’t wonder why your DD seems insecure. She’s a teenage girl navigating today’s world and her mother, who is supposed to have her back, doesn’t like her and threatens to withdraw affection. Poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Growing up, I was my father’s favorite, until I hit puberty, but after college I was again my father’s favorite. I was (am) a better conversationalist than my older brother and younger sister, and was more independent. But he also expected more of me.

My brother was my mother’s favorite, until my little sister came around. Reflecting on my childhood, I don’t think my mom liked me as a kid. I was fiercely independent, even as a kid, especially after my sister was born, and didn’t overtly NEED her like my siblings did.

I have one kid, and never wanted more than one, in part because I know how awful it is to be a mother’s less-favored child.

“Ironically” as my parents aged, I provided a lot more emotional support to my mom as my father’s health became worse.

He passed recently. My mom clearly preferred my brother and his kids at his funeral, even though my sister and I were the ones sitting vigil with her while he and his family were in town for less than 24 hours. It’s still raw, so only “good daughter” guilt that forces me to reach out to her.

She’d claim she didn’t have a favorite. My father would have been honest about it.

So, moms who clearly favor a needy son over a competent daughter - be warned. Your daughter will likely wise up before your son learns to step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.

I believe this! I can unequivocally say that my eldest sister and middle sister are the favorites. Always provided with what they wanted, given what the asked constantly, allowed to do less at home, etc. yet my parents always claim they treated us all equally.

Everything revolves around my oldest sister and always have. She is automatically listened to, her needs are automatically prioritized. When I try to speak up and get my needs met, I am treated like a spoiled pain in the neck. All I am doing is asking for, like, 25 percent of what she gets.

(Example: my parents have a five bedroom house. I would like one bedroom to sleep in on the holidays with my husband. She wants all four - one for her and her husband, one so each kid can sleep alone in a bedroom. She tells me there isn't enough room for me. My parents nod understandably "because she has kids." My middle sibling just doesn't fight it and winds up getting a hotel room. We either sleep at my aunt's or sleep on the pullout in the den which the kids stream into when they wake up. I am considered a brat for asking for one bedroom or for the kids to stay out of the den till after eight am.)

I would literally just not go and tell them why.

I agree. Stop going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.

I believe this! I can unequivocally say that my eldest sister and middle sister are the favorites. Always provided with what they wanted, given what the asked constantly, allowed to do less at home, etc. yet my parents always claim they treated us all equally.

Everything revolves around my oldest sister and always have. She is automatically listened to, her needs are automatically prioritized. When I try to speak up and get my needs met, I am treated like a spoiled pain in the neck. All I am doing is asking for, like, 25 percent of what she gets.

(Example: my parents have a five bedroom house. I would like one bedroom to sleep in on the holidays with my husband. She wants all four - one for her and her husband, one so each kid can sleep alone in a bedroom. She tells me there isn't enough room for me. My parents nod understandably "because she has kids." My middle sibling just doesn't fight it and winds up getting a hotel room. We either sleep at my aunt's or sleep on the pullout in the den which the kids stream into when they wake up. I am considered a brat for asking for one bedroom or for the kids to stay out of the den till after eight am.)

I would literally just not go and tell them why.

I agree. Stop going.

+1 and tell them all why. They SUCK.

[Anonymous]

There's a scene in This Is Us that's always stuck with me when two of the triplets are accusing the mother of favoring the third. She gets flustered and finally yells - He was just so much easier than you two. I think there's a lot of truth there. I don't have a favorite child in terms of loving one more (I actually don't think the heart is capable of this) but one of my kids is so much easier to spend time with. For example, my spouse is out of town today - one kid woke up got ready for school and then started tidying up the house before school to help, the other rolled out of bed and started yelling at me for not waking them up (I did) and then was grouchy until bus stop.

[Anonymous]

We have one child, so yes lol. My parents say no, but I suspect they favored my sister, who was the baby (8 years younger than me and 7 younger than my brother). My grandparents very clearly favored me, because I was first. I was extremely close to them growing up as well.

[Anonymous]

my spouse's sibling was the parents' favorite child, still is. everyone, including the siblings, knows this and it manifests even now in adulthood. it's sad and i vowed to avoid that with my kids.

[Anonymous]

I was one parent's favorite child, and it was mutual!

[Anonymous]

My mothers best friend claimed I was the favorite child but it was not at all obvious - both parents tried hard to treat everyone equally. I think that is the best way to go as we all get on well now and there are a lot of us.

I try hard to treat both DC equally but one was a lot easier to raise. We still try to provide equal opportunities for both but we cannot force them to take advantage of all they are offered. One ran with every opportunity. The other one has not and complains a lot.

We will continue to do our best to love each one equally and for who they are. They may see things differently but we can only parent with the best of intentions.

[Anonymous]

My best friend and I each have two kids. We admitted we had a favorite, and we each guessed whose the other was. Both of us guessed the wrong child. So I guess we overcompensated for having a favorite?