Were you the favorite child? Do you know why? Do you have a favorite child?

[Anonymous]

Have you told them? And how have you explained your choice to the other siblings and at what age did you tell the ?

I tell my kids, 14 & 16, that I don’t favor one over the other but DD (always drama confrontational) insists I favor her brother. I actually do more with her and we certainly end up spending and accommodating her more. They are both told often that we love them and foster their esteem, DD is just in a nasty teen age phase (16). DD is actually navigating me to favor my son with her immaturity, insecurity. I came close to telling her so. I want to tell her that at times, she is so difficult. I don’t see her ever changing, she’s so insecure.

[Anonymous]

You obviously do have a favorite and your DD is reacting to that.

[Anonymous]

In my family everyone thinks they were the favorite child.

[Anonymous]

I can’t remember the article, but there was a study done years back. They looked at hundreds of families with multiple children. Parents were surveyed, asked to fill out questionnaires and interviewed. What the study showed is that while parents thought they were treating their kids equitably were actually not. Unknowingly or unconsciously they actually had preferential treatment with certain kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here- I tell DD she is my favorite daughter, my son he’s my favorite boy. DD thinks ‘everything should be even Steven’ down the line, my son is a different personality and can’t multi task, think on his feet like his sister. Her Polarizing personality is hurting our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told them? And how have you explained your choice to the other siblings and at what age did you tell the ?

I tell my kids, 14 & 16, that I don’t favor one over the other but DD (always drama confrontational) insists I favor her brother. I actually do more with her and we certainly end up spending and accommodating her more. They are both told often that we love them and foster their esteem, DD is just in a nasty teen age phase (16). DD is actually navigating me to favor my son with her immaturity, insecurity. I came close to telling her so. I want to tell her that at times, she is so difficult. I don’t see her ever changing, she’s so insecure.

16 is peak insecurity. But getting into a debate about it is not wise. And NEVER tell her that he comments make you prefer her brother. She will never forget that.

You just say things like "I try to do my best to make sure everyone's needs are met. This isn't about your brother, is there something bothering you? Is there something you need from me that you aren't getting?" and then listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I tell DD she is my favorite daughter, my son he’s my favorite boy. DD thinks ‘everything should be even Steven’ down the line, my son is a different personality and can’t multi task, think on his feet like his sister. Her Polarizing personality is hurting our relationship.

OP, you keep blaming your DD for the challenging relationship--that could only create a negative feed back loop. She's not perfect, neither is you. Meet her where she is, not where you wish she was. You really have to change your mentality from "If only she's different we'd have a great relationship" to "She is who she is, and I'm going to do my best to meet her needs instead of ruminating on her shortcomings."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I tell DD she is my favorite daughter, my son he’s my favorite boy. DD thinks ‘everything should be even Steven’ down the line, my son is a different personality and can’t multi task, think on his feet like his sister. Her Polarizing personality is hurting our relationship.

If you don't want her to compare, then you need to stop comparing. That leads nowhere good.

When she brings up brother, focus it back on her. What is she not getting that she thinks she needs? Is it something brother is getting? Why can she not have the same thing? Really think about it.

[Anonymous]

I have told my kids that my goal is to die with each of them convinced they were my favorite. So far it has worked; I even overheard them arguing over it, each saying how they know they are my favorite.

So do I have a favorite? Sure. Each of them has been my favorite at different points; it changes frequently. I’m just happy to leave them all guessing.

[Anonymous]

Each of my kids thinks they are my favorite and of course they all are. I have two daughters who are very different but each delightful in their own ways, and a younger son who is a total sweetheart and definitely gets “babied” a bit but I know his sisters know they are just as loved.
I was an only child for my mom so obviously her favorite. I have many much older half siblings but I do think my dad especially enjoyed me because I was a late in life surprise for him and he was around much more to see me growing up.

[Anonymous]

I have a twice exceptional son with very frustrating special needs, and a daughter who is neurotypical. We all get annoyed at my son. Yet he's immeasurably gentle and patient (and utterly oblivious to time and social exigencies - always late, socially inappropriate, etc). My daughter is feisty but quick-witted, and so much more functional: she gets angry, but it blows away quickly. She can do more in 5 minutes than her brother can in several hours, so whenever I need help, who am I going to really count on, even if I ask both of them? Not to mention, she's 5 years younger...

We are all aware of this dynamic. My son knows he annoys us daily. My daughter knows she's the competent one. It's just too glaring and obvious to hide, so we don't hide it. Yet I tell them both I love them. I want them to do their best with the skills they have, and I am proud of both of their efforts. Twice exceptionality is extremely challenging to parent, since you can never be sure what a child is capable of. It's very hard on us, and on him. So we do give each other some grace and try to be tolerant.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. Growing up, my mom wildly favored my brother and my dad briefly favored me before devolving into alcoholism. As an adult I have required the least of my mom's resources (failure to launch brother + single mother sister), so I'm the "favorite" in that she's most proud of me but I'm not the favorite in terms of time, money, or attention. That's fine by me, I don't know how she could have parented more "evenly" without being dismissive or uncaring to my siblings when they really needed support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told them? And how have you explained your choice to the other siblings and at what age did you tell the ?

I tell my kids, 14 & 16, that I don’t favor one over the other but DD (always drama confrontational) insists I favor her brother. I actually do more with her and we certainly end up spending and accommodating her more. They are both told often that we love them and foster their esteem, DD is just in a nasty teen age phase (16). DD is actually navigating me to favor my son with her immaturity, insecurity. I came close to telling her so. I want to tell her that at times, she is so difficult. I don’t see her ever changing, she’s so insecure.

That you can call your daughter nasty, insecure, and you "don't see her ever changing" and say it's her fault that you favor her brother, in the same breath that you 1) say you don't have a favorite, and 2) call your DD the immature one . . . is truly hilarious.

My mom had a favorite but at least she wasn't trash like your DD's mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have a twice exceptional son with very frustrating special needs, and a daughter who is neurotypical. We all get annoyed at my son. Yet he's immeasurably gentle and patient (and utterly oblivious to time and social exigencies - always late, socially inappropriate, etc). My daughter is feisty but quick-witted, and so much more functional: she gets angry, but it blows away quickly. She can do more in 5 minutes than her brother can in several hours, so whenever I need help, who am I going to really count on, even if I ask both of them? Not to mention, she's 5 years younger...

We are all aware of this dynamic. My son knows he annoys us daily. My daughter knows she's the competent one. It's just too glaring and obvious to hide, so we don't hide it. Yet I tell them both I love them. I want them to do their best with the skills they have, and I am proud of both of their efforts. Twice exceptionality is extremely challenging to parent, since you can never be sure what a child is capable of. It's very hard on us, and on him. So we do give each other some grace and try to be tolerant.

DP. Growing up my family dynamic was similar. My brother was exceptionally gifted but very immature, and did poorly in school b/c he was so focused on play. I was the younger daughter who was responsible, mature beyond my age, good student, not causing trouble, etc. My brother and I both knew I was my parents' favorite. Brother didn't care. I was bummed because parents praised brother often for his intelligence but not mine.

[Anonymous]

Someone mentioned something to at stuck with me in the Relationships forum. They had a sibling who always was very much seeing things in the light of “poor me” ever since childhood and how it is a personality affliction the way someone can find fault in everything or feel slighted by everyone around them.