Repeating "I want ..." until we gave in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree giving in every time is not going to work and will make it worse. Especially if you are giving in and your DH is not because it will just increase her current preference for you, making this worse.

However, I also suspect that your DH is simply ignoring/doing nothing, and he might think that's going to work but he is probably unwittingly making it worse as well. Kids repeat because they don't feel heard or because they have a need that isn't being met. You have to engage with them. That doesn't mean always give them what they demand, especially when it's always a preferred parent or a food different from what is being served. But "I want mommy" can mean "I want hugs and smiles and I always get those from mommy during pick up but daddy is less cuddly and just focuses on the teacher and getting me in my carseat." If he engages with her and makes a connection, she will discover that actually daddy pick up is good too.

We went through a big mommy preference with my DD when she was a toddler and yes, it was important that I (mommy) not just be the parent who always gives her what she wants. But the real source of the preference was that I was the cuddly parent with the kind voice who talked to her more and made things into games, and my DH was still getting his sea legs as a parent to a non-baby and was a lot more stern and would more easily get frustrated when she didn't listen (toddler "don't listen" all the time, you have to be patient with them). What changed that was my DH developing more parenting skills. and learning to engage with her in ways that she enjoyed, and not just as a task master or exasperated parent.

YES YES YES to this. My 4 year old went through a big mommy-preference stage to the point that he was telling DH "I hate you." I noticed that this tended to happen most around bedtime, when 4 yo was at his most annoying/procrastinating and DH's reaction was to totally tune out 4 yo and just look at his phone. The "I hate yous" would make DH give attention - albeit negative attention - to 4 yo. We stopped this cycle by having DH be more engaged with 4 yo. This didn't mean that DH let the procrastination and annoying behavior just happen, but he was more actively involved in redirection and gave a lot more attention/engagement when 4yo was exhibiting good behavior. Worked like a charm. Mommy preference is gone and my now 5yo is much calmer and cooperative at bedtime.

[Anonymous]

You can follow the advice here if you want. I bet she’ll grow out of it either way.

[Anonymous]

Not to suggest the advice isn’t good. Just that sometimes for whatever reason it may not work for you. There are some things we spent a ton of time and energy teaching my kids. There are others we did a shitty half ass job. So far they seem to get with the program either way.

[Anonymous]

Kids are constantly running social experiments to see what reaction they can get, to test control of the world, to try and find a hack to get their way. Your daughter has found something that works and will keep doing it as long as it works even some of the time. Even if you stop giving in completely shes going to keep experimenting for a while to see if she can get you to start giving in again. This could go on gor a long time, and I know it's hard to hear your kid cry but you have to be 100% consistent and remain consistent for a long time until it's clear to your daughter that she's not going to get the response she wants. Could take months to be honest, since she's had so many experiences with this working out for her and she needs to unlearn it. You are going to need a lot of patience. It's not going to be easy. Try these steps:

1. Warn her. Sit her down and explain she if she ever has a temper tantrum she can't get what she wants anymore.
2. Explain it so she understands. Get some toys and put on a play for her with them. Have Toy A and Toy B both ask for something from Toy C. Toy A asks nicely and says please. She gets what she wants. Toy B has a temper tantrum. Toy B doesn't get what he wants. (I know this sounds weird but acting out scenarios like this with toys helped my kid to grasp this concept at 2).
3. The hard part: you must be completely consistent for months that if she ever has a tantrum she can't have what she's demanding. Even if the request is reasonable, if she throws a tantrum rather than asking nicely it's a no, full stop.
4. Have your husband enforce these rules too so you're not the sole bad guy.
5. When she asks nicely and calmly for some reasonable, don't just give her what she asks for but make a big deal of how great it is that she asked politely and calmly and say how she's being such a big girl!