Give it to me straight: sleep deprivation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP?

OP here, I'm 30.

Op i am a pp and I said this to my cousin this week so want to pass it along, one of the things that I feel like is really hard in deciding to have kids is I feel like especially as you get in your early 30s and friends are having kids, it's really hard to see from the outside the good parts of parenting or what make it worth it. I absolutely don't want to sugarcoat it because it can be extremely hard. This is really only to say that it's easy to see the hard parts from the outside, but the moments of pure bliss at watching these little humans grow is impossible to quanitify or really see from the outside. I had babies fairly early from my friends (29) so I had no idea really what I was getting into ha, but my friends who have watched other friends i think honestly have more reservations because they do see those hard parts. And they are there. But just know, that the good parts are hard to quantify and see from the outside. But they are there!!

^sorry to be a Debbie Downer but I feel the opposite is true -- it's harder to see the isolating, relentless and depressing parts of parenting from the outside, and easier to see the happy highlight reel (look at all your Christmas card pictures and your Facebook). I never regretted having a kid but during the pandemic came very close to feeling that way. I am glad you are being cautious, OP.

ha I'm the pp and this is very true too. It's impossible to understand how hard it can be as well, you are so right. I guess in this instance my cousin had been around my kids for days while they were on holiday crazy highs and were incredibly difficult and I just seemed exhausted and frustrated. So I was kind of like hey it's not all trying to get your kid to sleep and tantrums (though I guess it is a lot of that??? ok you're right..)

[Anonymous]

Our pediatrician told me to wake our baby to nurse until she turned 4 months old. She was very little and very sleepy. I didn't get a full night's rest for 4 months. I remember when I finally did and I was like, wow, this is why DH and the grandparents get so happy around DD. THEY CAN SLEEP. I was in pure survival mode for 4 months and felt absolutely zero joy during that time.

Since then I would say she has often slept through the night, but not always. We've had some really rough times with sleep including over the past year (she's almost 4). I don't think the sleep deprivation ends at any given point, but it isn't constant. Even my boss whose kids are teenagers sometimes misses work because one of them had a meltdown about school work at midnight. It's hard.

I would describe parenting as a very difficult and stressful adventure. You learn a lot and you can have some incredible highs. You develop a bond with your child that is not like any other I have. But you are also giving up everything that a childless life offers - more control over sleep, ability to do things for you (vacations, time spent on hobbies), the freedom that comes with not being totally responsible for the well-being of a person that is totally dependent on you.

[Anonymous]

The first two weeks for us were so hard - I was exclusively breastfeeding - in fact, the first night home from the hospital, I fell asleep while the baby was breastfeeding - so dangerous. I feel like that's underdiscussed, just how dangerous sleep deprivation can be for the safety of the baby.

Once we got the baby back up to birth weight, my lactation consultant at our pediatrician's office encouraged me to start using a Haakaa or pumping so that my husband could do an overnight feed and we could split shifts. That helped a ton. I would sleep from 8 pm - 2 am, and my husband would go to bed at 2. Formula is also a great option for splitting shifts overnight.

I love sleep, and do best with 8-9 hours - but I also have been on antidepressants and seeing a psychiatrist for the past few years - the one piece of advice my psychiatrist gave me ahead of time was that research has shown that you can function - not thrive - if you get a four hour, uninterrupted period of sleep. So that was always sitting in my brain, that I just needed to get four hours - and it definitely helped mentally in the beginning to just have the mantra of - you just need four hours!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP?

OP here, I'm 30.

Thanks OP. So around age 45, perimenopause insomnia (which happens to many) could reduce your sleep to 6 hours per night for several years. Think of the baby years (optional sleep deprivation) as Part 1 and perimenopause (not so optional) as Part 2. Sleep deprivation is definitely easier to take at a younger age so if you decide to have kids, sooner is better. Just wanted to give you some perspective.

[Anonymous]

OP also remember it is ok to have one child and not "give them a sibling". Studies show moms of onlies are the happiest

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP also remember it is ok to have one child and not "give them a sibling". Studies show moms of onlies are the happiest

+100 It's also ok to change your mind once you actually experience parenthood. I thought I wanted 2. I now have an only. I felt guilty/weird about it for a year due to hormones, etc. but am SO glad we stopped at one. Perfect balance for us.

[Anonymous]

I will give it to you straight. I am very similar to what you described. I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and need at least 8 hrs.

When we had our first kid it was miserable! We got home with baby and I was completely non functioning for a few weeks. So what I did was prioritize sleep training. I used a more French method versus cry it out but baby was pulling 10 hrs through the night by 10 weeks. Even so I was exhausted though and tbh it took me a couple years to adjust to waking up early even if I slept through the night. Having baby sleep through the night is a huge game changer though! I know I will get a lot of crap for saying this but it is possible for the vast majority of kids to sleep through the night early on. Read Bringing up Bebe. In France it is the social norm for kids to sleep through the night by 3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will give it to you straight. I am very similar to what you described. I have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and need at least 8 hrs.

When we had our first kid it was miserable! We got home with baby and I was completely non functioning for a few weeks. So what I did was prioritize sleep training. I used a more French method versus cry it out but baby was pulling 10 hrs through the night by 10 weeks. Even so I was exhausted though and tbh it took me a couple years to adjust to waking up early even if I slept through the night. Having baby sleep through the night is a huge game changer though! I know I will get a lot of crap for saying this but it is possible for the vast majority of kids to sleep through the night early on. Read Bringing up Bebe. In France it is the social norm for kids to sleep through the night by 3 months.

+1 That book is amazing

[Anonymous]

We sleep trained our first at 13 weeks and our second at 14 weeks. Up until that, I co-slept and nursed my babies at night. Neither of my children was an amazing sleeper, but you get through it. We never had a night nanny and we didn't have family close by or family who helped. It's three months of your life. Not to be flip, but if you want a kid and you can't figure out how to cope with the sleep deprivation aspect of parenting for the first 12 weeks of your child's life than you probably shouldn't have kids. I'm currently pregnant with my third and A LOT of things keep me up at night, but definitely not the sleep aspect. You need to be less controlling and more willing to go with the flow. And I say this as a type- A controlling person who started exercising almost immediately after giving birth because I am so controlling. If I can do it, a lot of people can do it.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids and haven’t slept a solid 8 hours in over 6 years. One child has special needs, the other is just a crap sleeper. Between the night wake ups, nightmares, colic, night nursing, and constant childhood illnesses I have just accepted that I may never sleep until my kids are teens. I love my kids but wish I knew how much having them sucks, and how your old life just ends. If you aren’t up for a ton of sacrifice, diarrhea, vomit, and sleepless nights - as well as a major strain on your marriage - don’t have kids. Seriously. I’m so jealous of my DINK friends sometimes and their ridiculous low responsibility lives full of time for themselves, travel, and hobbies. And going out, too. Oh how I miss my pre kids life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol don’t have kids my friends you will never get the sleep you need. I am right and if you have kids bookmark this post so you can come back and confirm I’m right.

I'm all about being cautious/conservative about the decision to have kids but if you have only one kid (or a large age gap between kids), build a system of support, and you sleep train, you will not miss out on sleep for long.

No, this is not true. We sleep trained our kids and it didn’t work. If did, however, result in lots of
Barfing and noise complaints from our downstairs neighborhood. Don’t oversimplify and just say oh just sleep train and you’ll get your 8 hours. News flash : most parents of kids who don’t sleep don’t go around advertising it because we get judged and shamed. But there are boatloads of us, we just don’t tell anyone because people think we are bad parents or didn’t train right

[Anonymous]

I had twins. It took a while to get them on the same schedule. One would wake just as the other started to get drowsy. For weeks there was a baby awake round the clock. I was so exhausted that I felt like I couldn’t possibly get caught up on sleep for the rest of my life. I remember rocking my colicky baby and realizing that my arms were about to go limp from sheer exhaustion. I was seriously afraid of dropping her if I didn’t put her down right then. I staggered to the crib, put baby in it, wished her luck and crawled in bed.

It was rough and it took all of us pulling together. My dh took a long paternity leave, he took some night feedings, my mom stayed with us and helped during the days, we brought a night nurse in for a couple nights a week. The night nurse does help because you can set an alarm and get up and pump and then immediately go back to bed. You don’t spend any time diapering or burping or settling the baby (and if you have twins, you can just get up once).

The sleep deprivation is horrendous, but for most parents, it’s a season that comes to an end. As bad as it was, it was worth it. I’d rather be tired and have my children than be well rested without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had twins. It took a while to get them on the same schedule. One would wake just as the other started to get drowsy. For weeks there was a baby awake round the clock. I was so exhausted that I felt like I couldn’t possibly get caught up on sleep for the rest of my life. I remember rocking my colicky baby and realizing that my arms were about to go limp from sheer exhaustion. I was seriously afraid of dropping her if I didn’t put her down right then. I staggered to the crib, put baby in it, wished her luck and crawled in bed.

It was rough and it took all of us pulling together. My dh took a long paternity leave, he took some night feedings, my mom stayed with us and helped during the days, we brought a night nurse in for a couple nights a week. The night nurse does help because you can set an alarm and get up and pump and then immediately go back to bed. You don’t spend any time diapering or burping or settling the baby (and if you have twins, you can just get up once).

The sleep deprivation is horrendous, but for most parents, it’s a season that comes to an end. As bad as it was, it was worth it. I’d rather be tired and have my children than be well rested without them.

+100000 to this. I only had one but the sleep deprivation with my first for the first 4 months was really awful. I was on the verge of a breakdown at several points. But in hindsight (oldest is now 6) it was a very short period of life and very worth it. Also it was better with my second because we figured out a few things. Here's what I wish I knew then:
- If you have breastfeeding issues, tackle those as aggressively as possible with a lactation consultant, or just switch to formula if it's not working. A hungry baby will not sleep well.
- If baby is well-fed and gaining weight appropriately, baby does not need to eat every time they wake up after the first few weeks. If you start feeding them every time they wake up, that's what they come to expect and it makes sleep training harder.
- You need to sleep, even if you're on leave and your husband is not. Split up nights with your husband. You can go to bed very early and he can take the wakeups from something like 8 PM to 1 AM, then you take over. It leads to very little time with your husband, unfortunately, but like I said, this is a brief season of life.
- For day naps - just try to put the baby down to sleep in the crib, and keep trying. One day it will stick and you will be able to nap too.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you.

I was struggling with lack of sleep so put my baby on a schedule at 2 weeks. It really helped.

By 6 weeks, DS slept from about 11 or midnight to 3:30 or 4. I went to bed around 9:30 and DH gave the late bottle. So I started getting 5 hours pretty early on.

[Anonymous]

You just kind of power through. It sucks, but the period of bad sleep deprivation isn’t that long. I do remember just sobbing around the 3 week period because I thought I’d never sleep more than 2 hours again, but I made it through to the other side.