What makes a grandmother dislike a certain granddaughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother hated me, for no apparent reason. All my life, I tried to understand it, but no one will ever know. It wasn't a gender thing. I'm guessing it was a personality thing. Her favorite grandchild was my cousin who was kind of the opposite of me. I was independent, perceptive, sensitive, followed my own path, in my own world, tomboyish, strong while my cousin was the exact opposite. I think my grandmother needed to feel needed, and she probably misunderstood my lack of people pleasing, perceptiveness, and refusal to be "cute and adorable" as evil. She would literally take my favorite foods off my plate and put it on my sibling's plate, or the clothes out of my closet to give to my cousin.

That is cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There must be something causing her to have such different reactions to the grandkids.

Dementia?

Or, the grandma could just be a jerk. There isn't a rule that only nice old ladies get to be grandmas.

[Anonymous]

My MIL did this. Blatantly favored another similar aged cousin over my daughter and would deny or get insulted if we pointed it out. I wouldn’t say she was mean to my daughter, but more that she ignored my daughter while lavishing attention and gifts and money on the cousin. My daughter is not close to her as a young adult now.

[Anonymous]

We are in the exact same boat. My mom only has 2 grandkids, my DD and my niece. They are the same age. My mom greatly prefers my niece. My DD is getting old enough to catch on, so I’m going very low contact. But I really feel what you are saying about “perceived slights”. My mom takes very minute things my DD does and twists it into much more than it is. It’s like she WANTS to see her in a bad light. And she’s a great kid. They say she’s poorly behaved, but I’ve never seen anything egregious. Meanwhile my niece has a spoiled brat tantrum nearly everytime we are together, but they turn a blind eye to that.

My only reasoning is my sibling was the golden child and it’s continuing through generations. A lot of therapy focused on my relationship with my family over the last year has helped me to care a lot less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother intensely dislikes my daughter for the pettiest things, but adores our sons, so it’s not just our family. And she adores my brother’s daughter, who is the same age as my daughter, so it’s not a gender thing. The thing is, her mother, so my grandmother, also had over-the-top favorite grandkids and intense dislike and passive-aggressiveness for certain grandkids, which drove my mom up a wall when we were growing up. When I try to delicately explain how she didn’t like it then, but now she’s doing it, she won’t admit it’s the same. Is this genetic or is there any other explanation? She has turned into her mother after vowing never to.

You're describing internal feelings, which you are likely assuming. What matters are the actions. What is she actually DOING? Focus on that.

If she is giving more attention to one child than another, I'd point it out and let it go.
If she is saying hurtful things TO one child, I would be firm about not allowing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the exact same boat. My mom only has 2 grandkids, my DD and my niece. They are the same age. My mom greatly prefers my niece. My DD is getting old enough to catch on, so I’m going very low contact. But I really feel what you are saying about “perceived slights”. My mom takes very minute things my DD does and twists it into much more than it is. It’s like she WANTS to see her in a bad light. And she’s a great kid. They say she’s poorly behaved, but I’ve never seen anything egregious. Meanwhile my niece has a spoiled brat tantrum nearly everytime we are together, but they turn a blind eye to that.

My only reasoning is my sibling was the golden child and it’s continuing through generations. A lot of therapy focused on my relationship with my family over the last year has helped me to care a lot less.

Is she saying things to your child, or to you? If just to you, is it possible she is saying the same thing to your sibling about your niece and you just don't know it?

(It still isn't OK. But there is a difference between preferential behavior and overall terrible behavior.)

[Anonymous]

I’m one of five siblings. My grandma was mean in a stereotypical cranky old lady way to all of us except our middle brother, who she doted on. Decades later he nor any of us can understood why. I think it must have something to do with timing in the grandparent’s life when the favored kid is born.

[Anonymous]

It’s genetics, human nature, and survival of the fittest. Parents and grandparents for millennia have had bad apples and overtly and subconsciously rejected kids. Cats and dogs sometimes do this to their babies in their litter.

[Anonymous]

Are her favorite grandchildren more like her side of the family and the ones she likes less more like the Inlaw side of the family? My grandmother was a real kook and prioritized bloodline, regardless of the actual personalities of people involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in the exact same boat. My mom only has 2 grandkids, my DD and my niece. They are the same age. My mom greatly prefers my niece. My DD is getting old enough to catch on, so I’m going very low contact. But I really feel what you are saying about “perceived slights”. My mom takes very minute things my DD does and twists it into much more than it is. It’s like she WANTS to see her in a bad light. And she’s a great kid. They say she’s poorly behaved, but I’ve never seen anything egregious. Meanwhile my niece has a spoiled brat tantrum nearly everytime we are together, but they turn a blind eye to that.

My only reasoning is my sibling was the golden child and it’s continuing through generations. A lot of therapy focused on my relationship with my family over the last year has helped me to care a lot less.

Is she saying things to your child, or to you? If just to you, is it possible she is saying the same thing to your sibling about your niece and you just don't know it?

(It still isn't OK. But there is a difference between preferential behavior and overall terrible behavior.)

Mostly saying it to me. I know she isn’t saying it to my sibling, I’ve asked point blank and we have the type of relationship where they’d level with me.

But, DD is old enough to notices. She’s pretty perceptive too. Notices that when we are all together, my mom focuses more on my niece. Asks more about her. “Forgets” details about DD, such as her activities and what grade she is in school. But goes on and on about my nieces activity (which is actually the same as my DD, which probably makes it more obvious). DD has straight up asked, “why doesn’t she ask about me? does she not like me?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are her favorite grandchildren more like her side of the family and the ones she likes less more like the Inlaw side of the family? My grandmother was a real kook and prioritized bloodline, regardless of the actual personalities of people involved.

Definitely could be this. Some people favor the grandkids that physically resemble their child more.

[Anonymous]

I would be livid. Don’t you dare talk trash about my child TO ME. Nope no no no.

I’d try once, telling her firmly that if she continues to treat my daughter worse than the other grandkids, this relationship will be over. Don’t argue or give her examples. Just tell her you notice, it is NOT ok and you are watching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in the exact same boat. My mom only has 2 grandkids, my DD and my niece. They are the same age. My mom greatly prefers my niece. My DD is getting old enough to catch on, so I’m going very low contact. But I really feel what you are saying about “perceived slights”. My mom takes very minute things my DD does and twists it into much more than it is. It’s like she WANTS to see her in a bad light. And she’s a great kid. They say she’s poorly behaved, but I’ve never seen anything egregious. Meanwhile my niece has a spoiled brat tantrum nearly everytime we are together, but they turn a blind eye to that.

My only reasoning is my sibling was the golden child and it’s continuing through generations. A lot of therapy focused on my relationship with my family over the last year has helped me to care a lot less.

Is she saying things to your child, or to you? If just to you, is it possible she is saying the same thing to your sibling about your niece and you just don't know it?

(It still isn't OK. But there is a difference between preferential behavior and overall terrible behavior.)

Mostly saying it to me. I know she isn’t saying it to my sibling, I’ve asked point blank and we have the type of relationship where they’d level with me.

But, DD is old enough to notices. She’s pretty perceptive too. Notices that when we are all together, my mom focuses more on my niece. Asks more about her. “Forgets” details about DD, such as her activities and what grade she is in school. But goes on and on about my nieces activity (which is actually the same as my DD, which probably makes it more obvious). DD has straight up asked, “why doesn’t she ask about me? does she not like me?”

You said she is complaining to other family members too, if not your sibling who else is she talking to? Other than not paying as much attention what does she do to show blatant favoritism? Complaining to you about how you're raising her doesn't count.

[Anonymous]

I would not tolerate this and I would be direct: “mom, Larla asked me if you don’t like her. I think you need to put some more work into treating her like Marla.”

After that, if it continued, I’d explain we’re seeing less of her because it’s hurtful to Larla and Larla is your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in the exact same boat. My mom only has 2 grandkids, my DD and my niece. They are the same age. My mom greatly prefers my niece. My DD is getting old enough to catch on, so I’m going very low contact. But I really feel what you are saying about “perceived slights”. My mom takes very minute things my DD does and twists it into much more than it is. It’s like she WANTS to see her in a bad light. And she’s a great kid. They say she’s poorly behaved, but I’ve never seen anything egregious. Meanwhile my niece has a spoiled brat tantrum nearly everytime we are together, but they turn a blind eye to that.

My only reasoning is my sibling was the golden child and it’s continuing through generations. A lot of therapy focused on my relationship with my family over the last year has helped me to care a lot less.

Is she saying things to your child, or to you? If just to you, is it possible she is saying the same thing to your sibling about your niece and you just don't know it?

(It still isn't OK. But there is a difference between preferential behavior and overall terrible behavior.)

Mostly saying it to me. I know she isn’t saying it to my sibling, I’ve asked point blank and we have the type of relationship where they’d level with me.

But, DD is old enough to notices. She’s pretty perceptive too. Notices that when we are all together, my mom focuses more on my niece. Asks more about her. “Forgets” details about DD, such as her activities and what grade she is in school. But goes on and on about my nieces activity (which is actually the same as my DD, which probably makes it more obvious). DD has straight up asked, “why doesn’t she ask about me? does she not like me?”

You said she is complaining to other family members too, if not your sibling who else is she talking to? Other than not paying as much attention what does she do to show blatant favoritism? Complaining to you about how you're raising her doesn't count.

My dad