Would you say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who would you mention your DD's "significant contribution" to?
What outcome would you be trying to achieve?

Suppose you assisted a co-worker with a project that earned them an award and that co-worker never thanked you. How would that make you feel? I’m not jealous about the award. I think it’s a good thing for this student to receive some positive reinforcement. I’m angry that someone DD considered a friend didn’t thank her at all for her help. I think it’s horrible.

Is the co-worker 8 years old? It doesn’t often occur to kids to thank someone in the present about an occurrence in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think you should get a better understanding of how much collaboration the kids are allowed to engage in. They are allowed to share ideas and help each other out. That’s not stealing each other’s work. They usually sit at communal tables. The schools ENCOURAGE that now. I’m concerned that you’re telling your child not to help the other kids, when the teacher is probably telling them to work together.

OP here. I left out a few details. DD does not attend the same school as the other child. DD was led to believe that she was assisting with a school assignment not a competition. To complicate matters we are friends with the family so DD felt awkward saying no. It was an essay for those who have asked. This wasn’t a random classmate who asked for DD’s help but a friend known for years. That’s why it was hurtful that an acknowledgement or thank you was not passed along.

DD has no issues working with other students in the classroom. I do realize that students need to learn how to collaborate but that is not what this was.

Thanks to those who responded with thoughtful advice. It was a lesson learned and DD has already moved on. I need to forget about it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are these kids? You can’t seriously be that upset that one 8 year old didn’t say thank you to another 8 year old, can you?

These are MS students.

[Anonymous]

There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

This post is rude and useless. Goodbye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

Or she could Tanya Harding the competition. That would learn em!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD was identified as gifted from an early age. She has always been a voracious reader and has a natural understanding of mathematical concepts. She is also an introvert which has made making connections with other students more difficult. One thing we have struggled with over the years is dealing with other students who ask for her assistance (answers) with schoolwork. It can be very frustrating for child who wants to form friendships but doesn’t want to feel as if they are being used. Anyway, a friend of DD asked for assistance with a project. DD ignored the request several times and then finally helped this friend. The friend ended up receiving an award for the project. I’m certain this would not have happened without assistance from DD as this other child has struggled in school. The situation wouldn’t bother me so much if the friend had simply said “thank you” to my DD but there has been no acknowledgement to date. Meanwhile, the mother has been boasting to me and others about her DD’s award. Should I let it go or at some point should I mention DD’s significant contribution to the project? I’ve told DD this is a lesson about not sharing work or ideas with others.

So you are ‘certain’ the other girl couldn’t have won the award without your child’s assistance! Lol
The other family would be much better without you and your daughter as ‘friends’.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

This post is rude and useless. Goodbye.

Maybe you should accept that other people have different perspectives.

Sometimes I deal with people at work that are delusional on what they do for the team. They usually are the most difficult to work with, always feeling under appreciated, unhappy, surrounded by drama for perceived slights. It’s important to teach kids how to work effectively in a team. Guarding ideas, trying to own everything is not a recipe for success in my experience. In fact stealing ideas and someone taking credit unfairly is very rare, most of the time it’s misunderstanding, lack of communication and ego. In real life, it’s the opposite, you want people to come to you for advice to solve their problems, that’s how you usually advance in an organization. I think you are sending your daughter the wrong message here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

This post is rude and useless. Goodbye.

It is actually a pretty thoughtful and helpful post...until the last sentence. PP really undercut her point at the very end.

[Anonymous]

Unlike most people on this thread I actually think this was a good experience for OP's child. It's a learning opportunity for her to understand the huge variety of human types out there and for her to understand in what ways she should 'help' or 'suggest' or flat out ghostwrite. If she is affronted by the outcome, good. She needs to chew on it.

I knew a girl in college who was an excellent writer. She wrote college essays for her friends. And near graduation she wrote a senior thesis for a friend so the friend could walk to receive her diploma the next day.
But this girl would self-sabotage her own work and opportunities. I don't think she understood her own motivations / why she was doing what she was doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

This post is rude and useless. Goodbye.

It is actually a pretty thoughtful and helpful post...until the last sentence. PP really undercut her point at the very end.

The family friend of many years is asking the daughter of the op for help with a project. The friend is ignored several times until she is reluctantly ‘assisted’ whatever that means. After the friend wins an award the daughter is upset she is not thanked publicly enough and her help acknowledged, essentially asking to undermine and understate the contribution and merit of the actual author of the essay. I’m sorry but to me this is a terrible personality trait of selfishness, being self centered and self absorbed and overall being an truly awful friend. By middle school these kids should at least know how to navigate these social interactions, and show some empathy. I don’t think age is a valid excuse. I maintain that this kind of behavior would make it difficult if not impossible to form genuine relations and strong friendship bonds with her peers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no mention on what the help consisted of. If the other kid spends weeks working on her essay (at least according to your posts) and your child ‘helps’ by bouncing off some ideas and doing minor edits, then there’s no need for additional thanks and acknowledgements. From the other child’s point of view, if the help was coming from her own parents, it would be odd to bring that up multiple times. In fact it would be more appropriate to not mention it at all since the contribution is very small.

You don’t know the full extent of how work was divided in the project and the actual impact your child help was in getting the award. It seems to me you could be overestimating it, and you only go by your possibly biased and jealous opinion if your DD.

I think the lesson you need to teach your child is that sometimes she needs to help people without expecting anything in return and just be happy for her friends success. It seems that being selfish may be the issue why she can’t make friends.

This post is rude and useless. Goodbye.

It is actually a pretty thoughtful and helpful post...until the last sentence. PP really undercut her point at the very end.

The family friend of many years is asking the daughter of the op for help with a project. The friend is ignored several times until she is reluctantly ‘assisted’ whatever that means. After the friend wins an award the daughter is upset she is not thanked publicly enough and her help acknowledged, essentially asking to undermine and understate the contribution and merit of the actual author of the essay. I’m sorry but to me this is a terrible personality trait of selfishness, being self centered and self absorbed and overall being an truly awful friend. By middle school these kids should at least know how to navigate these social interactions, and show some empathy. I don’t think age is a valid excuse. I maintain that this kind of behavior would make it difficult if not impossible to form genuine relations and strong friendship bonds with her peers.

OP here. Where did I say DD should have been publicly acknowledged? There was zero expectation of that. I was upset that DD was not acknowledged privately at the time she gave the assistance which was many months before the actual award. Here’s how the situation evolved. DD was asked for assistance for what she thought was a school assignment. DD read through essay quickly, pointed out a few changes and said it was fine. Friend kept asking for more assistance. DD then looked it over more critically and spent hours on it. At the time DD asked me what she should do because she felt like it needed a lot of work in it’s current state. I said pointers and suggestions were fine. DD tried to do that but other kid just didn’t understand what DD was trying to explain. Finally, DD fixed all of the grammatical errors of which there were many and rewrote portions because it was less time consuming. Other child repeatedly emphasized that she was trying to meet a deadline. She was not interested in doing the work herself. The situation was more complicated due to the fact that we are friendly with family. Later, when DD found out about the award she mentioned it to me in passing. She was not upset about the award but I think she realized that maybe she assisted too much. My response was “well, I’m sure she appreciated your help and maybe you need to handle differently next time”. DD said no. I asked her what she meant and she showed me the text convo. DD was not lying. I didn’t think much about it until parent of friend started talking to me about it. I’m certain parent doesn’t know anything. One thing I left out. In the past this same child would ask for assistance with her math homework. She showed DD the answers to the problems and asked if DD could double check them. DD said sure and solved all the problems. DD found out that the other child was simply looking up the answers online but she needed the actual work my daughter was providing. Once DD found out she said she was happy to explain but other child needed to learn how do the problems herself or it would hurt her in the future. This is not a good pattern of behavior. DD may be naive but she is the opposite of selfish. I want her to help others and she often does but I don’t want her to be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Your child should have stopped with pointers and suggestions and not done any of the work. That is the lesson for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child should have stopped with pointers and suggestions and not done any of the work. That is the lesson for your child.

This. The lesson is that your DD, by being a pushover, has been helping your friend's child cheat on homework and now a competition. Your DD needs to stop abetting cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child should have stopped with pointers and suggestions and not done any of the work. That is the lesson for your child.

This. The lesson is that your DD, by being a pushover, has been helping your friend's child cheat on homework and now a competition. Your DD needs to stop abetting cheating.

That’s interesting because a couple of posts above she was referred to as a terrible and selfish friend for not helping.