How to create functional, positive holiday traditions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very, very simple holidays based on family bonding activities. I think people get swept up in trying to create picture perfect holiday memories and end up so stressed out and sad when reality doesn't match expectations.

I would focus on creating a few fun traditions and stick to those and don't put any pressure on yourself for a bunch of "extras". Say no to things. Refuse to travel. Don't over commit to activities.

We have two toddlers and Christmas was amazing last year, I was kind of shocked. We baked, watched movies, opened presents slowly. I had rock bottom expectations and kept things simple and because of that it exceeded my expectations.

I think at the end of the day it's easy to get sucked into the circus and stress yourself out and the key is simplicity, slowing down and focusing on quality time together.

what did you do?

I think one of the secrets often to happiness is to have low expectations and maybe this is not me in a bad way but I think a lot of times as parents it's easy to have this Hallmark movie idea of how something is going to go and inevitably they're going to be hiccups along the way and meltdowns or cranky children and you just have to roll with it

OP here. Yes I'm not trying to have the "perfect" holiday. The struggle is more related to how to keep toxic dynamics out, set boundaries, etc. I thought having some traditions would help. Like PP's suggestion to keep Christmas Day as immediate family only and not host will help keep out my BPD/unstable on and again off again alcoholic mother who, for now, I haven't gone no-contact with. Also thinking about ways to limit the involvement of presents, as my family has a weird overbuying problem (partially related to compensating for a MIA parent, arguing, etc) and I don't have many activity options in mind because I didn't do things like that as a child.

Thoughts from people that grew up in a dysfunctional environment could be helpful because they may realize how these things aren't necessarily intuitive if you were never around them.

[Anonymous]

Consider what you actually enjoy rather than what seems like you should enjoy. (So get your favorite carry out and go bowling if that is something you’d like more on Christmas Eve than an elaborate meal and carols.) kids love traditions and as long as you talk about it as a tradition (and follow through) it is one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simple traditions:
Husband takes kids to cut down a tree
Baking Christmas cookies together prior to Christmas (and delivering some to family members and elderly neighbors)
Chinese food Christmas Eve
Leaving cookies, milk and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer
Monkeybread Christmas morning
Getting new PJs that everyone wears Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day
We have always limited gifts (something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read), and whatever small gifts come from aunts and uncles, and usually one bigger gift from the grandparents

This is really awesome! The monkeybread sounds really delicious!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you to to help ensure that the holidays are functional for your kids? I'm not talking lots of gifts or decorations or whatever, but loving and positive experiences.

There were lots of issues with my holidays growing up (one parent would disappear for days, grandparents would "forget" gifts for my and my brother but give to our cousins in front of us, several alcoholics, etc etc) and I'm trying to be intentional about creating good traditions for my kids.

Some things I was thinking - stay home instead of traveling to see toxic family members. Invite close, loving friends over for meals. Limit gifts and focus more on experiences (seeing Christmas lights, making cookies). Make a special Christmas morning breakfast.

Any tips or ideas would be great. This is hard without much to base it on, and my husband has a similarly difficult background.

Don't know how old your kids are but ask them. I came from a large family and every year my mother would ask what we wanted to do. Ideas were along the lines of go look at Christmas lights, bake cookies, etc. from us kids and we all felt included in the holiday prep.

[Anonymous]

Leading up to Christmas we drive around looking at the Christmas lights almost every night while listening to Christmas music. Even the baby likes the lights and our toddlers love them. Our neighborhood has a competition and we make a point of visiting every home that enters it before casting our vote. We discuss the displays and cast a single vote as a household.

We make a big deal of having our kids help decorate the tree. Every time we go on a trip together we buy an ornament as a souvenir so each ornament is a family memory and we discuss them as we put them on the tree. And we tell the kids the story behind each ornament from before they were born as well.

We also watch The Snowman every year. It is our oldest's favorite movie and it is really cute—there are no words, just music.

And each year we listen to the old Apollo 8 Christmas broadcast. That one is more for the grown ups at this point but maybe the kids will appreciate it more later. Might not be as touching if you aren't at all religious but it never fails to move me. You can find it on YouTube.

And we always bake Christmas cookies. And listen to a lot of Christmas songs.

[Anonymous]

My kids love Christmas… every year each one gets an ornament and we also get a family ornament. One day I will give them their collection to start their own tree. We have an advent calendar that has tiny miniatures to build a little Christmas scene. We bake cookies and have special teatimes with candles. Special meals for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Lots of Christmas music, night trips out to look at lights, The Nutcracker, Christmas books that come out for December. Watch The Snowman and Charlie Brown’s Christmas together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very, very simple holidays based on family bonding activities. I think people get swept up in trying to create picture perfect holiday memories and end up so stressed out and sad when reality doesn't match expectations.

I would focus on creating a few fun traditions and stick to those and don't put any pressure on yourself for a bunch of "extras". Say no to things. Refuse to travel. Don't over commit to activities.

We have two toddlers and Christmas was amazing last year, I was kind of shocked. We baked, watched movies, opened presents slowly. I had rock bottom expectations and kept things simple and because of that it exceeded my expectations.

I think at the end of the day it's easy to get sucked into the circus and stress yourself out and the key is simplicity, slowing down and focusing on quality time together.

what did you do?

I think one of the secrets often to happiness is to have low expectations and maybe this is not me in a bad way but I think a lot of times as parents it's easy to have this Hallmark movie idea of how something is going to go and inevitably they're going to be hiccups along the way and meltdowns or cranky children and you just have to roll with it

OP here. Yes I'm not trying to have the "perfect" holiday. The struggle is more related to how to keep toxic dynamics out, set boundaries, etc. I thought having some traditions would help. Like PP's suggestion to keep Christmas Day as immediate family only and not host will help keep out my BPD/unstable on and again off again alcoholic mother who, for now, I haven't gone no-contact with. Also thinking about ways to limit the involvement of presents, as my family has a weird overbuying problem (partially related to compensating for a MIA parent, arguing, etc) and I don't have many activity options in mind because I didn't do things like that as a child.

Thoughts from people that grew up in a dysfunctional environment could be helpful because they may realize how these things aren't necessarily intuitive if you were never around them.

We dont do this, but some people i know have a four gift rule--something you want , something you need, something to wear, and something to read. May buy gifts by rule like this and it will keep you in check?

[Anonymous]

A few things my children enjoyed when they were preschoolers:
An inexpensive kids' tree in the playroom with nonbreakable ornaments that they could decorate and redecorate as much as they want.
new pajamas on Christmas Eve
"Santa" pancakes with whipped cream and strawberries
new ornament each year for each child
Holiday movie nights with popcorn or hot chocolate
Kids could open stockings as soon as they woke up. Include some small, fun things they can play with w/o assistance so you can get coffee without constant "can we open presents now?" interruptions.
Drive around and look at Christmas lights.
Lots of Books - Some favs I remember Mr. Willowby's Christmas Tree, Olive the Other Reindeer, Winter's Gift,
Advent calendar, red/green paper chain, or another way to countdown until Christmas

[Anonymous]

My DH and I mainly continued traditions we'd had growing up. From my side of the family, that's meant celebrating every Advent Sunday with singing & cookies (German family), advent calendars for the little ones, not decorating the tree until Christmas Eve, using real candles, going to the Kennedy Center for the Christmas concert, and opening presents one at a time to keep the pace relaxed. From his side of the family, it's meant cutting down our own tree, driving around to see neighborhood lights, and decorating the outside of our home with lights.

Now that our kids are grown, I hope they take some of those traditions forward with their own families. Since most of my kids are unmarried, they still come home to celebrate with us.