How to create functional, positive holiday traditions?

[Anonymous]

What do you to to help ensure that the holidays are functional for your kids? I'm not talking lots of gifts or decorations or whatever, but loving and positive experiences.

There were lots of issues with my holidays growing up (one parent would disappear for days, grandparents would "forget" gifts for my and my brother but give to our cousins in front of us, several alcoholics, etc etc) and I'm trying to be intentional about creating good traditions for my kids.

Some things I was thinking - stay home instead of traveling to see toxic family members. Invite close, loving friends over for meals. Limit gifts and focus more on experiences (seeing Christmas lights, making cookies). Make a special Christmas morning breakfast.

Any tips or ideas would be great. This is hard without much to base it on, and my husband has a similarly difficult background.

[Anonymous]

Very, very simple holidays based on family bonding activities. I think people get swept up in trying to create picture perfect holiday memories and end up so stressed out and sad when reality doesn't match expectations.

I would focus on creating a few fun traditions and stick to those and don't put any pressure on yourself for a bunch of "extras". Say no to things. Refuse to travel. Don't over commit to activities.

We have two toddlers and Christmas was amazing last year, I was kind of shocked. We baked, watched movies, opened presents slowly. I had rock bottom expectations and kept things simple and because of that it exceeded my expectations.

I think at the end of the day it's easy to get sucked into the circus and stress yourself out and the key is simplicity, slowing down and focusing on quality time together.

[Anonymous]

First of all, don't build up the holidays too much or make them "magical.". It just stresses parents out and kids pick up on it.
Focus on doing stuff with your kids rather than for your kids. Making cookies with them is great, but they should help with clean up too.
Don't schedule too much, kids like to just hang out too.
Gifts are part of the season, but shouldn't be the focus. Something under the tree that they can spend the day playing with is great, it doesn't need to be anything big.

[Anonymous]

We make a point to not travel, not host, and for Christmas day to be just our family, often in PJs well past lunch. Christmas eve is with family who live close by, and generally each family member picks one thing they want us to do over the holiday and that's the extent of the schedule. Some of the things the kids and DH have picked are board game night, going to a mid day movie together, going skating, and I always pick decorating gingerbread together.

The rest of the time is a lot of relaxing of the normal rules and decompressing. I make peace with the house getting trashed with the trade off of everyone getting a break, and take an extra day of PTO to get it all cleaned up when the holiday ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We make a point to not travel, not host, and for Christmas day to be just our family, often in PJs well past lunch. Christmas eve is with family who live close by, and generally each family member picks one thing they want us to do over the holiday and that's the extent of the schedule. Some of the things the kids and DH have picked are board game night, going to a mid day movie together, going skating, and I always pick decorating gingerbread together.

The rest of the time is a lot of relaxing of the normal rules and decompressing. I make peace with the house getting trashed with the trade off of everyone getting a break, and take an extra day of PTO to get it all cleaned up when the holiday ends.

DP chiming in to say this sounds so great, PP! Special in the sense of family time together but low pressure.

[Anonymous]

Get fewer presents than you think you should get. Pick a few things that seem fun or special to you. Things become traditions when you do them repeatedly and view them as special. For example, you can have a tradition of seeing the lights at Brookside Gardens, or you can make a tradition out of the kids making a Christmas ornament or decoration each year (harder with super little ones, but you can build from super simple (even if just their handprints in Xmas colors) to a little more complex. Pick special foods that you have on a particular time. For instance, you can decide Christmas morning means French toast strata and bacon, or scrambled eggs and Panettone. Or Christmas Eve means leaving out cookies or fruit for Santa and the reindeer. I like to buy ornaments whenever we go on a trip, and then when we decorate the tree we relive the good memories. Lots of people do special holiday family photos—you could do that. If you buy a tree, getting it at the same place every year is a fun tradition. Then have hot chocolate after you bring it home. Pick a special couple of special holiday playlists and make those the soundtrack to your holiday. Think of things that looked nice to you that other families did. The whole range of things is really open to you, OP. You will create special traditions for your family.

[Anonymous]

I always have the kids make something that can be a gift. To their dad, a tree ornament (for the house) etc. so they get some experience in getting joy from creating with a purpose and for someone. They are little so its limited to me making a salt dough ornament and them painting it or stringing some beads for the tree.
We get tickets to Brookside gardens light show and go on a weekday followed by breakfast for dinner at a diner.
We also pick a day and bake cookies and deliver to neighbors and the local firestation.

[Anonymous]

We don't make a big deal of Christmas at all. Neither DH nor I believe in the religious aspect of it, and honestly if it weren't shoved down our throats by society, we would skip it altogether. We don't get together with people who are active alcoholics. We generally leave the country and travel at Christmastime, and our kids get six gifts total (four from us, one from their sibling, one from their grandparents). One year during Christmas we were traveling in Israel, another we were in Denmark helping a friend fix up her grandmother's house, another we were in Germany.

[Anonymous]

Simple traditions:
Husband takes kids to cut down a tree
Baking Christmas cookies together prior to Christmas (and delivering some to family members and elderly neighbors)
Chinese food Christmas Eve
Leaving cookies, milk and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer
Monkeybread Christmas morning
Getting new PJs that everyone wears Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day
We have always limited gifts (something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read), and whatever small gifts come from aunts and uncles, and usually one bigger gift from the grandparents

[Anonymous]

My family has tons of traditions that we drop into and out of — sometimes we travel to see family, sometimes we don’t, presents are sometimes big and sometimes small and while we always cook a lot sometimes it’s extragent adventures (big gingerbread sculptures, Star Wars themed baked Alaska) and sometimes it’s just normal family recipes. The holidays are ALWAYS magical. I think the key is that my parents created a wonderful, loving family so none of it is *stressful* for anyone. More than planning traditions, I would just focus on enjoying time together as a family in whatever way is most fun for you/your kids and taking time away from other real life things (school/work/even hobbies) to do so for a little week long holiday bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family has tons of traditions that we drop into and out of — sometimes we travel to see family, sometimes we don’t, presents are sometimes big and sometimes small and while we always cook a lot sometimes it’s extragent adventures (big gingerbread sculptures, Star Wars themed baked Alaska) and sometimes it’s just normal family recipes. The holidays are ALWAYS magical. I think the key is that my parents created a wonderful, loving family so none of it is *stressful* for anyone. More than planning traditions, I would just focus on enjoying time together as a family in whatever way is most fun for you/your kids and taking time away from other real life things (school/work/even hobbies) to do so for a little week long holiday bubble.

Okay, correction. There are two traditions I want to carry forward with my kids.

1. Thoughtful present opening. Only one person opens a present at a time, and we all do presents together. Also, everyone only opens a few presents a day to stretch them out for a while. (My parents started this to avoid us as toddlers being overwhelmed and melting down but I really love it even as an adult.

2. Board games on Christmas Eve. My sister’s family buys a new game to open and play Christmas Eve. This started as a compromise between my brother in law (opening one present Christmas Eve is a must!!!) and my sister (no presents until Christmas Day!!!) but it’s a lot of fun and a great way to spend family time on Christmas Eve. I’ve loved it every time I’ve spent Christmas with them.

[Anonymous]

What you say so far sounds good. I don't think you need more. Just focus on having a positive attitude and considering how your kids are experiencing all of this.

[Anonymous]

Be flexible... what is fun with toddlers is not going to work as well with tweens. Don't get locked into too many traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family has tons of traditions that we drop into and out of — sometimes we travel to see family, sometimes we don’t, presents are sometimes big and sometimes small and while we always cook a lot sometimes it’s extragent adventures (big gingerbread sculptures, Star Wars themed baked Alaska) and sometimes it’s just normal family recipes. The holidays are ALWAYS magical. I think the key is that my parents created a wonderful, loving family so none of it is *stressful* for anyone. More than planning traditions, I would just focus on enjoying time together as a family in whatever way is most fun for you/your kids and taking time away from other real life things (school/work/even hobbies) to do so for a little week long holiday bubble.

Okay, correction. There are two traditions I want to carry forward with my kids.

1. Thoughtful present opening. Only one person opens a present at a time, and we all do presents together. Also, everyone only opens a few presents a day to stretch them out for a while. (My parents started this to avoid us as toddlers being overwhelmed and melting down but I really love it even as an adult.

2. Board games on Christmas Eve. My sister’s family buys a new game to open and play Christmas Eve. This started as a compromise between my brother in law (opening one present Christmas Eve is a must!!!) and my sister (no presents until Christmas Day!!!) but it’s a lot of fun and a great way to spend family time on Christmas Eve. I’ve loved it every time I’ve spent Christmas with them.

I love the board game idea thank you for sharing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, don't build up the holidays too much or make them "magical.". It just stresses parents out and kids pick up on it.
Focus on doing stuff with your kids rather than for your kids. Making cookies with them is great, but they should help with clean up too.
Don't schedule too much, kids like to just hang out too.
Gifts are part of the season, but shouldn't be the focus. Something under the tree that they can spend the day playing with is great, it doesn't need to be anything big.

This is good advice. We do Santa, but I really try not to play it up too much, because otherwise the pressure is so immense. FOR ME.

I think having simple holidays is fine. Sometimes traditions can feel like shackles, so don't start anything too elaborate. Just things that are meaningful for YOU.