If you've had an adult child cut you off, what have friends said or done for you that helped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

Ugh. Just ugh. This is why I hate this board. You have no idea how dysfunctional families typically work. Usually one kid is singled out as the scape goat. So much ignorance, yet so many opinions.

[Anonymous]

Back to the point at hand - you like these people so just be their friends. They have a therapist working with them so you don’t need to take that on yourself. Just be their so SIL outlet. Go out. Have fun. Avoid the kid topic. You have absolutely no idea what may go on behind the scenes in the family or what happened ages ago. There could be so many reasons for the estrangement. Let the family and therapist handle that and let your friendship be a place they can find diversion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

Ugh. Just ugh. This is why I hate this board. You have no idea how dysfunctional families typically work. Usually one kid is singled out as the scape goat. So much ignorance, yet so many opinions.

Ugh yourself. I know about scapegoats very well, it’s a basic term. Why are you in such denial that a kid can be trouble without it being down to evil, scapegoating parents in every single instance?

Why are you so bent on taking agency and responsibility away from all kids? Sometimes kids make bad friends. Sometimes kids make bad decisions. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

Ugh. Just ugh. This is why I hate this board. You have no idea how dysfunctional families typically work. Usually one kid is singled out as the scape goat. So much ignorance, yet so many opinions.

You sound like a middle schooler throwing out insults and terms that are convenient to you. I hope you get help, even if that includes a therapist helping you see beyond your nose. Don’t forget a minute think, however, that you can plaster whatever you think your situation is onto absolutely everybody else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

It’s a mecca for loser adult children who want to blame their choices on their parents and project their situations (however well or imperfectly they may understand them) on their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

It’s a mecca for loser adult children who want to blame their choices on their parents and project their situations (however well or imperfectly they may understand them) on their parents.

I am a PP that you are attempting to describe, and I am more successful than my parents in every aspect. Better marriage, better parent, more professional success, richer, etc. They take this as their success as parents, even though my mother was abusive and my father was checked out. It's a recipe for perfectionism, which comes along with anxiety and depression. It's true I was fed and clothed well. The rest I fought for myself. Also, genes. Thanks for the genes? You never know how it will all play out. I AM grateful for all the gifts I got in life. I know I am lucky to have the abilities I have, but I would never wish my struggles on anyone. I was not loved or valued. I was set up many obstacles, which I continue to try to overcome in my 4th decade of life.

Anyway. No. We are not all "loser" children, but the fact that you think of children that way lets me know that you are a loser. LOSER. Bad at the jobs you've chosen for yourself. Bad at life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

It’s a mecca for loser adult children who want to blame their choices on their parents and project their situations (however well or imperfectly they may understand them) on their parents.

I am a PP that you are attempting to describe, and I am more successful than my parents in every aspect. Better marriage, better parent, more professional success, richer, etc. They take this as their success as parents, even though my mother was abusive and my father was checked out. It's a recipe for perfectionism, which comes along with anxiety and depression. It's true I was fed and clothed well. The rest I fought for myself. Also, genes. Thanks for the genes? You never know how it will all play out. I AM grateful for all the gifts I got in life. I know I am lucky to have the abilities I have, but I would never wish my struggles on anyone. I was not loved or valued. I was set up many obstacles, which I continue to try to overcome in my 4th decade of life.

Anyway. No. We are not all "loser" children, but the fact that you think of children that way lets me know that you are a loser. LOSER. Bad at the jobs you've chosen for yourself. Bad at life.

Yet here you are spewing ad hominems anonymously on a mom’s website because you thought an anonymous post was directed at you. Maybe you need to re-examine your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

It’s a mecca for loser adult children who want to blame their choices on their parents and project their situations (however well or imperfectly they may understand them) on their parents.

I am a PP that you are attempting to describe, and I am more successful than my parents in every aspect. Better marriage, better parent, more professional success, richer, etc. They take this as their success as parents, even though my mother was abusive and my father was checked out. It's a recipe for perfectionism, which comes along with anxiety and depression. It's true I was fed and clothed well. The rest I fought for myself. Also, genes. Thanks for the genes? You never know how it will all play out. I AM grateful for all the gifts I got in life. I know I am lucky to have the abilities I have, but I would never wish my struggles on anyone. I was not loved or valued. I was set up many obstacles, which I continue to try to overcome in my 4th decade of life.

Anyway. No. We are not all "loser" children, but the fact that you think of children that way lets me know that you are a loser. LOSER. Bad at the jobs you've chosen for yourself. Bad at life.

Yet here you are spewing ad hominems anonymously on a mom’s website because you thought an anonymous post was directed at you. Maybe you need to re-examine your life.

Wrong. You are too dumb to follow. The pp said the people with "adult child" perspectives on this forum are losers who want to blame their parents for their lame lives.

I am here representing the adult child perspective, and saying from experience that the insecure parents who show up on this forum are loser parents. They had one important job. They missed. Some of them had successful kids like me in spite of their "parenting"

I am really sorry you are too dumb to parent and too dumb to follow a discussion. I feel for your kids, hope they got sane/smart genes from their other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

+2

On a related note, I'm surprised Jeff has created this section on the board. It's a mecca for toxic people that now have adult children.

It’s a mecca for loser adult children who want to blame their choices on their parents and project their situations (however well or imperfectly they may understand them) on their parents.

Mecca for crappy parents who even describe their own children as "duds" - hey, that's nature/nrture, either your bad genetic material OR your bad parenting, both, probably.

[Anonymous]

OP I cut off my mother.

Please know you only know part of the story.

Plenty of great advice on this thread. But please understand you don't know what went on behind closed doors.