If you've had an adult child cut you off, what have friends said or done for you that helped?

[Anonymous]

We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

They will appreciate your good intentions whatever you say, but nothing you can say or do will help. In a lot of ways, it’s like a death and there’s a grieving process involved. While of course you’re thrilled that your child is hopefully healthy and happy out there in the world, and cling to the hope that someday a reconciliation may come about, you are deprived of the comfort of precious memories, because somewhere in the midst of what you tried to offer them (love, time, guidance, good experiences, laughter, etc.), lies the source of the rift. They’ve thrown away that shared history along with throwing you away.

I tend to think in songs, and found “I Wish You Love” meaningful (many different recordings), but I honestly can’t say if it would help or hurt your friends, or even if they would find it relevant.

Just keep being their friend so they know that other people still find them worthwhile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

I think keep spending time with them, and ask them every so often how things are going with DC. Maybe check in around holidays. I also think not gossiping about their situation is probably the kindest thing you can do.

[Anonymous]

I think checking in around holidays is a good idea. Maybe see if they’d like you to joint you in a trip sometime, especially a couples only one if your own kids are old enough or grown.

[Anonymous]

Agree with not gossiping. I would not ask them how things are going with DC. If DC has cut them off, then nothing is going. That’s a painful question with no good answer. Just spend time with them, show them you care, and maybe be careful about how much you talk about your own kids or grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not really sure what you could say other than that you're there if they want to talk, and to try not to rub your relationship with your kid or kids in their faces. Not that I think you should say anything, but although I do sometimes think people cut off relationships with their parents because of their issues, usually the parent or parents have done some things and don't want to be accountable. We are all flawed, but you are only getting one side of the story. As someone who has had multiple long periods of not speaking to my mother, it was never because I didn't try to work on things. But either way, there isn't much you can do about it. From the other angle, I find it extremely frustrating when family friends have not understood why I wasn't speaking to my mom--because they never saw the full situation.

+1

I think the holiday thing is a good idea. You don't ask about the child because it could be like poking a wound. Also, probably not best for them if you offer to be a sounding board. Therapy is the place for them to sort it out. Otherwise you just siding with them about how awful/unfair/self-centered/hurtful their child is will not help heal a rift and might draw it farther apart. A therapist can support them and give healthy suggestions if they do try to reach out and repair things. You can uplift them by being a distraction. To really process what happened and move forward they need a trained professional.

[Anonymous]

One thing NOT to do is wax enthusiastically about your own kids coming home for holidays, the trip you're all planning together and so forth. Not saying you're doing that, OP, but watching what you say around them in regards to what you're doing as a family.

If possible plan some couples' dinners out, that kind of thing. Let them talk about their daughter if they want, but don't press for details if they don't wish to share.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing NOT to do is wax enthusiastically about your own kids coming home for holidays, the trip you're all planning together and so forth. Not saying you're doing that, OP, but watching what you say around them in regards to what you're doing as a family.

If possible plan some couples' dinners out, that kind of thing. Let them talk about their daughter if they want, but don't press for details if they don't wish to share.

THIS!

Helpful:
Have safe topics
Talk about things you know are pleasant for them
Do fun things with thm
Invite them for the holidays
If they confide in them: validate their feelings, but do not join in any bashing or criticism of their adult children. You could share how helpful therapy was for you when you struggled with your kids or for a friend of yours if it's true. You want them to to learn coping skills and possibly strategies to relate better from a trained clinician so don't be the therapist. A friend listens. A therapist teaches useful skills.

Not Helpful:
Asking about their kids
Giving advice (you don't know both sides)
Criticizing the adult children when again you don't know both sides
Talking about your wonderful relationship with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One thing NOT to do is wax enthusiastically about your own kids coming home for holidays, the trip you're all planning together and so forth. Not saying you're doing that, OP, but watching what you say around them in regards to what you're doing as a family.

If possible plan some couples' dinners out, that kind of thing. Let them talk about their daughter if they want, but don't press for details if they don't wish to share.

THIS!

Helpful:
Have safe topics
Talk about things you know are pleasant for them
Do fun things with thm
Invite them for the holidays
If they confide in them: validate their feelings, but do not join in any bashing or criticism of their adult children. You could share how helpful therapy was for you when you struggled with your kids or for a friend of yours if it's true. You want them to to learn coping skills and possibly strategies to relate better from a trained clinician so don't be the therapist. A friend listens. A therapist teaches useful skills.

Not Helpful:
Asking about their kids
Giving advice (you don't know both sides)
Criticizing the adult children when again you don't know both sides
Talking about your wonderful relationship with your kids.

This is excellent advice.

And I totally empathize with the poster who reminded all of us that you are only hearing one side of the story. I want nothing more than to have a close relationship with my mother but she always prefers whatever husband she is married to. Until she divorces that one. She doesn’t have any room in her life to take care of her children, she is 100% devoted to her man until she isn’t. But I know the way she talks about motherhood to her friends, you would swear she is mother Theresa and she has them all fooled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

They will appreciate your good intentions whatever you say, but nothing you can say or do will help. In a lot of ways, it’s like a death and there’s a grieving process involved...cling to the hope that someday a reconciliation may come about...

1st is friends and family learn of the rift. Friends and relatives do best when just accepting the rift and not asking questions or offering advice. I'm a riftee in a general rift [no major cause] and it is a grieving process. One rift we know of was because of a huge negative reaction - disapproval on a marriage.

Some families have parents of adults who do or allow some lousy stuff and there is no major rift. My love for the adult DC riftor basically outweighs my grief - imagine myself in an alternate universe where I get to participate in outings, trips, holidays etc with the riftor. Thanksgiving? Christmas? No exposure to the riftor - Fact is most non riftees and riftor will be around long after I'm dead [parent of adult]. So for major life events of the riftor I expect no participation for me including anything if there's a wedding. It's just a fact-like if I'm a deceased relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

They will appreciate your good intentions whatever you say, but nothing you can say or do will help. In a lot of ways, it’s like a death and there’s a grieving process involved...cling to the hope that someday a reconciliation may come about...

1st is friends and family learn of the rift. Friends and relatives do best when just accepting the rift and not asking questions or offering advice. I'm a riftee in a general rift [no major cause] and it is a grieving process. One rift we know of was because of a huge negative reaction - disapproval on a marriage.

Some families have parents of adults who do or allow some lousy stuff and there is no major rift. My love for the adult DC riftor basically outweighs my grief - imagine myself in an alternate universe where I get to participate in outings, trips, holidays etc with the riftor. Thanksgiving? Christmas? No exposure to the riftor - Fact is most non riftees and riftor will be around long after I'm dead [parent of adult]. So for major life events of the riftor I expect no participation for me including anything if there's a wedding. It's just a fact-like if I'm a deceased relative.

I clicked on this thread because it recently happened to a friend of mine and she asked for advice of where to turn. This entire take is so smart on your part. You can love whoever you want to. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.