If you've had an adult child cut you off, what have friends said or done for you that helped?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- There's a lot of good advice here -- thanks. To those who have offered advice based on their own experience of being estranged -- either as a parent or a child -- I wish you peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

My MIL has a relative and a formerly close family friend who have cut all ties with her. Sorry to say that I have to add my adult DD to this list, too.

For DD, MIL said several insulting, insensitive things to DD and refused to apologize when confronted by DD. I do t think their relationship will ever recover.

I don’t manage my adult DD’s relationships, period. It’s awkward sometimes but I try to remain as neutral as possible.

MIL is a passive aggressive, vapid, judgmental and overly critical person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

My MIL has a relative and a formerly close family friend who have cut all ties with her. Sorry to say that I have to add my adult DD to this list, too.

For DD, MIL said several insulting, insensitive things to DD and refused to apologize when confronted by DD. I do t think their relationship will ever recover.

I don’t manage my adult DD’s relationships, period. It’s awkward sometimes but I try to remain as neutral as possible.

MIL is a passive aggressive, vapid, judgmental and overly critical person.

Those are good reasons not to like her. Not good reasons to cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have friends whose adult DC has cut them off. They are confused and devastated and are in therapy. They've been good parents, though flawed as we all are. What can DH and I say or do to help?

There is nothing to say. Take their lead. If they want to talk, listen. But, don't probe too much as it can be painful when they don't have the answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

It is really, really common in abusive households to single out one kid for the abuse. Sometimes they go for the most vulnerable and least connected because it's easiest to make them feel crazy and afraid to share. It doesn't matter who is the problem. Leave it to the professionals to give suggestions and stick to staying neutral but supporting the feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

My MIL has a relative and a formerly close family friend who have cut all ties with her. Sorry to say that I have to add my adult DD to this list, too.

For DD, MIL said several insulting, insensitive things to DD and refused to apologize when confronted by DD. I do t think their relationship will ever recover.

I don’t manage my adult DD’s relationships, period. It’s awkward sometimes but I try to remain as neutral as possible.

MIL is a passive aggressive, vapid, judgmental and overly critical person.

Those are good reasons not to like her. Not good reasons to cut her off.

DP. Life is too short for having irredeemable people in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

1) different children have different experiences in the same family
2) it is in interest of the human body and mind to deny mistreatment and pledge allegiance to parents
3) if a child gets to the point of being able to voice against parents, that is an accomplishment all by itself, and means that the child/person is fighting for their self and survival
4) your friend might be wrong about her dad, but she is traumatized somehow anyway
5) it is always the parents fault. I am serious, not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

My MIL has a relative and a formerly close family friend who have cut all ties with her. Sorry to say that I have to add my adult DD to this list, too.

For DD, MIL said several insulting, insensitive things to DD and refused to apologize when confronted by DD. I do t think their relationship will ever recover.

I don’t manage my adult DD’s relationships, period. It’s awkward sometimes but I try to remain as neutral as possible.

MIL is a passive aggressive, vapid, judgmental and overly critical person.

Those are good reasons not to like her. Not good reasons to cut her off.

You are impressively incorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

Not necessarily. Some people are self-absorbed whiners who blame their parents and others for things they shouldn't.

I'm in neither the parent or the adult kid category here - just observing people and their complaints.

So this is exactly what not to say to to a friend who has been cut off because it dehumanizes the adult child.things are usually far more complex than the poor victim and the sefish brat regardless of whether the parent cuts contact or the adult child. Stick to allowing them to express feelings. Any judgement of the person who was cut off or the person who did the cutting does not help.

DP. You missed the “not necessarily” part to jump on parents again. PP is simply saying that sometimes—certainly not always!—the kid is the problem. I’ve spent years listening to a (difficult) friend complain about her dad for recovered memories when apparently none of the other siblings agrees and they all seem to love the dad. Sometimes the kid really is the problem. Keep an open mind.

The circumstance I consider that "the kid is the problem" is that the kid is a born psychopath. BUT even when the kid is a born psychopath he might grow up to be a law abiding brain doctor:

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-neuroscientist-who-discovered-he-was-a-psychopath-180947814/

Or he might grow up to be Dahmer and nurture might explain that.

Plenty of people are everyday terrors -- NPD, BPD. Psychologists believe those personality disorders come from trauma. Trauma inflicted by parents, for the huge 90%-plus part. Other trauma is possible, but more likely occuring alongside.

Most of the evil in this world is caused by crappy parenting.

[Anonymous]

For any new friends who might meet my mother,

She may never tell you she has a daughter who does not speak to her. She will brag about the accomplishments of her other kids. She will appear attractive and even seem emotionally intuitive.

I will warn you to stand guard. She probably likes you because she sees you as inferior, and she likes to feel superior. Also, guard your husband. She might be getting close to you so she can prove how irresistible she is by drawing him. Even if she does not want him. She will do it just for the drama.

But she just wants to be loved!! Will no one love her? Ah, this proves once again that no one will love her, even though she absolutely did nothing wrong, and is perfect. She hates the thought of the child estranged, always a difficult one-- she will never mention it, might serve to suggest she is imperfect, which is what she has been striving to cover, by appearances and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For any new friends who might meet my mother,

She may never tell you she has a daughter who does not speak to her. She will brag about the accomplishments of her other kids. She will appear attractive and even seem emotionally intuitive.

I will warn you to stand guard. She probably likes you because she sees you as inferior, and she likes to feel superior. Also, guard your husband. She might be getting close to you so she can prove how irresistible she is by drawing him. Even if she does not want him. She will do it just for the drama.

But she just wants to be loved!! Will no one love her? Ah, this proves once again that no one will love her, even though she absolutely did nothing wrong, and is perfect. She hates the thought of the child estranged, always a difficult one-- she will never mention it, might serve to suggest she is imperfect, which is what she has been striving to cover, by appearances and abuse.

One more note: she may make you into a servant. You may find yourself doing work for her (watching kids, free dog sitting free house sitting, gardening, etc). Now she doesn't respect you at all! She will keep you as long as you are useful though. Please, she is not that fascinating, stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure I'd want friends whose adult children cut them off. There's always a big reason why they are cut off and that speaks volumes to me about the type of people they are.

My MIL has a relative and a formerly close family friend who have cut all ties with her. Sorry to say that I have to add my adult DD to this list, too.

For DD, MIL said several insulting, insensitive things to DD and refused to apologize when confronted by DD. I do t think their relationship will ever recover.

I don’t manage my adult DD’s relationships, period. It’s awkward sometimes but I try to remain as neutral as possible.

MIL is a passive aggressive, vapid, judgmental and overly critical person.

I don’t see how either of these posts are helpful to OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For any new friends who might meet my mother,

She may never tell you she has a daughter who does not speak to her. She will brag about the accomplishments of her other kids. She will appear attractive and even seem emotionally intuitive.

I will warn you to stand guard. She probably likes you because she sees you as inferior, and she likes to feel superior. Also, guard your husband. She might be getting close to you so she can prove how irresistible she is by drawing him. Even if she does not want him. She will do it just for the drama.

But she just wants to be loved!! Will no one love her? Ah, this proves once again that no one will love her, even though she absolutely did nothing wrong, and is perfect. She hates the thought of the child estranged, always a difficult one-- she will never mention it, might serve to suggest she is imperfect, which is what she has been striving to cover, by appearances and abuse.

Another unhelpful post with pps venting about their own relatives.