If you are estranged from your mom, do you have someone who acts as a kind of stand in?

[Anonymous]

OP: I am sorry you are going through this. I am 66 years old and my mother is still alive. She is evil. People do not understand how painful this is. It’s not something that we talk about because it is loaded with everything from pain to shame.
I am reading I’m Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy. Its a best seller. Says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Hi, Toxic Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

This is just evil.

Oh, go away. You’re embarrassing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

Why are you estranged and was it your decision?

None of your damn business, nasty old woman.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you have a good friend from childhood whose mother you knew pretty well? As a mom, I feel close to my children's friends who I have known for years. If one of them was estranged from their mom/parents, I'd happily include them in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also estranged and have no stand-in. My mother was never a good mom to me and I don't know what it's like to have one so maybe that's why I've never sought one out. Also likely due to the abuse she put me through so I feel like I don't deserve one sub-consciously.

This sums up me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

This is just evil.

Np. It's not evil. You think people who are abused should just shut up and put up with it. We've all seen how that works out.

My guess is you're a bitter, nasty person and I'd bet you have been cut off or are on the verge of it.

Take your "respect your elders" crap and stuff it.

Wow, look who's bitter and nasty.

NP. Don't be obtuse. The evil comment was rude and uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been estranged from my alcoholic mom since I was in college and we were never very close when I was growing up. (If you know an addict, you know what it's like to try to have a relationship with them). I got married, had kids (two daughters), and went through a lot of other life events with having a mom present in my life. I hear people say things like "no one loves you like a mom" and I guess I just don't relate. I don't feel like I have something big missing from my life because I honestly don't know what I'm missing, if that makes sense. I'm close with my own kids, and I treasure my relationship as their mom, so I know what it feels like to BE a mom, but not really to have one. I'm an only child and I've just filled my life with people I love who love me so I know what it's like to be loved and that has to be good enough because it is what it is. So no, I don't really have a specific stand in. I look forward to being there for my daughters when/if they get married and have kids, and I guess I figure that's what I was given in this life - the chance to be on that side of the equation. Some people get neither, others get one, and some are really lucky and get both but I have enough great things in my life that I just try to focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been estranged from my alcoholic mom since I was in college and we were never very close when I was growing up. (If you know an addict, you know what it's like to try to have a relationship with them). I got married, had kids (two daughters), and went through a lot of other life events with having a mom present in my life. I hear people say things like "no one loves you like a mom" and I guess I just don't relate. I don't feel like I have something big missing from my life because I honestly don't know what I'm missing, if that makes sense. I'm close with my own kids, and I treasure my relationship as their mom, so I know what it feels like to BE a mom, but not really to have one. I'm an only child and I've just filled my life with people I love who love me so I know what it's like to be loved and that has to be good enough because it is what it is. So no, I don't really have a specific stand in. I look forward to being there for my daughters when/if they get married and have kids, and I guess I figure that's what I was given in this life - the chance to be on that side of the equation. Some people get neither, others get one, and some are really lucky and get both but I have enough great things in my life that I just try to focus on that.

Op here. Thank you for this perspective. I have gone months, maybe even a year or two at a time, before with your same attitude. I don’t know why this strong yearning for my own mom just never seems to go away for good. I know I have to just live with it on some level but it’s so hard. On some level I think deep down part of me holds onto the absurd hope that she will change and come looking for me. I’m 38 years old and have my own children now, this just seems so absurd to be thinking.

The people I’ve tried to fill the void with are lovely, but they aren’t my mom. I guess I idealize her in a way that’s unhealthy. I’ve tried therapy and it helps at the time, and maybe for a couple days after, but I always seem to end up in this place.

I swear I’m otherwise a very logical, practical person!