Reply to If you are estranged from your mom, do you have someone who acts as a kind of stand in?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I've been estranged from my alcoholic mom since I was in college and we were never very close when I was growing up. (If you know an addict, you know what it's like to try to have a relationship with them). I got married, had kids (two daughters), and went through a lot of other life events with having a mom present in my life. I hear people say things like "no one loves you like a mom" and I guess I just don't relate. I don't feel like I have something big missing from my life because I honestly don't know what I'm missing, if that makes sense. I'm close with my own kids, and I treasure my relationship as their mom, so I know what it feels like to BE a mom, but not really to have one. I'm an only child and I've just filled my life with people I love who love me so I know what it's like to be loved and that has to be good enough because it is what it is. So no, I don't really have a specific stand in. I look forward to being there for my daughters when/if they get married and have kids, and I guess I figure that's what I was given in this life - the chance to be on that side of the equation. Some people get neither, others get one, and some are really lucky and get both but I have enough great things in my life that I just try to focus on that. [/quote]

Op here. Thank you for this perspective. I have gone months, maybe even a year or two at a time,  before with your same attitude. I don’t know why this strong yearning for my own mom just never seems to go away for good. I know I have to just live with it on some level but it’s so hard. On some level I think deep down part of me holds onto the absurd hope that she will change and come looking for me. I’m 38 years old and have my own children now, this just seems so absurd to be thinking.

The people I’ve tried to fill the void with are lovely, but they aren’t my mom. I guess I idealize her in a way that’s unhealthy. I’ve tried therapy and it helps at the time, and maybe for a couple days after, but I always seem to end up in this place.

I swear I’m otherwise a very logical, practical person![/quote]

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