If you are estranged from your mom, do you have someone who acts as a kind of stand in?

[Anonymous]

My mom has never met my children, ages 3 and 6.

We have had 2 long term nannies who have become like family to us. They are both close to me in age so they aren’t exactly mother figures, but they have watched my children grow up and they love them deeply.

I am so so thankful for these women, but I still feel so much yearning for my own mother.

I am taking DS on a plane trip several states away to visit the nanny who cared for him from birth until we moved away when he was 4. While I love seeing the love between him and his nanny, I just wish so much that I could have had a nice mom.

I have no sisters or aunts, and my grandmothers are dead so the Nanny’s are the closest proxy to family. This upcoming trip is just highlighting for me how sad I feel, even though I am grateful for how loved my children have been by these wonderful women.

Has anyone else been through this? When will it get better? I feel like I’ve had periods where I was mostly ok and this upcoming trip has me really down.

[Anonymous]

Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

[Anonymous]

No. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom. MY mom. Not some other lady who's old enough to be my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom. MY mom. Not some other lady who's old enough to be my mom.

Op here. YES!! SO TRUE! I hate when people say I’m yearning for the mom I never had. It’s more like I’m yearning for the best parts of my mom.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was a mom to me. I loved her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

She's mad you cut her off?

[Anonymous]

My mom and I are distant although not 100% estranged, and my MIL died when my children were very small. The person who has been there for my kids 100% of the time, from the very beginning, is my husband's grandfather. Other people too, DH has a wonderful family. But so many of those "grandma things" were from their great-grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

She's mad you cut her off?

Op here. She cut me off before I even had children, I thought the kids might bring her back into the fold, they didn’t.

This isn’t a thread about whether or not to be estranged. We are estranged and have been for nearly a decade.

[Anonymous]

I would not want a substitute mom, but finding a substitute grandparent(s) for the kids would be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe being estranged isn't all you thought it would be. Contacting her might solve some of your problems.

Op here. I have. She sent the pictures i sent of my newborn back along with a hateful missive. There are other reasons we can’t be in touch but I have reached out to her, directly and via my brothers.

She's mad you cut her off?

Op here. She cut me off before I even had children, I thought the kids might bring her back into the fold, they didn’t.

This isn’t a thread about whether or not to be estranged. We are estranged and have been for nearly a decade.

OK, fair enough. PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. I wish I had a good relationship with my mom. MY mom. Not some other lady who's old enough to be my mom.

Op here. YES!! SO TRUE! I hate when people say I’m yearning for the mom I never had. It’s more like I’m yearning for the best parts of my mom.

I'm a very practical sort. So I accepted that I couldn't be close with her, and I try to be better to the children in my life than she was to me. When my niece called me hysterically this weekend about problems she was having that I've never dealt with I did not say to her (as my mom said to me) "Well, I don't know what to tell you; I never would have gotten in that situation." That just left me feeling alone AND shamed for whatever pickle I'd gotten myself into. I said things like "That sounds horrible, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. This isn't the way you wanted this to go at ALL! But I'm proud of you for trying because a year ago you weren't at this point, so this counts as progress."

[Anonymous]

Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

[Anonymous]

OP I am over sixty I should have cut her off when I left home at 17 huge mistake

I cut her off at around age 55 and best decision ever and no I don’t have a person. However I’m finally at peace

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my aunt (my mother’s SIL), who has not spoken to her in decades. She knows how my mother can be. It’s such a comfort.

This is just evil.