Push your teen if you don’t want them to feel like failures

[Anonymous]

This again?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1067220.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This again?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1067220.page

Why start the day being so snotty? I'm the immediate PP and did a search on "motivation" in this sub-forum and this thread was the first to come up. It was recent, so I posted.

Geez. Go get another cup of coffee and work on that old adage. If you can't say something nice...

[Anonymous]

My child is self motivated. But she also knows she is enough and has my unconditional love

[Anonymous]

The OP has never parented a teem with mental health concerns. And no, the mental health concerns did not come from pushing, or not pushing. Mine in particular is one of three. Pushing (perceived at that) caused them to sink, not rise. I can spell really bad outcomes, from relationships with parents to self-esteem issues. And those are the least destructive. Whoever said no one can provide guidance on raising a teen who is not theirs is right. It's about supporting, not pushing, and it has to be calibrated to the individual. That said, I also think OP's goal was to stir up trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're incorrect. The kids who's parents pushed them to study harder, practice more, work harder, etc know that they are nothing except their parents work.
The kids who self motivate are the only ones who gain self esteem from harder work

Agree. If you push a kid and they don't live up to your artificially set standards, they feel like failures, and in the process have never learned to set their own goals, motiviation and feel pride in themselves -- only relief at not disappointing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is long and measured by so many yardsticks. In the end, fulfillment is all that matters, as well as personal relationships. "Pushing" is shallow, striver-ish, and short-term. Acquaint yourself with the Harvard study on happiness for takeaways, none of which have to do with being pushed by parents. Consider why it's necessary to push.

Then Harvard should accept more happy people and less high achievers.

High achievers who weren't pushed by insecure parents are happy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only message you’re sending your kid by not pushing them is that you don’t believe in them. In an age when they need reassurance and someone to believe in them, you don’t encourage them, and basically say there is nothing I can do for you.

I am not taking advice from a random stranger.

[Anonymous]

Tell me you don’t know how to raise happy successful people without saying..

[Anonymous]

People, kid or adult, are driven by two things:  1- money and 2-beauty. 

A child needs an incentive to work hard and push him/herself.  Nobody is going to work hard for the same compensation as someone who is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, kid or adult, are driven by two things:  1- money and 2-beauty. 

A child needs an incentive to work hard and push him/herself.  Nobody is going to work hard for the same compensation as someone who is not.

Um, people are driven by more than those two things.

[Anonymous]

eh.. I think OP maybe didn't explain it right.

My 17 yr old DC once told me to push them more, that they needed it because even though they knew how important it was to do abc, and want to do xyz, they are often lazy and need accountability and pushing.

I got annoyed with DC when they said that because I reminded DC how much they fight me on it when I push, but then DC told me to just ignore that behavior because they are kids, and of course they are going to push back and whine.

It's kind of like when teens fight against restrictions but at the same time they need boundaries.

That said, I'm not a tiger parent. There is a limit to what I push for. Part of the challenge of parenting, IMO, is walking a fine line between pushing too hard and coddling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reviving this thread to ask you parents of teens how you helped them develop that self-motivation and executive functioning. I have a tween caught in a vicious cycle. Very high expectations for herself, but the day-to-day grind of studying or preparing for a test or sporting event is lacking because (let's face it) homework or practice isn't "fun". Result is she then sometimes falls short, e.g. with a bad test grade and is a hot mess of tears and sense of failure.

We keep trying to teach that a goal without a plan is just a wish, and to succeed the way she wants means those daily steps. We've tried to leave it up to her, but I don't think the executive functioning is there yet to be as organized and have the time management needed. We've tried to force it, restricting screen time and setting timers for her to sit down and do practice math problems or what have you. We've tried to remind her how good it feels when she does succeed and that she knows it takes the daily work.

What worked to develop that internal motivation that understands that to get to the finish line you have to do the work?

Praise effort, not results. Also, in middle school we went through a period of about 3 months when we gave up on letting him be self directed and sat him down at the table and made him finish homework. Similarly made him retake tests and quizzes if he got less than a C. I think the motivation was to avoid us micromanaging him rather than doing well. But it got him realizing the link between putting in the work and improving grades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, kid or adult, are driven by two things:  1- money and 2-beauty. 

A child needs an incentive to work hard and push him/herself.  Nobody is going to work hard for the same compensation as someone who is not.

Power and greed.

Is the answer to any essay question in literature or history class for all of mankind’s time in earth.

You’re welcome. Learned this in church school actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reviving this thread to ask you parents of teens how you helped them develop that self-motivation and executive functioning. I have a tween caught in a vicious cycle. Very high expectations for herself, but the day-to-day grind of studying or preparing for a test or sporting event is lacking because (let's face it) homework or practice isn't "fun". Result is she then sometimes falls short, e.g. with a bad test grade and is a hot mess of tears and sense of failure.

We keep trying to teach that a goal without a plan is just a wish, and to succeed the way she wants means those daily steps. We've tried to leave it up to her, but I don't think the executive functioning is there yet to be as organized and have the time management needed. We've tried to force it, restricting screen time and setting timers for her to sit down and do practice math problems or what have you. We've tried to remind her how good it feels when she does succeed and that she knows it takes the daily work.

What worked to develop that internal motivation that understands that to get to the finish line you have to do the work?

Praise effort, not results. Also, in middle school we went through a period of about 3 months when we gave up on letting him be self directed and sat him down at the table and made him finish homework. Similarly made him retake tests and quizzes if he got less than a C. I think the motivation was to avoid us micromanaging him rather than doing well. But it got him realizing the link between putting in the work and improving grades.

For both my Neurotypical and my neuroatypical child, praising effort or hard work did nothing. It didn’t result in them pushing themselves and it didn’t result in them not giving up. It resulted in nothing.

But incentives and praise and first place medals and actual recognition awards from teachers, resulted in better training, effort and results. And now is a good habit of both of them.

Consequences worked too- especially at horseback riding camp. Don’t take care of your horse, no riding. Don’t dress right for the farm, no riding. Don’t remember what to do, think about it offline, no riding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People, kid or adult, are driven by two things:  1- money and 2-beauty. 

A child needs an incentive to work hard and push him/herself.  Nobody is going to work hard for the same compensation as someone who is not.

You live in a sad small world