Push your teen if you don’t want them to feel like failures

[Anonymous]

The only message you’re sending your kid by not pushing them is that you don’t believe in them. In an age when they need reassurance and someone to believe in them, you don’t encourage them, and basically say there is nothing I can do for you.

[Anonymous]

Push them to do what?

[Anonymous]

I'll amend OP's point by adding: "tailored to their potential."

I have a child with disabilities, and another child who is highly functional, and I am keenly aware of how much each of them can take on. There's no point pushing them beyond that, since they will start failing massively and hate you for it. For each of your children, you have to find the sweet spot of satisfaction and achievement within the limits of their capabilities and tolerance to stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'll amend OP's point by adding: "tailored to their potential."

I have a child with disabilities, and another child who is highly functional, and I am keenly aware of how much each of them can take on. There's no point pushing them beyond that, since they will start failing massively and hate you for it. For each of your children, you have to find the sweet spot of satisfaction and achievement within the limits of their capabilities and tolerance to stress.

Op here. Yes! Agreed!

[Anonymous]

You're incorrect. The kids who's parents pushed them to study harder, practice more, work harder, etc know that they are nothing except their parents work.
The kids who self motivate are the only ones who gain self esteem from harder work

[Anonymous]

It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

+1. This.

[Anonymous]

OP- didn’t you start a thread like this last month?

[Anonymous]

No. You teach them to push themselves. Once they reach high school, it's up to them. I am here in the background, ready to assist. But finding the motivation to go to school, to listen, and to the do work and ace tests is on you, not me. I already did high school, and I did well because those things. Now it's your turn. I am not pushing you uphill for four years like a boulder.

That is the mesasge you send.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

+1. This.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is WAY more complicated than that. You don't push. You build internal motivation. And that is so much harder than "pushing." It includes letting them fail. Often. Which I think is anathema in the "push your kid" crowd.

+1

Some kids are have copious amounts of internal motivation and don’t need pushing. They may crave praise but some kids push themselves enough without needing someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Ha! For one of my kids, if I push her to do something, she typically will do the opposite. All her motivation to do something exits her body. What she needs to hear is "you have come so far, you are just fine no matter what you achieve, I am so proud of you."

This is in part because she is absolutely brilliant and so talented, and when somebody sees this, they say things like "you have so much potential, you can go so far, if you work hard someday you will become something great." That is a lot of pressure and can get overwhelming for her. From me, her mom, she needs something different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For one of my kids, if I push her to do something, she typically will do the opposite. All her motivation to do something exits her body. What she needs to hear is "you have come so far, you are just fine no matter what you achieve, I am so proud of you."

This is in part because she is absolutely brilliant and so talented, and when somebody sees this, they say things like "you have so much potential, you can go so far, if you work hard someday you will become something great." That is a lot of pressure and can get overwhelming for her. From me, her mom, she needs something different.

What about your other kid?

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who has "pushed" her daughter to excel on the international level. The daughter is an absolute mess of anxiety and low self esteem.
Sit down and learn how to realize your own failures are in the past. Your child isn't a do over opportunity.
We all support and encourage our children. We don't have to be tiger moms to feel good about ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha! For one of my kids, if I push her to do something, she typically will do the opposite. All her motivation to do something exits her body. What she needs to hear is "you have come so far, you are just fine no matter what you achieve, I am so proud of you."

This is in part because she is absolutely brilliant and so talented, and when somebody sees this, they say things like "you have so much potential, you can go so far, if you work hard someday you will become something great." That is a lot of pressure and can get overwhelming for her. From me, her mom, she needs something different.

Yep. This is my son. But, encouragement from a tutor, particularly a young man, got him to see that he had great potential if he put in the work.

On the flip side, my daughter has great internal motivation that slams up against the challenges of her inattentive ADHD so what she needs to hear is that she's doing great and it's ok if she doesn't take on the 5+ AP schedules that some of her peers do.