MIL bad mouthing me to my spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

I'm confused - is the mother of the step siblings the MIL you're talking about?

My MIL is the step mother of my spouse's step siblings (adults). For whatever reason she loses it if her own child ever says anything negative about them (talking weeks and even months of silent treatment to my spouse in the past). This is an aside, just noting MIL's hypocrisy when it comes to criticism.

Yet you yourself aren’t acknowledging any of the critiques of your response on this thread.

I've been listening and I guess will let it go. I don't think it's crazy to be upset about my MIL consistently talking behind my back. I actually thought we had a really nice visit over the holiday weekend so was hurt to hear she still needed to criticize me. But yeah, I guess I really just need to have my spouse stop telling me about it and accept that their defense was good enough, and hope I just don't hear about it again.

That’s a good plan. Of course your MIL shouldn’t be saying negative things, but this post is about your husband. So long as he is pushing back on the comments, let him choose the method and ask him to keep it to himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

My spouse has told me. As I said above, I'm going to just let it go. I still think it's inappropriate for my MIL to be bad mouthing me to my spouse, like she's trying to create a wedge between us. My mother and I never speak poorly about my spouse. Do I need to worry about her bad mouthing me to my child, undermining my parenting, when she watches my them?

Comments about your being uptight don’t warrant this type of worry.

[Anonymous]

I'd be looking long and hard as to the reasons your spouse needed to relay this information to you. It sounds as though he agrees with his mom and was willing to throw her under the bus in order to let you know.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t worry about your mother-in-law. These issues will fade in time. If though it is an issue with your spouse, that is worth following up on.

[Anonymous]

Look, he's standing up for you. He's better than 90% of DCUM husbands if he's actually standing up for you. Focus on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

My spouse has told me. As I said above, I'm going to just let it go. I still think it's inappropriate for my MIL to be bad mouthing me to my spouse, like she's trying to create a wedge between us. My mother and I never speak poorly about my spouse. Do I need to worry about her bad mouthing me to my child, undermining my parenting, when she watches my them?

OP, I hear ya, I'm right there with ya, I guess we are the uptight ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

My spouse has told me. As I said above, I'm going to just let it go. I still think it's inappropriate for my MIL to be bad mouthing me to my spouse, like she's trying to create a wedge between us. My mother and I never speak poorly about my spouse. Do I need to worry about her bad mouthing me to my child, undermining my parenting, when she watches my them?

OP, I hear ya, I'm right there with ya, I guess we are the uptight ones.

It’s not uptight to think that or to feel that, at all. I agree with you that it’s inappropriate for MIL to behave that way.

It IS uptight to not understand that you can’t control other people’s behavior, and to expect to control the precise caliber of DH’s response when—big picture—DH is on your side and is sticking up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

My spouse has told me. As I said above, I'm going to just let it go. I still think it's inappropriate for my MIL to be bad mouthing me to my spouse, like she's trying to create a wedge between us. My mother and I never speak poorly about my spouse. Do I need to worry about her bad mouthing me to my child, undermining my parenting, when she watches my them?

This is your fear. But is she really doing this or just trying to chat with her son about something they have in common - you. You're putting a LOT of weight on her words, where she may be just chatting idly to fill the air. Reduce the value you place on her words. Ease up on your DH. He loves his Mom too. You are putting a wedge into their relationship by directing how he can speak to her. Don't do this.

[Anonymous]

I would reiterate to your spouse that you don’t want to hear whatever negative things MIL has to say about you; that it makes it difficult to have a positive relationship with her.

I personally don’t think this should be a point of continued conversations between them. He should shut it down without a long defense or convo about it. If he is unwilling to do this, though, he can at least choose not to share these conversations with you which do not accomplish anything but create a divide between you and MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would reiterate to your spouse that you don’t want to hear whatever negative things MIL has to say about you; that it makes it difficult to have a positive relationship with her.

I personally don’t think this should be a point of continued conversations between them. He should shut it down without a long defense or convo about it. If he is unwilling to do this, though, he can at least choose not to share these conversations with you which do not accomplish anything but create a divide between you and MIL.

Exactly this. DH is the bigger problem here. He knows how sensitive his wife is, and he brings home juicy tidbits about his mother's off the cuff comments to stir the pot. It's very unkind on his part. OP, is he known for stirring the pot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reiterate to your spouse that you don’t want to hear whatever negative things MIL has to say about you; that it makes it difficult to have a positive relationship with her.

I personally don’t think this should be a point of continued conversations between them. He should shut it down without a long defense or convo about it. If he is unwilling to do this, though, he can at least choose not to share these conversations with you which do not accomplish anything but create a divide between you and MIL.

Exactly this. DH is the bigger problem here. He knows how sensitive his wife is, and he brings home juicy tidbits about his mother's off the cuff comments to stir the pot. It's very unkind on his part. OP, is he known for stirring the pot?

+1. Why on earth would he share this info unless he is looking to cause drama?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know your MIL is bad mouthing you and what your DH is saying?

My spouse has told me. (I also don’t understand why, it’s not constructive)

That's a different conversation to have with your spouse. "Joe, I appreciate this is a stressful situation for you, but I don't think I am the best sounding board for these conversations. She is your mother and I want to have a constructive relationship with her, but that is impossible when I am constantly hearing about all of the awful things she says about me. If you are looking for an opening to stop having a relationship with her, let's talk about that, but otherwise I think it's best that you not tell me about these conversations because they only poison my relationship with her further."

Post like this are so friggin annoying. You don't have to write an entire script for OP to to read to her husband. Just say: your husband's an idiot for telling you and you should tell him that.

DP. I thought pp’s script was perfect. Too bad you never learned to communicate without insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would reiterate to your spouse that you don’t want to hear whatever negative things MIL has to say about you; that it makes it difficult to have a positive relationship with her.

I personally don’t think this should be a point of continued conversations between them. He should shut it down without a long defense or convo about it. If he is unwilling to do this, though, he can at least choose not to share these conversations with you which do not accomplish anything but create a divide between you and MIL.

Exactly this. DH is the bigger problem here. He knows how sensitive his wife is, and he brings home juicy tidbits about his mother's off the cuff comments to stir the pot. It's very unkind on his part. OP, is he known for stirring the pot?

+1. Why on earth would he share this info unless he is looking to cause drama?

Probably what he was used to doing (triangulation) growing up with a mom who complained to him instead of dad.