MIL bad mouthing me to my spouse

[Anonymous]

I recently learned that my MIL likes to talk to my spouse about how up tight I am. I think it’s bc I try to maintain boundaries and don’t say yes to every last minute visit request (though we do still see her plenty). And apparently my spouse argues with her about whether or not I’m up tight, rather than just shutting down the negative talk. I’m not wrong to be upset about this right? Feels totally inappropriate that my MIL seems to be trying to make a wedge between me and my spouse w the bad talking and I’m upset my spouse apparently lets her go on wo shutting it down.

[Anonymous]

So he’s trying to shut it down, but that’s not good enough for you? He can’t control her. What exactly do you want him to do that he’s not already doing. And don’t say “Shut it down.” Be specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he’s trying to shut it down, but that’s not good enough for you? He can’t control her. What exactly do you want him to do that he’s not already doing. And don’t say “Shut it down.” Be specific.

“Please don’t talk about my spouse” and move on to another topic or end the conversation altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So he’s trying to shut it down, but that’s not good enough for you? He can’t control her. What exactly do you want him to do that he’s not already doing. And don’t say “Shut it down.” Be specific.

“Please don’t talk about my spouse” and move on to another topic or end the conversation altogether.

Then tell him that. Note that it may not be easy for him as he has a lifelong relationship with her complete with communication habits and dynamics that are not easily undone. It’s very normal to be rational and clear with others, but then revert to a teenager when with family.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are being a bit controlling here. When your MIL talks shit about you, your husband has your back and that’s what you need in a marriage. Yes, it may be more effective to just end the conversation than argue with her, but how exactly to respond is his decision, not yours, because it’s his relationship with his mother. The important thing is that he’s on your side.

[Anonymous]

You DO sound uptight to be honest - you want to micromanage how your spouse defends you to his mom.

[Anonymous]

How do you know your MIL is bad mouthing you and what your DH is saying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know your MIL is bad mouthing you and what your DH is saying?

My spouse has told me. (I also don’t understand why, it’s not constructive)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that my MIL likes to talk to my spouse about how up tight I am. I think it’s bc I try to maintain boundaries and don’t say yes to every last minute visit request (though we do still see her plenty). And apparently my spouse argues with her about whether or not I’m up tight, rather than just shutting down the negative talk. I’m not wrong to be upset about this right? Feels totally inappropriate that my MIL seems to be trying to make a wedge between me and my spouse w the bad talking and I’m upset my spouse apparently lets her go on wo shutting it down.

Your reaction sounds uptight, to be honest. I mean that sincerely.

[Anonymous]

KEEP

MY

WIFE'S

NAME

OUT

YOUR

EFFING

MOUTH.

[Anonymous]

OP, no one cares what MILs say, except maybe other MILs.

Even then, only nice MILs tend to hang with nice MILs, and mean MILs with other mean MILs.

Its old lady code. No one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You DO sound uptight to be honest - you want to micromanage how your spouse defends you to his mom.

Honestly this! Tell dh not to tell you when she says these things. It does you no good to know about it. He has to manage this on his own.

[Anonymous]

MIL: Wow, your spouse is uptight.
DH: No, she isn't. [argues with his mother]
OP: DH isn't defending me in the way I would like him to. I am upset about this!
MIL: Point proven.

[Anonymous]

OP I don't know if this is helpful or not, but my MIL tried a few times to do this with us. My husband very quietly and calmly let her complain without arguing, until she talked herself into a complete circle and backed off. End of conversation.

He has stood up for me in the past however and told her not to comment on my weight every time we meet (is it up? is it down? that kind of thing). I've actually never had weight issues and always been slim, but it was becoming a fetish for her to needle me and was starting to wear me down. He stopped that.

It will depend on the character of your MIL I'm sure but it might help if he says he doesn't want to hear any more complaints from her, that she has to take you as you are or go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know your MIL is bad mouthing you and what your DH is saying?

My spouse has told me. (I also don’t understand why, it’s not constructive)

That's a different conversation to have with your spouse. "Joe, I appreciate this is a stressful situation for you, but I don't think I am the best sounding board for these conversations. She is your mother and I want to have a constructive relationship with her, but that is impossible when I am constantly hearing about all of the awful things she says about me. If you are looking for an opening to stop having a relationship with her, let's talk about that, but otherwise I think it's best that you not tell me about these conversations because they only poison my relationship with her further."