MIL bad mouthing me to my spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know your MIL is bad mouthing you and what your DH is saying?

My spouse has told me. (I also don’t understand why, it’s not constructive)

That's a different conversation to have with your spouse. "Joe, I appreciate this is a stressful situation for you, but I don't think I am the best sounding board for these conversations. She is your mother and I want to have a constructive relationship with her, but that is impossible when I am constantly hearing about all of the awful things she says about me. If you are looking for an opening to stop having a relationship with her, let's talk about that, but otherwise I think it's best that you not tell me about these conversations because they only poison my relationship with her further."

Post like this are so friggin annoying. You don't have to write an entire script for OP to to read to her husband. Just say: your husband's an idiot for telling you and you should tell him that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL: Wow, your spouse is uptight.
DH: No, she isn't. [argues with his mother]
OP: DH isn't defending me in the way I would like him to. I am upset about this!
MIL: Point proven.

+1

Personally, I would ask him not to tell me about these conversations at all. And I'd tell him that I appreciate him standing up for me to his mom, but if he wants to just ignore her or change the subject or just not engage, that's fine, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL: Wow, your spouse is uptight.
DH: No, she isn't. [argues with his mother]
OP: DH isn't defending me in the way I would like him to. I am upset about this!
MIL: Point proven.

I'd tell him that I appreciate him standing up for me to his mom.

Just this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you are being a bit controlling here. When your MIL talks shit about you, your husband has your back and that’s what you need in a marriage. Yes, it may be more effective to just end the conversation than argue with her, but how exactly to respond is his decision, not yours, because it’s his relationship with his mother. The important thing is that he’s on your side.

+100
As long as your relationship with your spouse is good, move along. She's only damaging her own relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently learned that my MIL likes to talk to my spouse about how up tight I am. I think it’s bc I try to maintain boundaries and don’t say yes to every last minute visit request (though we do still see her plenty). And apparently my spouse argues with her about whether or not I’m up tight, rather than just shutting down the negative talk. I’m not wrong to be upset about this right? Feels totally inappropriate that my MIL seems to be trying to make a wedge between me and my spouse w the bad talking and I’m upset my spouse apparently lets her go on wo shutting it down.

This is minor. Ignore it and ask your spouse to do the same.

My impression is that your MIL feels that you do not like her and that you are rejecting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

People aren’t saying to let this go because it’s a one time thing OP. They are saying to let it go because it’s micromanaging behavior to tell your husband how to defend you. He is defending you, just not in the method you prefer. Move on - you can’t control other people, only your reactions to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

I'm confused - is the mother of the step siblings the MIL you're talking about?

[Anonymous]

You have a spouse problem, not a MIL problem. He needs to set boundaries with her and make it unacceptable for her to complain to him about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

Agree with everyone on this thread - stop proving MIL's point by micromanaging how your spouse defends you to their mother. Thank your spouse for having your back, tell them not to tell you about the badmouthing, and drop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

I'm confused - is the mother of the step siblings the MIL you're talking about?

My MIL is the step mother of my spouse's step siblings (adults). For whatever reason she loses it if her own child ever says anything negative about them (talking weeks and even months of silent treatment to my spouse in the past). This is an aside, just noting MIL's hypocrisy when it comes to criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

I'm confused - is the mother of the step siblings the MIL you're talking about?

My MIL is the step mother of my spouse's step siblings (adults). For whatever reason she loses it if her own child ever says anything negative about them (talking weeks and even months of silent treatment to my spouse in the past). This is an aside, just noting MIL's hypocrisy when it comes to criticism.

Yet you yourself aren’t acknowledging any of the critiques of your response on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: this isn't the first time my spouse has told me about the bad mouthing, which leads me to believe they're not doing a great job standing up for me. But yes, I am annoyed they feel the need to tell me about it. Of course I'm going to have bad feelings ab my MIL if I know she likes to bad mouth me. It's also rich that if my spouse ever criticizes their step siblings to their mother, the mother shuts it down and does silent treatment.

I'm confused - is the mother of the step siblings the MIL you're talking about?

My MIL is the step mother of my spouse's step siblings (adults). For whatever reason she loses it if her own child ever says anything negative about them (talking weeks and even months of silent treatment to my spouse in the past). This is an aside, just noting MIL's hypocrisy when it comes to criticism.

Yet you yourself aren’t acknowledging any of the critiques of your response on this thread.

I've been listening and I guess will let it go. I don't think it's crazy to be upset about my MIL consistently talking behind my back. I actually thought we had a really nice visit over the holiday weekend so was hurt to hear she still needed to criticize me. But yeah, I guess I really just need to have my spouse stop telling me about it and accept that their defense was good enough, and hope I just don't hear about it again.

[Anonymous]

How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know what she discusses with her son? If your husband has a big mouth and is telling you, fix that problem first. His mom can vent to him, he shouldn't be reporting back to you about it. You can be upset, but you can't control how she feels about you, especially if it's true.

My spouse has told me. As I said above, I'm going to just let it go. I still think it's inappropriate for my MIL to be bad mouthing me to my spouse, like she's trying to create a wedge between us. My mother and I never speak poorly about my spouse. Do I need to worry about her bad mouthing me to my child, undermining my parenting, when she watches my them?