My Demanding Narc Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to remind her that you cannot be the outlet for all her emotional needs. You have life and work commitments to many people. She cannot expect one person to fulfill all her needs so if she’s not willing to use/make friends and activities as her social outlets then her days will be boring.

This is not OP and this is all true, but my goodness the number of us who have parents who cannot comprehend this concept. It needs to be a quote hung on the wall taught over and over

"Your children cannot be the outlet for all your emotional needs (or your emotional punching bag.) They have life and work commitments and plenty of other stressors. You need friends. You need connection. You need activities. No, your children don't owe you their lives. They didn't chose to be born. They were cute babies and toddlers with massive needs for just a few years. You are acting like a baby and toddler even before you are the diaper stage and it lasts a decade or more at least and it's not cute and we can't pick you up and place you in time out."

[Anonymous]

I recently read Motherland by Paul Theroux, and I recommend that OP and anyone who can relate should read this book. Plus I have read that it's at least partly autobiographical. The mother in that book was a mega-narc, and she lived well over 100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she is right. Look, I have a mom in AL, and I visit her on my schedule, not when she wants. Once a week is not enough, every other day is too much. For me, it works out to about every 5 days. She is hypercritical, never know what you're going to get on any visit. However, this is your mom, and be thankful she doesn't live with you! Be gracious.

No. I think for too long we have given women, it's always women, the message that they should accept abuse with a smile. It's OK for someone to manipulate you and insult you because sheees family, so just shut up, be meek, slap a smile on your face and do your job! Nope. You have a right to have boundaries. Nobody is allowed to demean you, not even your mom. You don't need to visit her more or less. You need to find your own comfort zone and figure out your own boundaries. I have no more tolerance for the disturbing messages that excuse horrible behavior. Even if it's dementia talking, then you can medicate the abusive behavior, not into a zombie, but into a human who isn't a monster.

But it's definitely not always women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, she is right. Look, I have a mom in AL, and I visit her on my schedule, not when she wants. Once a week is not enough, every other day is too much. For me, it works out to about every 5 days. She is hypercritical, never know what you're going to get on any visit. However, this is your mom, and be thankful she doesn't live with you! Be gracious.

No. I think for too long we have given women, it's always women, the message that they should accept abuse with a smile. It's OK for someone to manipulate you and insult you because sheees family, so just shut up, be meek, slap a smile on your face and do your job! Nope. You have a right to have boundaries. Nobody is allowed to demean you, not even your mom. You don't need to visit her more or less. You need to find your own comfort zone and figure out your own boundaries. I have no more tolerance for the disturbing messages that excuse horrible behavior. Even if it's dementia talking, then you can medicate the abusive behavior, not into a zombie, but into a human who isn't a monster.

But it's definitely not always women.

True. I do think more often than not women are the ones who are supposed to suck it up, but yes, some met get this message too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is showing you that she is lonely and needs a broader social circle. I am willing to be that she would be SO MUCH HAPPIER if she moved to assisted living with some of her friends. Can you nudge her in this direction in a way that would make it seem like her own idea? I used to think that moving to a retirement community or assisted living would be sad, but I have seen so many people move to these places and thrive. They are surrounded by people in the same phase of life as them, who have the same sort of availability, who can get together for activities/social gatherings/complain about your children sessions. I see seniors in my neighborhood who are so desperate for chit-chat that they stalk their windows waiting for someone to walk by so that they can talk. Unfortunately they are surrounded by working families who are rarely available during the day, and whose evenings and weekends are full of obligations to kids and other family. Your mom will demand so much less from you if she gets more social interaction.

OP back and no, I’m not a troll.

This is exactly the conversation I need to have with my mom. She’s already out a hold or deposit down for a cottage in a nearby AL community.
It’s managing her expectations. It is not possible to for me to call her every day and talk for an hour, nor visit once a week after work.

She is increasingly bitter and angry. I purposely haven’t checked in with her this week (after sibling had lengthy call) because I don’t want to be criticized and berated and listen to her rant.

Then tell her that - when she starts you shut her down saying "Mom, I didn't call to be criticized and berated. You complain if we don't check in, yet every call is a litany of issues you blame me for. Will it ever be enough? And for the record, I always have to be the one to call you. You haven't called me in weeks/months but I don't call you to complain that I'm feeling unloved and not valued."

Get her a pet.