My Demanding Narc Mom

[Anonymous]

Why are you calling her a Narc? Does she rat you out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you calling her a Narc? Does she rat you out?

I think OP meant narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.

Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.

Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.

Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.

She’s acting like a spoiled brat.

Actually you are acting that way. You deserted your mother for your job, family, dcum complaints, and anything else that’s taking priority over her- your mother, your blood, your family. One day I hope you see the error of your ways and realize you have only one mother and should love and respect her through all the days of her life. You may love her, but you’re certainly not showing her respect. Call your mother 5 minutes every other day, build a good relationship, love her, respect her, show her you care. She raised you for 18+ years and did the best she could. Now you can’t be bothered with her? That’s a very sad and selfish situation. She is in the last days of her life and should not go out of it with children that do not respect her or show her love. I hope you apologize before she passes so you don’t live with the regret in your older years when your own children see the example you’re setting and treat you the same way.

It’s very difficult to be elderly and alone and I wish that upon no one. I am a caretaker for an elderly parent and the decline is staggering, days are difficult, love is abundant. My parent is heartbroken at times by other siblings that rarely check in but rarely say anything. Yes there are days they are manipulative, days they are tired, days they are happy, days they are full of life, days where you’re fighting to keep them in this world. It’s a difficult experience to watch someone grow old and decline but at least I know that they will not leave this world feeling deserted or unloved. Call your mother today, tomorrow is not promised.

only read your first sentence. Go away ahole.

[Anonymous]

OP, tell her "nothing is enough, so I guess nothing will have to be enough."

[Anonymous]

She's 85. It won't be much longer.

[Anonymous]

How is your mom a narc ?

Demanding I get, but I thought narc = informing to the cops?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is your mom a narc ?

Demanding I get, but I thought narc = informing to the cops?

Ahh I see above narc refers to narcissist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.

Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.

Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.

Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.

She’s acting like a spoiled brat.

Actually you are acting that way. You deserted your mother for your job, family, dcum complaints, and anything else that’s taking priority over her- your mother, your blood, your family. One day I hope you see the error of your ways and realize you have only one mother and should love and respect her through all the days of her life. You may love her, but you’re certainly not showing her respect. Call your mother 5 minutes every other day, build a good relationship, love her, respect her, show her you care. She raised you for 18+ years and did the best she could. Now you can’t be bothered with her? That’s a very sad and selfish situation. She is in the last days of her life and should not go out of it with children that do not respect her or show her love. I hope you apologize before she passes so you don’t live with the regret in your older years when your own children see the example you’re setting and treat you the same way.

It’s very difficult to be elderly and alone and I wish that upon no one. I am a caretaker for an elderly parent and the decline is staggering, days are difficult, love is abundant. My parent is heartbroken at times by other siblings that rarely check in but rarely say anything. Yes there are days they are manipulative, days they are tired, days they are happy, days they are full of life, days where you’re fighting to keep them in this world. It’s a difficult experience to watch someone grow old and decline but at least I know that they will not leave this world feeling deserted or unloved. Call your mother today, tomorrow is not promised.

This has to be a troll. :roll:

I have a weird feeling it's a very bored person in their 70s projecting. TBH, I will probably troll DCUM when I got old too if it keeps me from annoying the crap out of my kids.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is showing you that she is lonely and needs a broader social circle. I am willing to be that she would be SO MUCH HAPPIER if she moved to assisted living with some of her friends. Can you nudge her in this direction in a way that would make it seem like her own idea? I used to think that moving to a retirement community or assisted living would be sad, but I have seen so many people move to these places and thrive. They are surrounded by people in the same phase of life as them, who have the same sort of availability, who can get together for activities/social gatherings/complain about your children sessions. I see seniors in my neighborhood who are so desperate for chit-chat that they stalk their windows waiting for someone to walk by so that they can talk. Unfortunately they are surrounded by working families who are rarely available during the day, and whose evenings and weekends are full of obligations to kids and other family. Your mom will demand so much less from you if she gets more social interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is showing you that she is lonely and needs a broader social circle. I am willing to be that she would be SO MUCH HAPPIER if she moved to assisted living with some of her friends. Can you nudge her in this direction in a way that would make it seem like her own idea? I used to think that moving to a retirement community or assisted living would be sad, but I have seen so many people move to these places and thrive. They are surrounded by people in the same phase of life as them, who have the same sort of availability, who can get together for activities/social gatherings/complain about your children sessions. I see seniors in my neighborhood who are so desperate for chit-chat that they stalk their windows waiting for someone to walk by so that they can talk. Unfortunately they are surrounded by working families who are rarely available during the day, and whose evenings and weekends are full of obligations to kids and other family. Your mom will demand so much less from you if she gets more social interaction.

OP back and no, I’m not a troll.

This is exactly the conversation I need to have with my mom. She’s already out a hold or deposit down for a cottage in a nearby AL community.
It’s managing her expectations. It is not possible to for me to call her every day and talk for an hour, nor visit once a week after work.

She is increasingly bitter and angry. I purposely haven’t checked in with her this week (after sibling had lengthy call) because I don’t want to be criticized and berated and listen to her rant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sibling just called our mom. Was on the phone with her almost an hour and had to end the call- mom went down the list of DC and GC and even our ILs and complained that a whole summer went by and she didn’t get to see us enough.

Mom proclaimed that there’s not a more loving and devoted mom and once again, her family simply doesn’t do enough for her and she is having such a hard time dealing with the fact that her GC are grown and independent - as if she raised these children.

Now mom is on predictable course. Health concerns and facing surgery and lamenting that we’re not looking after her and will soon need to be shuttling her to appointments and on and on.

Unreasonable expectations. She expressed jealousy that my ILs (a decade younger) get to see my DC more than she does.

She’s acting like a spoiled brat.

Actually you are acting that way. You deserted your mother for your job, family, dcum complaints, and anything else that’s taking priority over her- your mother, your blood, your family. One day I hope you see the error of your ways and realize you have only one mother and should love and respect her through all the days of her life. You may love her, but you’re certainly not showing her respect. Call your mother 5 minutes every other day, build a good relationship, love her, respect her, show her you care. She raised you for 18+ years and did the best she could. Now you can’t be bothered with her? That’s a very sad and selfish situation. She is in the last days of her life and should not go out of it with children that do not respect her or show her love. I hope you apologize before she passes so you don’t live with the regret in your older years when your own children see the example you’re setting and treat you the same way.

It’s very difficult to be elderly and alone and I wish that upon no one. I am a caretaker for an elderly parent and the decline is staggering, days are difficult, love is abundant. My parent is heartbroken at times by other siblings that rarely check in but rarely say anything. Yes there are days they are manipulative, days they are tired, days they are happy, days they are full of life, days where you’re fighting to keep them in this world. It’s a difficult experience to watch someone grow old and decline but at least I know that they will not leave this world feeling deserted or unloved. Call your mother today, tomorrow is not promised.

This has to be a troll. :roll:

I have a weird feeling it's a very bored person in their 70s projecting. TBH, I will probably troll DCUM when I got old too if it keeps me from annoying the crap out of my kids.

There is a lot of projection and hyperbole, none of which is persuasive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is showing you that she is lonely and needs a broader social circle. I am willing to be that she would be SO MUCH HAPPIER if she moved to assisted living with some of her friends. Can you nudge her in this direction in a way that would make it seem like her own idea? I used to think that moving to a retirement community or assisted living would be sad, but I have seen so many people move to these places and thrive. They are surrounded by people in the same phase of life as them, who have the same sort of availability, who can get together for activities/social gatherings/complain about your children sessions. I see seniors in my neighborhood who are so desperate for chit-chat that they stalk their windows waiting for someone to walk by so that they can talk. Unfortunately they are surrounded by working families who are rarely available during the day, and whose evenings and weekends are full of obligations to kids and other family. Your mom will demand so much less from you if she gets more social interaction.

OP back and no, I’m not a troll.

This is exactly the conversation I need to have with my mom. She’s already out a hold or deposit down for a cottage in a nearby AL community.
It’s managing her expectations. It is not possible to for me to call her every day and talk for an hour, nor visit once a week after work.

She is increasingly bitter and angry. I purposely haven’t checked in with her this week (after sibling had lengthy call) because I don’t want to be criticized and berated and listen to her rant.

OP, it wasn’t you who was called a troll but the person castigating you.

[Anonymous]

OP you can certainly try talking to her and discussing expectations. My mother is incapable of rational discussion, empathy, or self-awareness at this point and she total rewrote history/lies like a rug about how much/how little she did for her own parents and inlaws.

So I have my boundaries. Period. if she uses any of her manipulation strategies I leave and skip visits. At one point she got really bad so I spelled out exactly what she does and if she cannot be appreciative then she should not expect any visits or calls. First sign of guilt trip I leave. It actually worked, but every single time she reverts back I leave or get off phone without apology. I now have a zero tolerance policy. We have so many stressful things going on in our lives right now that if she adds to it with this nonsense we cannot take another second. Too many years of her histrionics and verbal abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can certainly try talking to her and discussing expectations. My mother is incapable of rational discussion, empathy, or self-awareness at this point and she total rewrote history/lies like a rug about how much/how little she did for her own parents and inlaws.

So I have my boundaries. Period. if she uses any of her manipulation strategies I leave and skip visits. At one point she got really bad so I spelled out exactly what she does and if she cannot be appreciative then she should not expect any visits or calls. First sign of guilt trip I leave. It actually worked, but every single time she reverts back I leave or get off phone without apology. I now have a zero tolerance policy. We have so many stressful things going on in our lives right now that if she adds to it with this nonsense we cannot take another second. Too many years of her histrionics and verbal abuse.

OP and yes, I can relate to the histrionics and rewritten history. I grew up in an alcoholic household. My late father was a mean, abusive drunk and yet my mother stayed with him for a lifetime. Now we are expected to remember his birthday, their wedding anniversary, milestones in the past.

I need to adopt your zero tolerance policy; per a long ago therapist, I did this with my father. The moment he raised his voice, made a sarcastic comment or criticized me (and by this time I was a married mom), I left. I did this once but with a warning at the beginning of the visit. Maybe about 20 minutes in, I left. He never repeated the abusive actions.

Even family gatherings have to be all about my mom with the conversations going back to her. There’s no period of silence in her presence. If you are awake, you are engaging with her. We’d never watch a movie or tv or a sports program because she wants us to watch her.

[Anonymous]

You need to remind her that you cannot be the outlet for all her emotional needs. You have life and work commitments to many people. She cannot expect one person to fulfill all her needs so if she’s not willing to use/make friends and activities as her social outlets then her days will be boring.