Being a parent to my kid with autism is like being in the worst abusive relationship I can't leave

[Anonymous]

Relatable. Hugs to all. Remember that nothing is forever--maturity helps. Though I understand it's hard to play the long game when you are so cratered every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. My husband and son have ADHD and HFA and it's only horrible on occasion. Not every day, or even every week. Rarely when my husband goes round the bend and makes us all suffer, or they start to fight, or I need to save what my son has completely messed up, I want to kill myself, but then I realize, why would I suffer for the idiocies of others? I still have years of life to enjoy with my friends, and my other child who is delightful and deserves my love and care. So I power through.

Hugs from me. What sort of plan do you have for respite care?

If your husband's behavior is so bad that it makes you feel suicidal, you need to be thinking about divorce. If not for you, then for your children who are learning that behavior is acceptable.

Not this PP but similar situation. Divorce doesn't make sense because then DH would be alone with the kids a lot, and that would be a disaster. Plus it would be a huge financial hit. I wish I could send my DH and DS away and just parent my other two. Although DH and DS are both disasters, it's DH that is the bigger problem. It is really, really tough to live like this but there aren't easy (or any) solutions.

DP. Also in similar situation. DH is not autistic, but I suspect he has ADHD, the inattentive type. I sometimes fantasize about divorce and just running away with my younger child (who is a dream to parent), but in reality, divorce would be a financial and logistical disaster, and would greatly exacerbate my SN older child's already significant behavioral challenges -- I know that he wouldn't be able to handle this type of disruption to his life. Some days I feel totally trapped. I would only admit this on an anonymous forum.

I have a friend in a similar situation and divorce was the best thing that happened to the family according to her. Life is much easier without having a grown up (DH) having tantrums in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. My husband and son have ADHD and HFA and it's only horrible on occasion. Not every day, or even every week. Rarely when my husband goes round the bend and makes us all suffer, or they start to fight, or I need to save what my son has completely messed up, I want to kill myself, but then I realize, why would I suffer for the idiocies of others? I still have years of life to enjoy with my friends, and my other child who is delightful and deserves my love and care. So I power through.

Hugs from me. What sort of plan do you have for respite care?

If your husband's behavior is so bad that it makes you feel suicidal, you need to be thinking about divorce. If not for you, then for your children who are learning that behavior is acceptable.

Not this PP but similar situation. Divorce doesn't make sense because then DH would be alone with the kids a lot, and that would be a disaster. Plus it would be a huge financial hit. I wish I could send my DH and DS away and just parent my other two. Although DH and DS are both disasters, it's DH that is the bigger problem. It is really, really tough to live like this but there aren't easy (or any) solutions.

DP. Also in similar situation. DH is not autistic, but I suspect he has ADHD, the inattentive type. I sometimes fantasize about divorce and just running away with my younger child (who is a dream to parent), but in reality, divorce would be a financial and logistical disaster, and would greatly exacerbate my SN older child's already significant behavioral challenges -- I know that he wouldn't be able to handle this type of disruption to his life. Some days I feel totally trapped. I would only admit this on an anonymous forum.

PP from above... I wonder how many of us there are out there. My family looks totally normal from the outside, but you'd never know what goes on inside. It's tough. Too bad we can't form a support group but I also would never admit to my situation except anonymously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No suggestions. Just solidarity. It is so so hard. And it certainly isn’t as nice as they said Holland would be. Some days just suck and other days aren’t awful. That’s the bar…today wasn’t awful.

I love the poem reference btw.

What poem? : )

Different poster. The poem is welcome to Holland, which many parents seem to like. But that poem pisses me
Off with the fire of a thousand suns. It is all this zen nonsense of “well it may be different but it is still awesome in a different way.” Which isn’t the case at all for my 12 year old that is cognitively 9 months old. It is actually pretty terrible — not awesome Amsterdam when I thought I would get Paris.

This essay explains well why some of us don’t feel like we are in Holland:
https://smithkingsmore.org/the-trouble-with-welcome-to-holland/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No suggestions. Just solidarity. It is so so hard. And it certainly isn’t as nice as they said Holland would be. Some days just suck and other days aren’t awful. That’s the bar…today wasn’t awful.

I love the poem reference btw.

What poem? : )

Different poster. The poem is welcome to Holland, which many parents seem to like. But that poem pisses me
Off with the fire of a thousand suns. It is all this zen nonsense of “well it may be different but it is still awesome in a different way.” Which isn’t the case at all for my 12 year old that is cognitively 9 months old. It is actually pretty terrible — not awesome Amsterdam when I thought I would get Paris.

This essay explains well why some of us don’t feel like we are in Holland:
https://smithkingsmore.org/the-trouble-with-welcome-to-holland/

There is also a parody of this called "welcome to Beirut."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No suggestions. Just solidarity. It is so so hard. And it certainly isn’t as nice as they said Holland would be. Some days just suck and other days aren’t awful. That’s the bar…today wasn’t awful.

I love the poem reference btw.

What poem? : )

Different poster. The poem is welcome to Holland, which many parents seem to like. But that poem pisses me
Off with the fire of a thousand suns. It is all this zen nonsense of “well it may be different but it is still awesome in a different way.” Which isn’t the case at all for my 12 year old that is cognitively 9 months old. It is actually pretty terrible — not awesome Amsterdam when I thought I would get Paris.

This essay explains well why some of us don’t feel like we are in Holland:
https://smithkingsmore.org/the-trouble-with-welcome-to-holland/

There is also a parody of this called "welcome to Beirut."

Welcome to Beirut:
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes I wish my kid were less higher functioning because a kid who can't walk and talk also can't fight with you about every single thing, every single effing day. I am so over it.

Word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No suggestions. Just solidarity. It is so so hard. And it certainly isn’t as nice as they said Holland would be. Some days just suck and other days aren’t awful. That’s the bar…today wasn’t awful.

I love the poem reference btw.

What poem? : )

Different poster. The poem is welcome to Holland, which many parents seem to like. But that poem pisses me
Off with the fire of a thousand suns. It is all this zen nonsense of “well it may be different but it is still awesome in a different way.” Which isn’t the case at all for my 12 year old that is cognitively 9 months old. It is actually pretty terrible — not awesome Amsterdam when I thought I would get Paris.

This essay explains well why some of us don’t feel like we are in Holland:
https://smithkingsmore.org/the-trouble-with-welcome-to-holland/

There is also a parody of this called "welcome to Beirut."

Welcome to Beirut:
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

ha! truth!

[Anonymous]

Totally with you, OP! Soon after we got the diagnosis, I said this exact thing to my DH. Sometimes it makes me feel really hopeless, and a big part of that is because it feels like there's no hope for the future.

I agree with the PPs who talked about how there are things you can't share with others, especially related to mental health or behavior. It is really isolating and unfair.

It's helpful to hear from others, though. It makes me feel less alone. Hopefully you can get some support from others in a similar situation. We all need to be willing to say these things IRL. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No suggestions. Just solidarity. It is so so hard. And it certainly isn’t as nice as they said Holland would be. Some days just suck and other days aren’t awful. That’s the bar…today wasn’t awful.

I love the poem reference btw.

What poem? : )

Different poster. The poem is welcome to Holland, which many parents seem to like. But that poem pisses me
Off with the fire of a thousand suns. It is all this zen nonsense of “well it may be different but it is still awesome in a different way.” Which isn’t the case at all for my 12 year old that is cognitively 9 months old. It is actually pretty terrible — not awesome Amsterdam when I thought I would get Paris.

This essay explains well why some of us don’t feel like we are in Holland:
https://smithkingsmore.org/the-trouble-with-welcome-to-holland/

There is also a parody of this called "welcome to Beirut."

Welcome to Beirut:
http://www.bbbautism.com/beginners_beirut.htm

Love this, but I think "Welcome to Beirut" is still a bit too cheery. I would have preferred a parody that really dug into the experience of being in war.

[Anonymous]

OP I sympathize. I have two special needs children and it is overwhelming. My husband doesn't really get involved at all and I find it infuriating that it all falls on me. He even finds my one child's bad behavior funny (which it can be at times but I won't laugh in front of my child if he's hitting, screaming or saying mean things).

I have intense guilt because my 15 year old refuses meds and I've never been able to really help him much. I just lend a sympathetic ear and add suggestions that I hope he will consider.

I have a two hour break when school is in session. The rest of the day I'm shuttling them to sports, therapies and drs appointments and then helping with homework as I cook and then collapsing at 1am once I've helped my high schooler with several more hours of homework.

Happiness sometimes seems so unrealistic for me.