Can’t stand adult step siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to expect separate holidays on Christmas Day and thanksgiving itself. But it should be fine to have dinners together on non holidays without the steps, trips without the steps of you visit them from out of town etc

This. Everyone can suck it up for holidays and large family events.

That is so mean. You want your FIL to choose between seeing his kids or his wife on Christmas, but your DW doesn’t need to choose. She gets to see sibs and mom. And you think that’s right? Sounds like the steps aren’t the problem, it’s your entitled and cruel wife.

Children of divorce have to choose between their parents on holidays. Wah.

Not if the parents can come together and spend the holiday together. This isn't something that needs to happen. It's happening because the wife is a jerk. Her needs supersede everyone else's needs. She needs to get over herself and be an adult. Wah.

So for the holidays, current marriages are suspended and everyone hangs out with their ex? Come on. If two people are divorced with kids and then they marry each other and have a kid, how can they come together with their exes without making the new kid choose between them? Nobody's willing to live like that. Divorced people should stop being in denial of the burdens they impose on their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

It is reasonable and expected that your siblings will partner up and in many cases those partners become the blood relative of your nieces and nephews and become even more closely bonded to the family. It is an annoying extension of the trauma of divorce that you not only have to accept step parents, but then step-siblings and their spouses and their children, none of whom share your blood, or your life experiences (speaking of steps who join the family as adults).

It’s very very different. I have a cousin who is like a sister and her husband is annoying but I love my cousin and her kids so I tolerate him. 4 people I love come with one annoying guy I am not close to, so it’s worth it. My dad on the other hand has a hot mess of a wife with three kids from three different relationships, all of whom have their own kids and assorted partners. So in order to spend time with my dad during a major holiday, I have to be around 7 annoying adults and 5 kids I barely know. That’s a 1:12 ratio of loved:annoying, vs. my cousin’s family which is 4:1.

Doing that math doesn’t make me the jerk. It means that I quite reasonably don’t find as much enjoyment in those visits and so I almost never go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it. If my dad wants to live his own life he can, but there are tradeoffs and this is one of them.

+1. There is a different social expectation that emanates (in many cases) from the parents of the “blended family” to the new siblings. While late-in-life blending (20s) probably is a lot like the in-law scenario, when the kids are younger, even late teens, it’s a totally different animal. If you say to someone “my brother in law Larlo is a jerk” , nobody bats an eye. The jerk brother in law is a trope. If you say “Larlo my stepbrother is a jerk,” you get a lot of “geez, late 40s and someone is still not over the divorce.” It’s subtle but maddening, and while in theory we should all be mature adults and able to deal with things, in practice it is an irritant that necessarily results in strains on your family in ways commiserating about Larla your bratty sister in law does not. Even a flatworm turns away from pain.

And yes, one must be civil with the blended siblings and never let a hint of your dislike show. But the only way to do that is to emotionally detach from how you feel about your family in general. It’s a great loss that you shouldn’t be too quick to pooh pooh if you haven’t been there.

1000x this. Anything less than a perfect smiling facade gets you shamed for having any non-positive opinions about your parents' divorce. The remarried parents insist that everyone play-act their roles in the "happy blended family" so that they can pretend to have the outcome they wanted. But of course nobody is truly happy and nobody is having the family they wanted. And we all know that if they divorced, these "sibling" relationships would vanish in an instant. It's all just so fake.

I have a step mother and half siblings who I haven’t spoken to since we laid my father to rest. Fake smiles when he was alive but good riddance to the them.

[Anonymous]

For one or two major family holidays a year I think you just need to suck it up. For smaller events and travel I would just constantly repeat "we would like to see you and your DH but we are not interested in a larger gathering. If everyone else is invited we will have to decline." Just make it clear you want to see you parent and that their spouse is welcome. Then its on them if they refuse.

[Anonymous]

I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

See, that's the kind of thing that gets ACODs shamed and belittled and accused of being too emotional, sad, hung up on the divorce, etc. If you haven't experienced it you really wouldn't understand, but divorced people are very defensive of their choices and cling very, very hard to their imaginary happy family and react with anger when challenged. There are really no words polite or tactful enough to get this message across without negative consequences. And many ACOD aren't willing to deny their child time with grandparents. It's bad enough that the grandchild is already getting less time due to the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to expect separate holidays on Christmas Day and thanksgiving itself. But it should be fine to have dinners together on non holidays without the steps, trips without the steps of you visit them from out of town etc

This. Everyone can suck it up for holidays and large family events.

That is so mean. You want your FIL to choose between seeing his kids or his wife on Christmas, but your DW doesn’t need to choose. She gets to see sibs and mom. And you think that’s right? Sounds like the steps aren’t the problem, it’s your entitled and cruel wife.

Children of divorce have to choose between their parents on holidays. Wah.

Not if the parents can come together and spend the holiday together. This isn't something that needs to happen. It's happening because the wife is a jerk. Her needs supersede everyone else's needs. She needs to get over herself and be an adult. Wah.

So for the holidays, current marriages are suspended and everyone hangs out with their ex? Come on. If two people are divorced with kids and then they marry each other and have a kid, how can they come together with their exes without making the new kid choose between them? Nobody's willing to live like that. Divorced people should stop being in denial of the burdens they impose on their children.

+1. So, I'd love if my divorced parents did a holiday together. But then how could my half-sister's parents do a holiday togethe unless her dad came too? And what about his ex, who he also has kids with, I guess she'll have to come too and bring those kids? I'll bring my ex too, and he can bring his new wife and her ex. Gosh it's getting really crowded in this AirBNB.

[Anonymous]

What does she not like about the step sibs?
Are they just annoying or is there severe toxic behavior?
I’m
A step kid and step mom and I would not expect my step parent to choose my parent and their bio kids- WTF!!
If people are just not my cup of tea than I just need to suck it up sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

See, that's the kind of thing that gets ACODs shamed and belittled and accused of being too emotional, sad, hung up on the divorce, etc. If you haven't experienced it you really wouldn't understand, but divorced people are very defensive of their choices and cling very, very hard to their imaginary happy family and react with anger when challenged. There are really no words polite or tactful enough to get this message across without negative consequences. And many ACOD aren't willing to deny their child time with grandparents. It's bad enough that the grandchild is already getting less time due to the divorce.

As a child of divorce I highly recommend that you get therapy -PRONTO!
You need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

See, that's the kind of thing that gets ACODs shamed and belittled and accused of being too emotional, sad, hung up on the divorce, etc. If you haven't experienced it you really wouldn't understand, but divorced people are very defensive of their choices and cling very, very hard to their imaginary happy family and react with anger when challenged. There are really no words polite or tactful enough to get this message across without negative consequences. And many ACOD aren't willing to deny their child time with grandparents. It's bad enough that the grandchild is already getting less time due to the divorce.

I disagree. I’m an ACOD and my step siblings, who I didn’t meet until I was in my mid-20’s, are losers and my mother knows it but does her best to deal with it. I like her husband and we get together a few times a year but never with the other siblings. If there is any resentment on the part of my mother or her husband they never show it and they are very loving grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

See, that's the kind of thing that gets ACODs shamed and belittled and accused of being too emotional, sad, hung up on the divorce, etc. If you haven't experienced it you really wouldn't understand, but divorced people are very defensive of their choices and cling very, very hard to their imaginary happy family and react with anger when challenged. There are really no words polite or tactful enough to get this message across without negative consequences. And many ACOD aren't willing to deny their child time with grandparents. It's bad enough that the grandchild is already getting less time due to the divorce.

As a child of divorce I highly recommend that you get therapy -PRONTO!
You need help.

I mean maybe, but I really do think the ACOD stories in general are ones that are way overdue for being fully told. A lot of us have regrets over how hard we toed the happy charade and for how long. I’m also not saying parents should never divorce or remarry or have “joy,” either. It’s definitely part of the bigger picture that in general people should really, really slow down before marrying, having kids and divorcing, and then doing it all again.
- Different ACOD from PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d say “Mom, I just don’t get along with them and I know the feeling is mutual and I’ve never really considered them to be part of my family. I’d like to spend more time with you and SF.” She won’t like it but she either has to accept it or lose out on seeing you and her grandchild.

See, that's the kind of thing that gets ACODs shamed and belittled and accused of being too emotional, sad, hung up on the divorce, etc. If you haven't experienced it you really wouldn't understand, but divorced people are very defensive of their choices and cling very, very hard to their imaginary happy family and react with anger when challenged. There are really no words polite or tactful enough to get this message across without negative consequences. And many ACOD aren't willing to deny their child time with grandparents. It's bad enough that the grandchild is already getting less time due to the divorce.

I disagree. I’m an ACOD and my step siblings, who I didn’t meet until I was in my mid-20’s, are losers and my mother knows it but does her best to deal with it. I like her husband and we get together a few times a year but never with the other siblings. If there is any resentment on the part of my mother or her husband they never show it and they are very loving grandparents.

It’s not that you disagree, it’s that you’ve had a very different experience, luckily. Your mom decided to bear the burnt of the loser stepsiblings - shielding you from a consequence of her choice - and didn’t expect that you to play Big Happy Family. You should know perfectly well that’s not what happens 95 percent of the time.

[Anonymous]

OP here: for those asking, I think it’s mostly that the steps are a bit of losers, generally kind of surly, though one of them is downright sexist. Either way, the dislike on both sides is palpable and I have no doubt they will never be in contact again after one of the parents dies.

And again, I’m not only talking about holidays here. My parents are also divorced so we’re dealing with 4 sets of parents to see - someone is always going to be left out.
It’s more the fact that her mother is so into trying to make everyone play along with this one big happy family charade. We are all local so most visits involve the whole gang. (For reasons I won’t go into we can only generally visit at their place on weekends. If we want to see MIL on our own terms/at our place it has to be during the evenings of the workweek, which generally doesn’t work great with our and our toddler’s schedule).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

It is reasonable and expected that your siblings will partner up and in many cases those partners become the blood relative of your nieces and nephews and become even more closely bonded to the family. It is an annoying extension of the trauma of divorce that you not only have to accept step parents, but then step-siblings and their spouses and their children, none of whom share your blood, or your life experiences (speaking of steps who join the family as adults).

It’s very very different. I have a cousin who is like a sister and her husband is annoying but I love my cousin and her kids so I tolerate him. 4 people I love come with one annoying guy I am not close to, so it’s worth it. My dad on the other hand has a hot mess of a wife with three kids from three different relationships, all of whom have their own kids and assorted partners. So in order to spend time with my dad during a major holiday, I have to be around 7 annoying adults and 5 kids I barely know. That’s a 1:12 ratio of loved:annoying, vs. my cousin’s family which is 4:1.

Doing that math doesn’t make me the jerk. It means that I quite reasonably don’t find as much enjoyment in those visits and so I almost never go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it. If my dad wants to live his own life he can, but there are tradeoffs and this is one of them.

+1. There is a different social expectation that emanates (in many cases) from the parents of the “blended family” to the new siblings. While late-in-life blending (20s) probably is a lot like the in-law scenario, when the kids are younger, even late teens, it’s a totally different animal. If you say to someone “my brother in law Larlo is a jerk” , nobody bats an eye. The jerk brother in law is a trope. If you say “Larlo my stepbrother is a jerk,” you get a lot of “geez, late 40s and someone is still not over the divorce.” It’s subtle but maddening, and while in theory we should all be mature adults and able to deal with things, in practice it is an irritant that necessarily results in strains on your family in ways commiserating about Larla your bratty sister in law does not. Even a flatworm turns away from pain.

And yes, one must be civil with the blended siblings and never let a hint of your dislike show. But the only way to do that is to emotionally detach from how you feel about your family in general. It’s a great loss that you shouldn’t be too quick to pooh pooh if you haven’t been there.

1000x this. Anything less than a perfect smiling facade gets you shamed for having any non-positive opinions about your parents' divorce. The remarried parents insist that everyone play-act their roles in the "happy blended family" so that they can pretend to have the outcome they wanted. But of course nobody is truly happy and nobody is having the family they wanted. And we all know that if they divorced, these "sibling" relationships would vanish in an instant. It's all just so fake.

I have a step mother and half siblings who I haven’t spoken to since we laid my father to rest. Fake smiles when he was alive but good riddance to the them.

Same. I accidentally called her a few months ago, when trying to use Siri to call someone with a similar name. We talked for 15 minutes, and I just pretended to care.

[Anonymous]

I have 5 siblings who I love dearly, and even we intentionally plan family visits so we’re not all there at the same time and actually get to visit with our parent. We have big family events too, but those are much more rare. Don’t make it about not wanting to see your step-sibs - make it about wanting to have more 1:1 time to really see your parents.

I also have adult step sibs who we avoid as much as possible. I always ask my step mom about them and am friendly/welcoming if our paths happen to cross, but 15 years in we’ve all just mutually come to avoid each other.

[Anonymous]

We never see my husband’s adult step-siblings but we really enjoy time with his dad and step-mom. For holidays, we take turns. One year FIL and stepmom might spend Christmas with her side of the family and another year with us/ DH’a siblings. I see no reason that we should spend time together when we have nothing in common. I think the feeling is probably mutual - no animosity just no needed relationship.