Can’t stand adult step siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

It is reasonable and expected that your siblings will partner up and in many cases those partners become the blood relative of your nieces and nephews and become even more closely bonded to the family. It is an annoying extension of the trauma of divorce that you not only have to accept step parents, but then step-siblings and their spouses and their children, none of whom share your blood, or your life experiences (speaking of steps who join the family as adults).

It’s very very different. I have a cousin who is like a sister and her husband is annoying but I love my cousin and her kids so I tolerate him. 4 people I love come with one annoying guy I am not close to, so it’s worth it. My dad on the other hand has a hot mess of a wife with three kids from three different relationships, all of whom have their own kids and assorted partners. So in order to spend time with my dad during a major holiday, I have to be around 7 annoying adults and 5 kids I barely know. That’s a 1:12 ratio of loved:annoying, vs. my cousin’s family which is 4:1.

Doing that math doesn’t make me the jerk. It means that I quite reasonably don’t find as much enjoyment in those visits and so I almost never go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it. If my dad wants to live his own life he can, but there are tradeoffs and this is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is acting like a petulant teenager. Do either of you realize the position you're putting her mother in? Asking her to choose between her kids and her step kids? That is horrific.

You don't have to like or respect the step siblings. You do have to be polite and kind.

Remember, your children are learning how to treat their relatives NY watching your actions.

A mother wouldn't naturally pick her own kids over her step kids? Do mothers not distinguish between the two? I find that hard to believe and the furthest thing from "horrific".

[Anonymous]

Is it just the existence of the step siblings that bothers your almost 40-year-old wife? Or are they truly objectionable, like Trump supporters, gun nuts, crude or belchers or something like that.

Some sort of compromise might be in order by your wife and her mother: limited holiday together time, one on one time, and maybe some times where the mother and her husband are invited to your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem isn’t the in-laws. The problem is your wife’s discomfort with saying no and meaning it.

They want her to participate in the happy-family charade. She gets to choose:
1) Go along with the charade and spend her free time with the steps and get minimum guilt trips
2) Set clear boundaries about what she wants and deal with the fallout.
3) Do a slow fade from that whole half of the family, which lessens but does not extinguish the fallout.

In my case, I have done the slow fade from both of my divorced parents. They both seem to prefer their replacement families with kids who they never had to actually parent and who therefore don’t have any baggage and are happy to just keep it all light and breezy and never ask for or expect any support from my parents.

I see my mom a few times a year when she visits from the west coast to see my brother’s kids. I see my dad 1-2 times a year even though he is local.

+1 Your wife needs to choose. And there will be tradeoffs. That's called being an adult. There's no "right" answer, and your wife will need to figure out how much she really dislikes her step-siblings and how much of a big deal she wants to make out of this vs. (3).

[Anonymous]

And this is why people who advocate for divorce for specious reasons (I’m not happy, the spark is gone, I deserve a partner who truly loves me) irritate me. Divorce is real and forever and generally makes your kids less happy. Blended families are complicated and not generally an improvement.

As for your wife, she can ask and invite just who she wats to see and the invited can decide if that’s acceptable or not. That’s how invitations work. I feel bad for your wife. My husband’s parents are divorced and he’s had four step parents, all of whom he’s strongly disliked. It’s every holiday, every gathering. I feel for her.

[Anonymous]

Your mother gets to invite anyone she wants to HER a home. Do you ever invite your mother and her husband to your home? When you initiate the inviting, you do not have to include your step siblings.

[Anonymous]

This is why I will never get remarried. I love my adult children too much for this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

It is reasonable and expected that your siblings will partner up and in many cases those partners become the blood relative of your nieces and nephews and become even more closely bonded to the family. It is an annoying extension of the trauma of divorce that you not only have to accept step parents, but then step-siblings and their spouses and their children, none of whom share your blood, or your life experiences (speaking of steps who join the family as adults).

It’s very very different. I have a cousin who is like a sister and her husband is annoying but I love my cousin and her kids so I tolerate him. 4 people I love come with one annoying guy I am not close to, so it’s worth it. My dad on the other hand has a hot mess of a wife with three kids from three different relationships, all of whom have their own kids and assorted partners. So in order to spend time with my dad during a major holiday, I have to be around 7 annoying adults and 5 kids I barely know. That’s a 1:12 ratio of loved:annoying, vs. my cousin’s family which is 4:1.

Doing that math doesn’t make me the jerk. It means that I quite reasonably don’t find as much enjoyment in those visits and so I almost never go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it. If my dad wants to live his own life he can, but there are tradeoffs and this is one of them.

+1. There is a different social expectation that emanates (in many cases) from the parents of the “blended family” to the new siblings. While late-in-life blending (20s) probably is a lot like the in-law scenario, when the kids are younger, even late teens, it’s a totally different animal. If you say to someone “my brother in law Larlo is a jerk” , nobody bats an eye. The jerk brother in law is a trope. If you say “Larlo my stepbrother is a jerk,” you get a lot of “geez, late 40s and someone is still not over the divorce.” It’s subtle but maddening, and while in theory we should all be mature adults and able to deal with things, in practice it is an irritant that necessarily results in strains on your family in ways commiserating about Larla your bratty sister in law does not. Even a flatworm turns away from pain.

And yes, one must be civil with the blended siblings and never let a hint of your dislike show. But the only way to do that is to emotionally detach from how you feel about your family in general. It’s a great loss that you shouldn’t be too quick to pooh pooh if you haven’t been there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

It is reasonable and expected that your siblings will partner up and in many cases those partners become the blood relative of your nieces and nephews and become even more closely bonded to the family. It is an annoying extension of the trauma of divorce that you not only have to accept step parents, but then step-siblings and their spouses and their children, none of whom share your blood, or your life experiences (speaking of steps who join the family as adults).

It’s very very different. I have a cousin who is like a sister and her husband is annoying but I love my cousin and her kids so I tolerate him. 4 people I love come with one annoying guy I am not close to, so it’s worth it. My dad on the other hand has a hot mess of a wife with three kids from three different relationships, all of whom have their own kids and assorted partners. So in order to spend time with my dad during a major holiday, I have to be around 7 annoying adults and 5 kids I barely know. That’s a 1:12 ratio of loved:annoying, vs. my cousin’s family which is 4:1.

Doing that math doesn’t make me the jerk. It means that I quite reasonably don’t find as much enjoyment in those visits and so I almost never go. And I don’t have to feel guilty about it. If my dad wants to live his own life he can, but there are tradeoffs and this is one of them.

+1. There is a different social expectation that emanates (in many cases) from the parents of the “blended family” to the new siblings. While late-in-life blending (20s) probably is a lot like the in-law scenario, when the kids are younger, even late teens, it’s a totally different animal. If you say to someone “my brother in law Larlo is a jerk” , nobody bats an eye. The jerk brother in law is a trope. If you say “Larlo my stepbrother is a jerk,” you get a lot of “geez, late 40s and someone is still not over the divorce.” It’s subtle but maddening, and while in theory we should all be mature adults and able to deal with things, in practice it is an irritant that necessarily results in strains on your family in ways commiserating about Larla your bratty sister in law does not. Even a flatworm turns away from pain.

And yes, one must be civil with the blended siblings and never let a hint of your dislike show. But the only way to do that is to emotionally detach from how you feel about your family in general. It’s a great loss that you shouldn’t be too quick to pooh pooh if you haven’t been there.

1000x this. Anything less than a perfect smiling facade gets you shamed for having any non-positive opinions about your parents' divorce. The remarried parents insist that everyone play-act their roles in the "happy blended family" so that they can pretend to have the outcome they wanted. But of course nobody is truly happy and nobody is having the family they wanted. And we all know that if they divorced, these "sibling" relationships would vanish in an instant. It's all just so fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to expect separate holidays on Christmas Day and thanksgiving itself. But it should be fine to have dinners together on non holidays without the steps, trips without the steps of you visit them from out of town etc

This. Everyone can suck it up for holidays and large family events.

That is so mean. You want your FIL to choose between seeing his kids or his wife on Christmas, but your DW doesn’t need to choose. She gets to see sibs and mom. And you think that’s right? Sounds like the steps aren’t the problem, it’s your entitled and cruel wife.

Children of divorce have to choose between their parents on holidays. Wah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

Well, the difference is you almost never are forced to live in the same house as a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. But children of divorce are often forced to live with their step-siblings when they are minors (or even after). And because relatives accommodating your first marriage is a normal part of life. There's only so much patience and tolerance you can expect as you have second and third marriages. People just aren't going to be willing to put up with as much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes - being forced into a “blended family” sucks. People don’t want to hear this from ACODs but it’s true. I love my dad, but his later-in-life new wife’s 40-something son will never be my family or who i want to spend my free time with.

The thing is though the same thing can be said of an inlaw. Many people have siblings who marry people their siblings don't like. What's the difference? As people grow up, their immediate family expands to include non blood relatives as people get married. That's life. I can't stand my brother in law but I still have to spend holidays with him if I want to see my sister.

I do think it should be fine for op to spend time with her blood relatives only on non holidays. I am married to someone with teenage kids and I try to back off and give them the chance to have tons of time together - bike rides, camping trips, some dinners, walks. I don't feel like I need to be included in everything. It's normal for the kids to want alone time with their dad. If when they grow up they want to get dinner with him and not me, that's fine. He and I don't need to be attached at the hip 24-7.

Well, the difference is you almost never are forced to live in the same house as a brother-in-law or sister-in-law. But children of divorce are often forced to live with their step-siblings when they are minors (or even after). And because relatives accommodating your first marriage is a normal part of life. There's only so much patience and tolerance you can expect as you have second and third marriages. People just aren't going to be willing to put up with as much.

Because it's not just about disliking them. It's about the problems that they bring to a familiy. If my sibling married someone who was abusive or addicted or whatever, that would be a huge problem to me. Same if I had a step-sibling who brought those problems into my parent's household-- but all the more so because my parents are seniors, and are therefore vulnerable to intimidation and exploitation in a way that younger people aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to expect separate holidays on Christmas Day and thanksgiving itself. But it should be fine to have dinners together on non holidays without the steps, trips without the steps of you visit them from out of town etc

This. Everyone can suck it up for holidays and large family events.

That is so mean. You want your FIL to choose between seeing his kids or his wife on Christmas, but your DW doesn’t need to choose. She gets to see sibs and mom. And you think that’s right? Sounds like the steps aren’t the problem, it’s your entitled and cruel wife.

Children of divorce have to choose between their parents on holidays. Wah.

Not if the parents can come together and spend the holiday together. This isn't something that needs to happen. It's happening because the wife is a jerk. Her needs supersede everyone else's needs. She needs to get over herself and be an adult. Wah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s fair to expect separate holidays on Christmas Day and thanksgiving itself. But it should be fine to have dinners together on non holidays without the steps, trips without the steps of you visit them from out of town etc

This. Everyone can suck it up for holidays and large family events.

That is so mean. You want your FIL to choose between seeing his kids or his wife on Christmas, but your DW doesn’t need to choose. She gets to see sibs and mom. And you think that’s right? Sounds like the steps aren’t the problem, it’s your entitled and cruel wife.

Children of divorce have to choose between their parents on holidays. Wah.

Not if the parents can come together and spend the holiday together. This isn't something that needs to happen. It's happening because the wife is a jerk. Her needs supersede everyone else's needs. She needs to get over herself and be an adult. Wah.

Read the OP, moron. This isn't her parents "coming together" to spend the holiday, it's her mom and stepdad and all his brood. Does it hurt to be so dumb?

Sorry, OP, I feel for your wife. Her mom is a selfish person and parent and that sucks for your wife and for you, who love her. She can try talking to her mom again (or heck, maybe you even can - this woman sounds like the kind of person who might take advice better from a man although that said, of course if you are a same-sex couple my apologies and obviously disregard this) but just accepting that she isn't going to be able to see her again as just a mother-daughter may be the only option. Maybe the stepparent will pass away soon.