Anyone here have 4 kids and both parents work outside the home?

[Anonymous]

We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

I'm not the OP, but I don't understand why this is an odd question. You mentioned several factors that might make having four kids more manageable, including having a nanny, a spread in ages, using an older sibling to watch the younger one, scheduling carpools with other parents, and having flexible and not very demanding jobs.

I have three kids who are close in age and did not have family help or a nanny and can absolutely say that without family or paid help, help, parenting three can be difficult to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

I'm not the OP, but I don't understand why this is an odd question. You mentioned several factors that might make having four kids more manageable, including having a nanny, a spread in ages, using an older sibling to watch the younger one, scheduling carpools with other parents, and having flexible and not very demanding jobs.

I have three kids who are close in age and did not have family help or a nanny and can absolutely say that without family or paid help, help, parenting three can be difficult to manage.

So why is this question specific to parents with 4 kids? 3 are hard, even 2 can be hard under certain circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be okay when they are little. It will get exponentially more difficult when they are older

Agree with this. When they're young you can get away with hiring things out with a good nanny (or two). Everyone just needs to sleep, be fed, taken to preschool. Easy peasy.
Easy to pay someone to do it.

It gets NUTS when they're older and have school obligations and extracurriculars that they want a parent to attend. High school is even more nuts in my experience. We have three kids and two working
parents and it often feels like we're running a small country.

[Anonymous]

Me! I agree it is getting harder as my kids get older (currently 7, 6, 5 and 2) and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on.

My husband works 7 AM - 6 PM and maybe a few hours on the weekend. When he comes home at 6 PM, he pitches in with the kids. He does A LOT on the weekends (we have no care on the weekends).

I have a SUPER flexible, WFH job (consultant). Many of my clients are in Asia so most nights I work from 8 PM - 11 PM. During the day, I squeeze it in when I can and then make up whatever I need to at night. I don't work weekends, because KIDS.

We have no family help, but we have always had a nanny, babysitters, au pair, whatever. Right now I have the older kids in camps during the day and a mothers helper who stays until 730 PM weeknights. You can't work and not have help!

I have had to get very flexible on childcare. I know every drop in daycare. I have used apps, FB groups, etc. to find care. It's exhausting but necessary with four kids and a career!

I don't recommend it... I have pretty much no life outside my kids, my job and my husband. Likely will retire from work sooner rather than later - but holding on as long as I can, because I do like my job (I've been doing it 15 years).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

It's odd that you find the question odd.

I tend to think anytime the parents are outnumbered that it's a lot of kids.
Everyone doesn't have a flexible job nor can they afford a nanny so when you take that out of the equation, wondering how it can be done without a SAH parent is a pretty valid question.

2 kids was the norm for the longest time and slowly but surely 3 is becoming more of a norm. 4 is unusual for my circle so it's all relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

I'm not the OP, but I don't understand why this is an odd question. You mentioned several factors that might make having four kids more manageable, including having a nanny, a spread in ages, using an older sibling to watch the younger one, scheduling carpools with other parents, and having flexible and not very demanding jobs.

I have three kids who are close in age and did not have family help or a nanny and can absolutely say that without family or paid help, help, parenting three can be difficult to manage.

So why is this question specific to parents with 4 kids? 3 are hard, even 2 can be hard under certain circumstances.

Do you have kids? As a parent of three, the answer to this question is blindingly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do. There is a spread in the kids ages. We have no outside help anymore - when they were smaller, we had a nanny. Now camps in the summer. Occasionally older one watches younger one, but that is rare and we pay $ when that happens.

Very little family help. Maybe once a season we ask for help. No extra help from neighbors.

We schedule car pools with other parents, but we do our fair share of the driving in the carpools.

We both have very flexible jobs and neither one of us has an overly demanding job.

I actually know several families with 4 kids where both parents work, so I find this to be an odd question.

It's odd that you find the question odd.

I tend to think anytime the parents are outnumbered that it's a lot of kids.
Everyone doesn't have a flexible job nor can they afford a nanny so when you take that out of the equation, wondering how it can be done without a SAH parent is a pretty valid question.

2 kids was the norm for the longest time and slowly but surely 3 is becoming more of a norm. 4 is unusual for my circle so it's all relative.

For whom?Upper middle class white people?

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and we have a live in nanny plus a weekly housekeeper. Impossible without both and it’s helpful that I have a husband who pulls his weight. My oldest is only 8 and I’m concerned about when he and the others get to MS and their world gets bigger and they get exposed to risky behaviors. My parents both worked and my mom made a career change when we were in MS to be local and have more flexibility and I think it really helped us.

[Anonymous]

Four kids. As others have mentioned the younger years are easy - we did daycare and just made it work. DH works a lot and my job is more flexible but we were both WOHP before COVID. All of our kids have some mild to moderate special needs and usually at least a couple are seeing therapists/tutors/etc.

We have in and got a nanny this year (youngest is 4). The elementary years are brutal with kids wanting to do activities. I can’t be in multiple places at once and out dinner on the table and help with homework (DH works until 7 pm most nights). Nanny makes it all possible now. I anticipate having a nanny until the youngest can drive.

FWIW my job has some flexibility, but I don’t need to work, I want to work - DH makes plenty to support us. That matters to me because on days when I feel like it’s all just too much I really can think about quitting. I haven’t yet, but it’s nice to know it my choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

Yea you are totally missing something! Your baby and your toddler are being cared for full time, year round by one nanny. Take four kids, whose care (school) ends at 3pm and over the course of the school week add in 12 activities (3 per kid) that they need to be driven to. Now register four kids for summer camps. Now fill out all the paperwork. Now plan two birthday parties. Now map out your Saturday sports schedule and carpools. It’s not even close to the same thing! Managing laundry alone for four kids is a ton- and they do eventually grow out of the nanny stage. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s certainly rare for both parents to work full time with four kids. Hats off to those who make it work. I don’t have the right temperament!

[Anonymous]

I’m the youngest of four. My mom went back to work when I was in pre-k. No nanny or full time housekeeper (cleaning lady 2x weekly) but she worked close to home with a flexible schedule. My dad had a big career in the city and wasn’t home that much. My mom claims she enjoyed it but she was also so stressed so much of the time and my parents marriage definitely took a hit.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids and we both work. My DH always had the higher paying, more stressful job, and for many years it was not at all flexible. (Now it’s much more flexible). My job was always part time, so I’m not sure we “count” for the OP.

Our kids were all two years apart and in the early years we used a part time nanny and had a twice monthly cleaner. We did all our own cooking. My DH pitched in a LOT on evenings and weekends. I would work when the sitter was here and then on the weekends/evenings. No local family help at all.

Now that my kids are teens and beyond, having more kids actually makes my life easier since the big kids can drive the younger ones to practice/rehearsal etc. Nowadays I only have the cleaner once/month, since my kids (and us) all pitch in to clean. I have always let my kids be more independent than parents with fewer kids. Sort of by necessity but also bc that’s my parenting philosophy.

If I had had a FT job we wouldn’t have been able to work it out this way. We’d have needed way more help. I do wish we had the bank account now of a full dual income family but I am glad I kept working even part time over the last 20 years… That I have my own thing etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

How old are your kids? I used to feel like you and I still believe that my kids early years were easier for me working (and them in daycare) than if I had stayed at home. So I agree. But, now that my kids are school aged I'm realizing just how much the world is not set up for two working parents. Camps end at 4 pm. School events are at 10 am. Practices are at 5 pm. My work day is the easiest part of the day but sometimes I feel like I'm running all over town trying to keep up with it all and I only have two.

If my kids were in school 9-3 and then I was actually available in the afternoon for pickups, homework, extracurriculars, etc, I'm convinced that would be easier than my current situation. But when they were 1 and 3? Yeah hell no you couldn't drag me away from my job if you tried. It was my lifeline in those years.

Anyway this is ultimately why I only have two. I would gladly do the baby and little years again, but I just can't fathom adding another full sized human + all of their interests and busy schedule into my life.

DP. I agree with you, but I guess that I felt like once I figured out how to make my job work to get to 8am drop-off, random mid-day school events, 3pm pick-up, and choir and soccer practice in the evening, it didn’t really matter how many how many kids I was dropping off or picking up or taking to piano lessons.

In some ways 4 kids isn’t any harder than two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

How old are your kids? I used to feel like you and I still believe that my kids early years were easier for me working (and them in daycare) than if I had stayed at home. So I agree. But, now that my kids are school aged I'm realizing just how much the world is not set up for two working parents. Camps end at 4 pm. School events are at 10 am. Practices are at 5 pm. My work day is the easiest part of the day but sometimes I feel like I'm running all over town trying to keep up with it all and I only have two.

If my kids were in school 9-3 and then I was actually available in the afternoon for pickups, homework, extracurriculars, etc, I'm convinced that would be easier than my current situation. But when they were 1 and 3? Yeah hell no you couldn't drag me away from my job if you tried. It was my lifeline in those years.

Anyway this is ultimately why I only have two. I would gladly do the baby and little years again, but I just can't fathom adding another full sized human + all of their interests and busy schedule into my life.

DP. I agree with you, but I guess that I felt like once I figured out how to make my job work to get to 8am drop-off, random mid-day school events, 3pm pick-up, and choir and soccer practice in the evening, it didn’t really matter how many how many kids I was dropping off or picking up or taking to piano lessons.

In some ways 4 kids isn’t any harder than two.

Do you have 4?