Anyone here have 4 kids and both parents work outside the home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

How old are your kids? I used to feel like you and I still believe that my kids early years were easier for me working (and them in daycare) than if I had stayed at home. So I agree. But, now that my kids are school aged I'm realizing just how much the world is not set up for two working parents. Camps end at 4 pm. School events are at 10 am. Practices are at 5 pm. My work day is the easiest part of the day but sometimes I feel like I'm running all over town trying to keep up with it all and I only have two.

If my kids were in school 9-3 and then I was actually available in the afternoon for pickups, homework, extracurriculars, etc, I'm convinced that would be easier than my current situation. But when they were 1 and 3? Yeah hell no you couldn't drag me away from my job if you tried. It was my lifeline in those years.

Anyway this is ultimately why I only have two. I would gladly do the baby and little years again, but I just can't fathom adding another full sized human + all of their interests and busy schedule into my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

How old are your kids? I used to feel like you and I still believe that my kids early years were easier for me working (and them in daycare) than if I had stayed at home. So I agree. But, now that my kids are school aged I'm realizing just how much the world is not set up for two working parents. Camps end at 4 pm. School events are at 10 am. Practices are at 5 pm. My work day is the easiest part of the day but sometimes I feel like I'm running all over town trying to keep up with it all and I only have two.

If my kids were in school 9-3 and then I was actually available in the afternoon for pickups, homework, extracurriculars, etc, I'm convinced that would be easier than my current situation. But when they were 1 and 3? Yeah hell no you couldn't drag me away from my job if you tried. It was my lifeline in those years.

Anyway this is ultimately why I only have two. I would gladly do the baby and little years again, but I just can't fathom adding another full sized human + all of their interests and busy schedule into my life.

This is also why we stopped at 2. Plenty of people seem to make it work with 3 but I couldn’t see how it would for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

How old are your kids? I used to feel like you and I still believe that my kids early years were easier for me working (and them in daycare) than if I had stayed at home. So I agree. But, now that my kids are school aged I'm realizing just how much the world is not set up for two working parents. Camps end at 4 pm. School events are at 10 am. Practices are at 5 pm. My work day is the easiest part of the day but sometimes I feel like I'm running all over town trying to keep up with it all and I only have two.

If my kids were in school 9-3 and then I was actually available in the afternoon for pickups, homework, extracurriculars, etc, I'm convinced that would be easier than my current situation. But when they were 1 and 3? Yeah hell no you couldn't drag me away from my job if you tried. It was my lifeline in those years.

Anyway this is ultimately why I only have two. I would gladly do the baby and little years again, but I just can't fathom adding another full sized human + all of their interests and busy schedule into my life.

I have three but it is definitely harder now that they are rising K, 3, 5 graders. I only allow one sport/activity a season for each kid, but it still gets really hairy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

DH and I both WFH most of the time and have flexible jobs. We also have three kids. We debated a fourth but stopped at three mostly because of the reason the OP is asking: I thought it would be too hard to have four kids with two parents who work FT.

What you’re missing is that with each additional kid, the uncertainty increases. On a micro level: random sicknesses, injuries, bad days, crappy sleepers, etc. On a macro level: special needs, significant medical issues, normal needs of any individual child for attention and nurturing. Also, while the toddler and baby years are physically exhausting, as they get older, the logistics become more challenging. Each kid makes the logistics substantially harder. When our kids were little we were wiped out, absolutely, but we also had fantastic day care coverage, most days, from 7:30 - 6:30pm if we needed it (we rarely needed it).

What you’re also missing is that if you’re a SAHP to four kids, yes, you’re probably exhausted by day’s end, but you likely also have the bandwidth to cover the random sick days, school projects, etc., in a way that most working parents, even with lots of flexibility, don’t have. So, yeah.

PP is so right.. we have a kid in upper elementary and they have activities they are interested in and we need to work around that you can't just put them in full time care or any camp per your convenience like when they are little. When it was just me I had to manage around my various activities. Then with DH it was working around both our schedules. With each additional person the logistical complexity increases and I wouldn't willingly sign up for more than 2 kids. Of course you can say we can't do that because schedule conflicts but the more kids there are the more chances that will happen with both parents working FT. When I was a kid we lived in a small town and I used to bike myself to after school activities and sports etc. everything was close by. But that is not the case today with kid activities and someone needs to drive them everywhere. Having a nanny helps but still when you have 4 kids with various interests that's a lot for 2 working parents to manage.

[Anonymous]

My son had a kindergarten classmate with two working parents and 4 kids. Let's just say the baby had a noticeably misshapen head because child was laying in the carseat all day and the nanny couldn't be bothered to change that repose.
The parents obviously couldn't be bothered either.
That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

I have four kids that are all teenagers now. I opted to stay home with my kids. I am a lawyer and my hours were so long. We would have definitely needed 2 nannies.

[Anonymous]

A fair amount of yelling. Kits from Hobby Lobby. Some family support - one set of parents who live with us and somewhat contribute (both are full time themselves), and another set that is close and takes some combination of kids a couple times a week. One parent in the office, the other works out of the home and should be frantically finishing up a project right now instead of gadding about on DCUM.

We did SAHP when the kids were younger, though. It would be very hard otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not me. But I want to throw something out there: it's always assumed in these kinds of threads that X family situation (particularly a lot of kids) is "too hard" or "too complicated" for both parents to be working.

Am I the only one for whom working is easier? My nanny's job is definitely harder than mine!

I work full time, so does my husband. We both have a lot of flexibility. I ostensibly work 40 hours a week, 9-5. But honestly, with breaks, and doing some personal tasks (laundry, phone calls, emails) I probably only put in about six hours a day (which I know research has show is about the high water mark for thought/strategic desk work, so I don't think I'm THAT far out of the mainstream). One of us works from home each day, the other is in the office (we alternate). I don't make a ton, but more than enough to cover the nanny. I have a baby and a toddler, and we'll probably have a third down the line. The nanny keeps the house straightened up.

If I were watching the kids all day, I'd be exhausted at days end, and with no folded laundry to show for it.

I know I'm lucky that my job isn't that stressful and we can afford a nanny. But I don't think this is a total unicorn situation. Am I missing something here?

The fact that both of you have flexible jobs is key. That might be what you are missing.

[Anonymous]

Yes.
But how do we make it work is an odd question to me - it works because it has to work. We can't get by on one income and we can't go back on the decision to have 4
There are things that help - staggered work schedules, flexibility to work from home or take some time off, being intentional about kids activities, kids raised to be as independent as possible, reliable child care arrangements.

[Anonymous]

I know a family with 4 kids and both parents work. One is part-time and seems to have a lot of flexibility. They have an au pair and arrange car pools for the older kids' school pick up and drop off. They are pretty schedule-oriented people, but then again I suppose you need to be! It's a bit chaotic at times but they seem to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.
But how do we make it work is an odd question to me - it works because it has to work. We can't get by on one income and we can't go back on the decision to have 4
There are things that help - staggered work schedules, flexibility to work from home or take some time off, being intentional about kids activities, kids raised to be as independent as possible, reliable child care arrangements.

The bolded is what people mean by "how does it work." They want specifics.

I'll also gently push back on the notion that it "has to work." It doesn't. Kids fall through the cracks all the time because families don't have enough support. There's a wide spectrum between optimal and CPS being called regularly, and plenty of room for things to be closer to the latter end than the former.

[Anonymous]

We do. DH is self-employed with a lot of flexibility. I WAHM 3 days/week and have some flexibility also. We use daycare for the baby and have extra babysitters as needed. We also have grandparents who help out during odd days off from school and some vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do. DH is self-employed with a lot of flexibility. I WAHM 3 days/week and have some flexibility also. We use daycare for the baby and have extra babysitters as needed. We also have grandparents who help out during odd days off from school and some vacations.

Just realized maybe I don't meet your WOHM criteria. My job used to be WOHM before COVID, then went fully remote, now is hybrid. So I still think of myself as WOHM, even though that isn't fully true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.
But how do we make it work is an odd question to me - it works because it has to work. We can't get by on one income and we can't go back on the decision to have 4
There are things that help - staggered work schedules, flexibility to work from home or take some time off, being intentional about kids activities, kids raised to be as independent as possible, reliable child care arrangements.

The bolded is what people mean by "how does it work." They want specifics.

I'll also gently push back on the notion that it "has to work." It doesn't. Kids fall through the cracks all the time because families don't have enough support. There's a wide spectrum between optimal and CPS being called regularly, and plenty of room for things to be closer to the latter end than the former.

PP you are replying to. Yes, that's what I am talking about. Some families would think it suboptimal that my kids aren't enrolled in a lot of activities or I make them walk or take public transportation a lot. That wouldn't "work" for them, it wouldn't be an acceptable compromise.

[Anonymous]

I know one family with five children and a parent who has complicated medical issues. That family has a daytime nanny, an after school/early evening nanny, and a weekend nanny.