How to raise healthy, well adjusted and functional adults?

[Anonymous]

Marry the right person.

I realized, when my kids became older teens, that I was married to someone who can't handle a child becoming their own person. When they start to separate and become independent, no longer finding everything Dad says to be gospel, have their own ideas, my husband hasn't been able to accept that. I guess deep down he has narcissistic tendencies that came to the surface when our kids reached this point, and now I worry how that will affect them down the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I raised my children to question everything, to read everything, to research everything, to stand strong on their personal convictions, to work hard and cheerfully, that nothing is free in this world, and if it's worth having, it's worth working for, and I do not pay for college. That is an adult responsibility, and at 18, you are an adult. I told my kids to live their lives their way, to live below their means and be practical, buy good, used vehicles and learn to fix them yourself, keep God as your fixed point, and drive it like you stole it. If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out. My youngest is almost 17 and my oldest is 30. 4 boys, 2 girls, six grandchildren, my five oldest are independent adults who do not need me. I am free to go my own way and do my own thing, because they have been taught well and they all hit the ground running before 18. My 17 yr old works full time and handles all of his business without my input. He's moving out in 2 months. He's ready to fly.

I really wish I could speak with your kids and see what they think about your parenting and their relationship with you now that they are grown. Saying you do not pay for college because you have 6 kids and can't afford it is one thing, but saying "that's an adult responsibility?" that's crazy talk. So, do you know what would your kids say about your parenting?

College is an adult responsibility- you get a job or multiple jobs, save your money in high school, go into the military first, pick a community college or fast track career to get started if you have to, or pick a trade or technical career or take out loans. If parents pay for your college you have been given a great gift and all too many kids these days just think it’s expected that their parents do this for them and don’t realize what a gift it actually is. The PP is absolutely right, at 18 a person should be able to make it on their own if you raised them right. Of course they’ll fail sometimes and struggle at first but they’ll never soar if you never let them fly.

Well success for me as a parent is for them to get a college degree and into a job they enjoy. I don’t want to discourage them going to college by putting up financial roadblocks. No kid can pay even the in state tuition to a good school. Mine could never have earned $120k for four years of college but I can. That’s my role as their parent, to set them up to be successful. But I guess if you do not think college is where your kid should, I suppose you’d behave in this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone can give this advice OP. Everyone's child is different. Mine were perfect (in my eyes) until 18 and now DD has some serious mental health challenges that I did not see coming, other than the fact that my DH also has similar issues. She was the perfect DD, top grades, top athlete but it's all unraveling now. Nothing I could have done to stop it but have to get her through it.

You just have to support them the best you can and try to be there for them unconditionally.

I'm sorry pp. We all like to think we have a lot more control than we really do. It's not that what we do doesn't matter, it does. But genes are incredibly powerful and temperament, personality, and risk factors for mental illness are a good bit out of our control. We also can't always control whether our child will experience a trauma that may impact how they see the world. So many things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone can give this advice OP. Everyone's child is different. Mine were perfect (in my eyes) until 18 and now DD has some serious mental health challenges that I did not see coming, other than the fact that my DH also has similar issues. She was the perfect DD, top grades, top athlete but it's all unraveling now. Nothing I could have done to stop it but have to get her through it.

You just have to support them the best you can and try to be there for them unconditionally.

The most well adjusted adults have a major set back at sometime and work through it. It’s a gift to learn this while still young. Good luck in helping her navigate this difficult time.

Those that skate through life and have their 1st set back later in life often fall apart because they never learn coping mechanisms.

Again, good luck! Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

Do not baby your kids and let them problem solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone can give this advice OP. Everyone's child is different. Mine were perfect (in my eyes) until 18 and now DD has some serious mental health challenges that I did not see coming, other than the fact that my DH also has similar issues. She was the perfect DD, top grades, top athlete but it's all unraveling now. Nothing I could have done to stop it but have to get her through it.

You just have to support them the best you can and try to be there for them unconditionally.

I'm sorry pp. We all like to think we have a lot more control than we really do. It's not that what we do doesn't matter, it does. But genes are incredibly powerful and temperament, personality, and risk factors for mental illness are a good bit out of our control. We also can't always control whether our child will experience a trauma that may impact how they see the world. So many things.

Thanks, actually she was just diagnosed (today) with ADHD which probably explains alot of the issues she has been having these past few years.

[Anonymous]

There's a book for that!

https://www.amazon.com/How-Raise-Adult-Overparenting-Prepare/dp/1250093635/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=how+to+raise+an+adult&qid=1658442700&s=books&sprefix=How+to+raise%2Cstripbooks%2C151&sr=1-1

This is extremely good. I read it when my kids were early elementary school and still reference concepts from it as they are teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I raised my children to question everything, to read everything, to research everything, to stand strong on their personal convictions, to work hard and cheerfully, that nothing is free in this world, and if it's worth having, it's worth working for, and I do not pay for college. That is an adult responsibility, and at 18, you are an adult. I told my kids to live their lives their way, to live below their means and be practical, buy good, used vehicles and learn to fix them yourself, keep God as your fixed point, and drive it like you stole it. If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out. My youngest is almost 17 and my oldest is 30. 4 boys, 2 girls, six grandchildren, my five oldest are independent adults who do not need me. I am free to go my own way and do my own thing, because they have been taught well and they all hit the ground running before 18. My 17 yr old works full time and handles all of his business without my input. He's moving out in 2 months. He's ready to fly.

you are so full of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please share all your strategies, tips and tricks!

Give small humans gift of time and love to see them grow in healthy, happy, productive, ethical adults.

[Anonymous]

Let them fail and don't freak out when they do - your job should be to guide them to manage failure and build confidence, teach them to value their friendships and encourage social development - at the end of the day the way they are socially will dictate later success as much as school, don't over schedule and let them do the activities they want even if they would not be your choice, let them have fun and respect their privacy

[Anonymous]

Spend everyday time with them. The best conversations are on road trips (no eye contact when you're the driver makes it easier for them to talk openly) or at bedtime when it's dark.

Watch their friend group closely. Their social circle is a huge predictor of what direction they'll take. Get to know the other kids and their families as much as possible. They are extra sets of eyes and ears for you.

Don't be afraid to have them feel bad or hurt. Being corrected/told no never feels good but it sometimes has to happen. And yes, let them fail. It's easier to help them pick themselves up and learn mistakes are not the end of the world when they're 10 instead of 30! Resilience is a critical life skill!

Please also teach them to be kind. Caring about others is more than doing service. It's accepting that sometimes someone else's needs come first or taking some lumps on behalf of another. Our quest to look out for ourselves and put our well-being first is tipping way to far toward outright selfishness.

Genuinely compliment the good qualities you see in them often. Pride in those things is just as important - I'd argue more so - than recognizing academic, social, or athletic achievements.

[Anonymous]

It is easy to be smug. Sink or swim is great if you have a swimmer. Some kids just aren’t as resilient and need extra time and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I raised my children to question everything, to read everything, to research everything, to stand strong on their personal convictions, to work hard and cheerfully, that nothing is free in this world, and if it's worth having, it's worth working for, and I do not pay for college. That is an adult responsibility, and at 18, you are an adult. I told my kids to live their lives their way, to live below their means and be practical, buy good, used vehicles and learn to fix them yourself, keep God as your fixed point, and drive it like you stole it. If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out. My youngest is almost 17 and my oldest is 30. 4 boys, 2 girls, six grandchildren, my five oldest are independent adults who do not need me. I am free to go my own way and do my own thing, because they have been taught well and they all hit the ground running before 18. My 17 yr old works full time and handles all of his business without my input. He's moving out in 2 months. He's ready to fly.

What does that mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I raised my children to question everything, to read everything, to research everything, to stand strong on their personal convictions, to work hard and cheerfully, that nothing is free in this world, and if it's worth having, it's worth working for, and I do not pay for college. That is an adult responsibility, and at 18, you are an adult. I told my kids to live their lives their way, to live below their means and be practical, buy good, used vehicles and learn to fix them yourself, keep God as your fixed point, and drive it like you stole it. If you get arrested, I'm not bailing you out. My youngest is almost 17 and my oldest is 30. 4 boys, 2 girls, six grandchildren, my five oldest are independent adults who do not need me. I am free to go my own way and do my own thing, because they have been taught well and they all hit the ground running before 18. My 17 yr old works full time and handles all of his business without my input. He's moving out in 2 months. He's ready to fly.

You didn't go to college or you are 1st gen via military, if that. Amirite?

[Anonymous]

SERIOUS QUESTION: How do you teach your kids critical thinking skills?

I have always been an extremely analytical and skeptical person. I'm sure part of this was learned from my parents, but part of it is definitely my personality. How have you taught your children to be critical thinkers?