How to raise healthy, well adjusted and functional adults?
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Anonymous
That's just spiteful if you have the means to help them. The system expects parents with means to help pay for college. Your kids have to report your income on all financial aid forms. Not helping them with that expense is contrary to the expectations of society and drastically limits, or at least hinders, them entering into successful careers. Nice job. 
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Anonymous
| There is no magic formula and you don't need to be obsessed with their future, focus on and enjoy today with them, future will work itself out. |
Anonymous
| 18 is not biological adult it’s a legal adult |
Anonymous
| If you can then pay for college and grad/professional school. It makes their lives so much easier. |
Anonymous
I really wish I could speak with your kids and see what they think about your parenting and their relationship with you now that they are grown. Saying you do not pay for college because you have 6 kids and can't afford it is one thing, but saying "that's an adult responsibility?" that's crazy talk. So, do you know what would your kids say about your parenting? |
Anonymous
LOL! Or their kids are current 5 years old. |
Anonymous
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I don't think anyone can give this advice OP. Everyone's child is different. Mine were perfect (in my eyes) until 18 and now DD has some serious mental health challenges that I did not see coming, other than the fact that my DH also has similar issues. She was the perfect DD, top grades, top athlete but it's all unraveling now. Nothing I could have done to stop it but have to get her through it.
You just have to support them the best you can and try to be there for them unconditionally. |
Anonymous
Agree. My parents paid for undergrad. They were not well off and expected me to attend a public, in-state school (I did) and chip in somewhat toward my living expenses (rent, etc. -- I did) by working, as long as it didn't affect my grades. I think that is reasonable. They would have expected me to pay for my own grad school. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
Kids absolutely should contribute something to their expenses. Constantly “making their lives easier” is the recipe for failure. Think about it. |
Anonymous
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Teach them to do chores, cook, fully clean a house, and do basic house maintenance by age 13. If something breaks have them watch you fix it and help if they can. Take them to the store with you to pick out the right parts, show them how to navigate the world. Have them ask someone where to find something. Have them pay for things with cash so they learn what things cost and can physically see it and learn to count change and calculate tax. Teach them functional math skills through daily interactions like this.
When they’re very young let them sit in and listen to discussions about bills and budgeting and finances. As they get older discuss why you make some decisions or spend money some places and not others. Teach them about priorities and needs vs. wants. Give them an allowance and use it to teach them money skills. As they get older teach them about investing and retirement accounts and credit scores and bank accounts. Life skills they will need when you’re not always around. Teach them reading and writing skills early in life, teach them independence with toileting and dressing early in life. These should be learned before kindergarten. Teach them to fold laundry and wash their own clothes. They can start helping with this at age 3 or so. Take them with you as you do things and show them. Washing clothes, washing dishes, grocery shopping, choosing produce, do everything with them and teach them to do it themselves. Keep up with their academic skills, don’t expect the school just to teach everything. Communicate regularly with teachers, check in, do homework with them or check homework daily. Keep track of their strengths and weaknesses and help them improve, get extra help early if they need it. If you can volunteer at the school do so as it will help you get to know them and their peers better. Take them to the library regularly from a young age. Read to them daily until they are reading daily themselves. Ask them questions about life, help them find the answers or research topics of interest instead of just always giving them the answer. Explore nature and let them see how things change seasonally, teach them about weather and how nature works. Teach them to hunt or gather food, to can or preserve food for winter, to plant and care for a garden, to cook meals using very little or what you have in the pantry. Teach them basic kitchen substitutions. Teach them to survive in times of abundance and times of scarcity. If you have lots of money don’t raise them to be spoiled and unable to do things themselves or always expect that life will be this grand. Teach them to help those less fortunate regardless of your own wealth, income, or resources. No matter how little you have someone else always has less and you can bless them with something even if it only seems little to you it could mean the world to them. Don’t just do this once a year, make it a part of your ongoing lives. Giving to others in small ways, you will always receive back in abundance. Teach them about directions and how to get places without gps. Teach them to navigate using the sun and stars, and how to guess the time using the sun. Teach them to look where they’re going when they’re in the car and teach them about road signs and rules of the road much earlier than you think they need to know this. Teach them situational awareness skills and how to stay calm under pressure. Teach them to look at their surroundings and notice things that aren’t right. Teach them to look for exits when they walk in a building. Teach them how to watch people’s behaviors and sense danger and leave safely. Teach them good first aid skills so they can care for illnesses and basic first aid themselves. Teach them how to call 911 and know their name address and parents names and phone numbers very early in life. Also how not to talk to strangers, how to cross a street, what to do if they get lost in a store, etc starting at a very young age. These lessons take time and have to be repeated often. Grab a friend your kids don’t know and test them to see how they react to strangers. Teach them to be kind but not pushovers. Teach them to be good friends and share toys and be a gracious host. Always, always know who their friends are especially as they get older and friends have more influence than parents. Teach them to greet people and make small talk with adults and how to politely leave a room. Teach them table manners at home so they know how to use them when they’re out. When kids are young basically how they act at home will be how they act when in public so you sometimes have to be more strict about behavior until they learn there’s a time and place to do certain things. Foster creativity and trying new things but don’t force them. Independence is key while also teaching them to be functioning adults. Discipline your kids though, don’t just let them run wild, independence isn’t the same thing as feral. It’s quite a balance, pick your battles and don’t tell them to do things unless you can follow through immediately. Empty threats just teach your kids not to listen to you. Well done discipline can be achieved by age 3 or 4. Be kind and gentle but keep rules very consistent until they know right from wrong then be slightly more lenient as they grow and mature. Set them up for success but also give them opportunities to fail and teach them how to work through failure. Use downtime like times in the car to listen to educational cds or books on tape or just have discussions about life. Don’t just throw them in the back seat and let them get lost in their devices.. I might expect that at 15 but that’s why you teach them things when they’re young and are more likely to listen and want to help and understand. Model the person you want them to become especially when they’re young. Don’t be hypocritical and tell them to do things you won’t do yourself, kids learn as much from watching ad from doing. Know that once puberty hits it’s kind of a free for all and you just hope you’ve raised them right so they make good decisions as they gain more independence. Never let them become disrespectful but give them enough leeway to fail terribly. Pick them up when they fall and discipline them accordingly and slowly let them regain the trust. If you’re asking at 16 how to get your child to listen to you more and be more respectful and load the dishwasher then that’s just a sign you missed a million teaching opportunities growing up. |
Anonymous
College is an adult responsibility- you get a job or multiple jobs, save your money in high school, go into the military first, pick a community college or fast track career to get started if you have to, or pick a trade or technical career or take out loans. If parents pay for your college you have been given a great gift and all too many kids these days just think it’s expected that their parents do this for them and don’t realize what a gift it actually is. The PP is absolutely right, at 18 a person should be able to make it on their own if you raised them right. Of course they’ll fail sometimes and struggle at first but they’ll never soar if you never let them fly. |
Anonymous
Well said. |
Anonymous
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In a sentence, allow them to fail.
At every developmental stage, btw, from infancy to late high school. This sounds overly simplistic -- letting the kid fall flat on her face -- but ppl who don't live in my ultra-privileged area might be amazed to learn that kids here are not permitted to make consequential mistakes. Ward 3 parents wrote the textbook on helicopter/snowplow parenting. Other parents in Scarsdale or Evanston or Bethesda may have contributed chapters but we own that shit. In a bad way. |
Anonymous
The goal of parenting isn't for kids to "make it on their own." Most kids who get help with college could manage this if they had to, but it is super short sighted. The goal is to launch them to be successful. In most cases that requires college and college financial aid expects kids to get help from parents. That's how the system is set up. |