Longer than Desired Age Gap between Kids
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Anonymous
| We are one and done, so I don't have first hand experience with this, but I'm 5 years older than my sister and my mother always raved about how nice it was because she didn't constantly have to have eyes on me, didn't have to pay for childcare for two kids at the same time (I was in public school), and could get me to help with the baby on some things, like if my sister just wanted to be held. I can see how it can be easier than having a toddler and a baby. |
Anonymous
| i have a 5 and a bit year gap. 2 DD's. It's GREAT. There is zero competition and the older one ADORES the younger. I was also so concerned and dealt with 3 years of IF so I get it but am so happy the way it worked out. I can trust the older one to do things on her own while I put the baby down and they have different friend groups that don't overlap which also makes party and playdate logistics clear and a non issue. |
Anonymous
| Dh and his sister have a five-year age gap. They weren't super close growing up but have a great relationship now. And MIL said it was much easier to not have to chase two around all the time. DH was in school by the time his sister was a toddler so she had a lot of time to spend one-on-one with each child. |
Anonymous
| Our kids are six years apart, due to secondary infertility and a long bureaucratic trail to adopt our younger child. In some ways, yes, it was like starting all over again to have a toddler and a second-grader. And it was interesting to be among the older parents at Back-to-School Night with our younger child after having been among the younger parents the first time around. But the kids are now 22 and 28 and they are good friends who are always there for each other. DH and I are grateful every day that we were able to complete our family through adoption. Whatever you and your partner choose, OP, I wish you all the best. |
Anonymous
| I have a six year gap between me and my sister. We're quite close as adults. When we were kids she did a lot with me (she taught me to ride a bike, after my Dad's attempts resulted in a lot of tears). |
Anonymous
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My two girls are exactly 6 years apart and the younger one worships the older one. We didn’t think we wanted a second child until our older DD turned 4 and then it took us over a year to get pregnant. I really love the gap for many of the reasons others have mentioned. My older one was already in elementary and had her own life. She was very independent and self sufficient which made it so much easier. Between school and after school activities many days she isn’t even around until after 5pm, so we could cater to the little one during the day without her feeling left out.
I think it’s always hard starting over with a baby even if it’s just a couple years later - it’s the juggling of 2 kids in general. I didn’t mind going back to bottles and diapers. The second time around you know how short lived it all is in the grand scheme of things. I will say I am a bit surprised at how much my girls fight, but they fight differently than my sister and I who are 2 years apart. The older one gets annoyed easily by the younger one who just wants to do everything she is doing and makes it her life’s mission to steal all her toys. |
Anonymous
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My girls are 4.5 years apart (we delayed trying due to job change / move and then secondary infertility). They’re 5.5 and almost 10 now. They play together but definitely frustrate each other. My older one has always been mature for her age and the younger one is very physical and impulsive so that can be hard but there’s a lot of love. Life would be easier with just my older one who’s increasingly independent. She spends hours at a time on play dates with her best friend while my 5 yr old still needs a lot of watching and attention.
My grandparents took a pause in having kids during the war years and then conceived my mom as soon as the war was over. As a result, her siblings were 11 years (girl), 8 and 6 years (boys) older than her. She always seemed to be close and have a loving relationship with them though her brothers went to boarding school for high school so she had a lot of years as the only one regularly at home. Despite that, she was able to have a good relationship. As adults she and my uncle 8 years older than her decided to live near one another. |
Anonymous
| Ours are 8 years apart due to secondary infertility …or so we thought. We gave up after many years and gave away all the baby stuff, and then I got pregnant unexpectedly. So we had to buy everything all over again and it’s been a loooonnng time since we had changed a diaper, but it’s great. They are so sweet with one another and the oldest can stay occupied with toys or a book while I deal with the baby. We do solo things with our oldest sometimes. |
Anonymous
| Bigger age gaps are better for the mom, both children and your quality of life overall. I wish I had known that before I had my children! My last one is five years younger than the older two and its fantastic. |
Anonymous
I think people stress way too much about the right or wrong age gap. Life happens… pretty much any age gap works out. Mine are 4.5 years apart. I much prefer that to 1-2 years apart. I have a brother 13 years younger (with no kids in between)… we’re all adults now & it’s never been a problem. We’re close. Just enjoy not having two babies at once (unless you end up with twins  .
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Anonymous
+1 I really enjoyed the baby phase of my second (nearly 5 year gap.). The baby was much wanted and I had ample time to recover from the first and re-appreciate the baby stage. I also don’t know how women do it, having a baby when their baby is still a baby |
Anonymous
| My kids are 7 and 3, because of secondary infertility. When the 3 year old was born and then a baby, it was easier than if they were closer in age I’m sure , because my 4 year old was very independent and serene. 6 and 2 was rough because they were too far apart to really play and the 2 year old held back a lot of fun activities we would have otherwise done. Now it’s getting better again since the 3 year old is more of a “kid” but they’re still far apart in terms of playing together. I do wish they were closer. But- I didn’t have the misery of a 2 year old and a newborn and I’m thankful for that ! |
Anonymous
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Maybe not what you're looking for, but I will give you my perspective as someone with an older brother 1.5 years older and a younger brother 6 years younger. My older brother and I weren't close as kids and we aren't really close now (we're in our early 40s). My younger brother on the other hand, was like my little child/playmate even when I was in high school. I took him everywhere with me, and he told me the other day that he still considers me one of his closest friends. We talk every day.
I think it wasn't that hard for my parents to have a surprise baby because they had built in babysitters/helpers. |
Anonymous
| You will be okay OP. It’s a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme of life. |
Anonymous
| It wasn't my plan to have such a big age gap (basically 5 years) but my two kids adore each other, they play nicely together and there less rivalry and competition. It has been a bit rough at times to go back I to baby life after we had completely left behind diapers and naps but is all the more bittersweet when it's your last kid |