Is it reasonable to be paid?
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Anonymous
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No, OP, it’s not selfish to want to be paid for expenses that you’ve had related to your father’s care. If you can, keep a log of your expenses, and, when he is able, talk with him about it. It would be great to either get his specific approval, or, as another PP has done, have him give you a reasonable amount to repay you for your extra expenses. If you don’t think he will be able to consent in the near future, I’m not sure what to tell you, but definitely keep meticulous records if you’re going to reimburse yourself without his active consent.
I, personally, would not consider getting reimbursed for time spent with him or advocating for him, unless you have to take unpaid leave from your job to do this. In this type of situation, I’d either let it go, or speak with an attorney about handling it correctly. OP, I hope you have the support that you need as you’re taking on these responsibilities for your dad. |
Anonymous
I control my 85yo mom’s finances and pay all her bills. I do her taxes, manage her investments, and coordinate with her assisted living. I have done so for 9 years. I don’t pay myself anything for this, even though it involves time and effort. I do it to take care of her because she took care of me when I was a child. |
Anonymous
I could say something similar. I’d add though, that the impact on my personal life and career goals will have lifelong implications. The issue here for many isn’t loving enough, or valuing reciprocity, it’s realizing that caring for a family member, for some of us, may have serious implications for our ability to care for ourselves — whether that’s taking a hit to a budget that’s already been impacted by two years of coping with COVID and inflation, or damaging job and retirement prospects because of the impact of devoting time and emotional energy to a family member’s needs. |
Anonymous
Good for you. However if people are stretched thin financially, and the parents have resource, they should be reimbursed. No need to be absolute one way or the other. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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I'm in my late 70's. If it comes to needing that kind of care and my daughter is the caregiver, of course I would expect her to be compensated both for any expenses she might incur while doing so and, yes, even for the time she would need to spend doing it. I wouldn't want it any other way, and I would happy to know that that compensation would be from my savings. Her willingness to take on that burden would be more than payback enough for what I did for her as a child. I cringe at the very thought of being a burden to her, and I suspect most people in my age group feel exactly the same.
You do what you need to do OP. You are a very good daughter, and your mother is lucky to have you. |
Anonymous
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i'm taking on the care of my mother, moving her across country to be near me in AL. Her accounts have covered my travel expenses (just the plane tickets), and I will go out again next week to get everything ready for an estate sale..that 600$ ticket saves us 5k in fees from the team of organizers I was goign to hire to deal with all my mom's stuff. I use her accounts to pay for shipping, buy her things she needs, etc. I am not paying myself for time, however. just direct out of pocket expenses. I have one sibling and we are totally transparent about it all. We took over her finances because she was making poor decisions and got scammed out of more than 30k...we are going to put a lot of time into repairing and renting her house out so she has a stable income stream that will more than cover AL, so its a lot of work to take on but I think best for her....
to OP I think its reasonable to cover your direct expenses but keep a log .As for your time, that depends on siblings and your conversations with them. |
Anonymous
| Do you have siblings? I would ask them to help pay for you parking and for the food instead of taking it out of your father’s account. No, it wouldn’t sit right with me to be paid for the time. They can pay for your parking and for the food since you are giving your time. |
Anonymous
OP, listen to PP here, especially if there is a strong possibility your dad may need Medicaid to cover his living expenses as he ages. Covering your gas in one thing, though will still need to be documented, but paying yourself for your time will be a bridge too far for Medicaid unless there is a prior arrangement to do so. They nearly never grandfather in an expense. Also, if you have siblings, you would want to clear this with them in advance. Failure to do so could be courting disaster. I would have not objected if either of my siblings had asked to be reimbursed for gas and any other expenses when caring for our parents, but it may have given me pause if I learned after the fact. I handled a lot of the paperwork and I always outlined in emails to my siblings on what was going on, my recommendations, then asking for their feedback before making a decision. GL! |
Anonymous
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You need to come up with an explicit deal with your siblings and put it in writing. He could be in and out of the hospital several more times before he passes. Don't do this for free and put yourself in the hole and carry resentment toward the siblings. If they don't want you to be paid for visiting your dad, then they need to pay someone themselves.
We had family friends where the siblings spent a decade of her life helping the mom with Alzheimer's before she passed then the 3 other siblings came with their hands out expecting 1/4 of the proceeds of the house. |
Anonymous
Being somewhere every day for 2-3 hours after your regular job is a part time job. Once a week is a visit. If you think it's no big deal, then you do it for free. |