It is said that marriage is about compromise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your case OP I’d be worrying about what you’re modeling for your kids. “Can’t lead”? Sounds awfully misogynistic to me— what happens when your daughter thinks being bossed around is just what’s normal for a woman? What happens if your son thinks he’s just “supposed” to be listened to. This is less an issue of compromise and more an issue of parenting and family dynamics. I’d get your dh into therapy before he does more damage.

I wasn’t op.

[Anonymous]

Get out. You don't gotta stay with this POS. Do a trade-in for a newer model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine had zero compromise. Divorced after 10 years.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine had zero compromise. Divorced after 10 years.

You sound like a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is about compromise. Usually the woman who has to compromise.

Not really. Women get insufferable by middle age and compromise an almost nothing.

They are "insufferable" because by the time they reach middle age they realize they are tired of always being the one to compromise, and they decide life is too short to continue living like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think our issues can be compromised on. It’s either “keep some kind of routine, and maybe should have started doing that 5 years ago.” Or “flop back and forth for years between being lazy, having fun, doing some work, getting mad at each other, panicking about life-deadlines and chaos because we DIDn’t set our kids up with any routine, wondering what happened to our time, or why your spouse is mad.”

Basically DH can’t keep to routines for the kids sake. And, now we’re fighting uphill to set up some things in our house, like summertime and kids helping with cleaning, and doing less screens. We still try to implement those things, but we have no method besides just telling them.

In addition, DH feels like I can’t lead. And it’s true. The kids tune me out, my voice is quieter and more stressed out all the time.

So DH leads the way, but he doesn’t use my ideas. Fine, I get that he has skills that he can use. But, I’m the one who reads about parenting often, and who has kept up with a huge variety of ideas on communication, problem-solving. His way isn’t wrong, it’s his way. It’s just that my way is sometimes backed up by several, several writers and family researchers.

Discipline is not about having a strong or loud voice. Your kids tune you out because let them, not because they can't hear you.

It takes a long time to get to a spot where kids do their chores without being reminded. Figure out what you want your kids to do, tell them what you want, and be clear about consequences. Then stand firm. If you want your kids to empty the dishwasher every day, then x doesn't happen until the dishwasher is empty. It doesn't take a strong voice. It takes discipline on your part and a willingness to impose consequences that kids find unpleasant.

Try taking a parenting class together. I like Parent Encouragement Program. When you are in a class together and someone else is telling you what to do, you can discuss and be allies instead of opponents.

pepparent.org

This, and get the whole family evaluated for ADHD, parents too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But how much? Sometimes it feels like to much.

As much as you both need to to make it work. Assuming both are reasonable adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my marriage is about compromise. But we have to compromise to protect it. Every time you reach an impasse, you have to ask yourself “is this worth creating conflict in my marriage?” Sometimes the answer is yes. But most of the time? It’s no.

So I don’t think of it as being about compromise. The compromises are the choices I make because I value what my marriage is actually about — loving and supporting each other, building a life together, raisin a child together, taking care of each other.

OP here. The problem comes in when it is almost always the same person backing down/giving in. And the other person not even acknowledging or realizing that, and denying it when it’s pointed out. I’m just so tired.

I find that people who think they are always the ones compromising are often unable to see when they are getting their way, often because they are entitled and just expect to get their way (and so it doesn't register when they do). Any chance that describes you?

My marriage is like PPs and I see the same thing - that people can’t see what others put in and think they are the only alone making any effort. We never keep track so I can’t tell you who compromises most in our marriage. And we’re the same about chores and responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is about compromise. Usually the woman who has to compromise.

Not really. Women get insufferable by middle age and compromise an almost nothing.

They are "insufferable" because by the time they reach middle age they realize they are tired of always being the one to compromise, and they decide life is too short to continue living like that.

Sorry, they get insufferable because of their own mental issues which have nothing to do with compromising. They try to control every aspect of the family and marriage and consequently alienate their spouse and everyone else around them. If your husband initiates a divorce it’s is likely you are an insufferable woman and have no one to blame except yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

Hahahahahaha how long have you been married/together? Do you have kids. How do you get perspective and feedback if you agree on EVERYTHING?

[Anonymous]

Depends on the compromise.
The compromise between having sex twice a week and having sex never is never.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know OP. I feel like I’ve compromised so much over the years that now I’ve compromised myself. I’m ready to separate and divorce and figure out who I am on my own.

[Anonymous]

I know compromising in marriage can be tough. I've had to do a lot of it over the years. There are some things that I know in my heart I just can't budge on for the sake of our family and everything I believe. That's when it gets tough, but God has brought us through and is always there. The best guidebook on marriage was written by the one who invented it, God. The Bible says "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth." 1 Corin 13:4-8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

No my friend. She doesn’t agree with you about everything. She’s “compromising”.

So weird when a complete stranger comes out of the blue and tries to tell a man about his own wife. So weird. But carry on...