It is said that marriage is about compromise

[Anonymous]

But how much? Sometimes it feels like to much.

[Anonymous]

I would rather think of it like collaborative problem-solving.

[Anonymous]

Mine had zero compromise. Divorced after 10 years.

[Anonymous]

It is about compromise. Usually the woman who has to compromise.

[Anonymous]

You should each be able to get your way about 25% of the time and the remaining 50% will be some kind of compromise.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think my marriage is about compromise. But we have to compromise to protect it. Every time you reach an impasse, you have to ask yourself “is this worth creating conflict in my marriage?” Sometimes the answer is yes. But most of the time? It’s no.

So I don’t think of it as being about compromise. The compromises are the choices I make because I value what my marriage is actually about — loving and supporting each other, building a life together, raisin a child together, taking care of each other.

[Anonymous]

I think both partners should keep track for a week of how many times and for what reason they did or didn't do something to avoid conflict or to not make the other person upset. Then they should sit down, go over the lists, and see if there is an imbalance. Then discuss that and try to figure out solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my marriage is about compromise. But we have to compromise to protect it. Every time you reach an impasse, you have to ask yourself “is this worth creating conflict in my marriage?” Sometimes the answer is yes. But most of the time? It’s no.

So I don’t think of it as being about compromise. The compromises are the choices I make because I value what my marriage is actually about — loving and supporting each other, building a life together, raisin a child together, taking care of each other.

OP here. The problem comes in when it is almost always the same person backing down/giving in. And the other person not even acknowledging or realizing that, and denying it when it’s pointed out. I’m just so tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think my marriage is about compromise. But we have to compromise to protect it. Every time you reach an impasse, you have to ask yourself “is this worth creating conflict in my marriage?” Sometimes the answer is yes. But most of the time? It’s no.

So I don’t think of it as being about compromise. The compromises are the choices I make because I value what my marriage is actually about — loving and supporting each other, building a life together, raisin a child together, taking care of each other.

OP here. The problem comes in when it is almost always the same person backing down/giving in. And the other person not even acknowledging or realizing that, and denying it when it’s pointed out. I’m just so tired.

I find that people who think they are always the ones compromising are often unable to see when they are getting their way, often because they are entitled and just expect to get their way (and so it doesn't register when they do). Any chance that describes you?

[Anonymous]

In my marriage, we each let go of things where we disagree, but don't ACUTALLY care that much if the other person cares more. So basically, unless it's a safety issue, whoever cares more, "wins."

For example, I think it's tacky as hell to put up cheap decor for Valentine's Day and Halloween, etc. But my husband likes to do it and the kids love it. It's not permanent, it makes them happy, so I let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my marriage, we each let go of things where we disagree, but don't ACUTALLY care that much if the other person cares more. So basically, unless it's a safety issue, whoever cares more, "wins."

For example, I think it's tacky as hell to put up cheap decor for Valentine's Day and Halloween, etc. But my husband likes to do it and the kids love it. It's not permanent, it makes them happy, so I let it go.

This is our approach too.

[Anonymous]

If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

This is an unrealistic expectation for most people.

I also think that sometimes when people believe they and their partner are always in sync, they may simply be unaware of how much their partner swallows their pride to accommodate them. They may not even understand that half the time it’s not even about agreeing on joint decisions, but simply compromising emotionally in order to ensure a more emotionally volatile partner doesn’t get upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you marry the right person you don't even need to compromise. My wife I agree on everything. Like literally everything

No my friend. She doesn’t agree with you about everything. She’s “compromising”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But how much? Sometimes it feels like to much.

It is but it can be a fair distribution though not necessarily exact equal and not all the time.