DH just accepted a job that includes 33% travel- prepare me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it financially possible to get a nanny?

Having a good nanny took so much pressure off especially when DH was deployed. She engaged my toddler all day and got her out and socializing with other kids every day as well as picked up my oldest from school to avoid aftercare. She does all the kids laundry, toy clean up, closet and dresser organization, and food preparation (she made my dinner too when DH was gone but I eat very simply and what the kids eat). It was (still is) so nice having another adult to talk to about the kids when DH was gone.

This! Our nanny stays late the nights that DH or I are traveling for work. Aside from everything else she does normally, our kids think it’s such a treat when nanny stays for dinner, bath, and bed that they don’t miss the missing parent. The extra set of hands at bath is a huge help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

I travel to Asia. Business class. And can you believe it, my jet lag is still horrendous the first 24 hours?!?! While statements are true, my tone intentionally sarcastic. Cool you can jump right in. I can't. (DW here).

You could and would do it if you didn’t have an alternative…Ie a pushover partner who you’re willing to take advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

I travel to Asia. Business class. And can you believe it, my jet lag is still horrendous the first 24 hours?!?! While statements are true, my tone intentionally sarcastic. Cool you can jump right in. I can't. (DW here).

You could and would do it if you didn’t have an alternative…Ie a pushover partner who you’re willing to take advantage of.

People are different. I have never traveled a lot for work and I don't think I could. I'd be a sick mess. I totally agree that if you have a partner who isn't bothered by personal discomfort or changing sleep patterns or jetlag or dietary changes, this won't be that hard. But many people aren't made that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it financially possible to get a nanny?

Having a good nanny took so much pressure off especially when DH was deployed. She engaged my toddler all day and got her out and socializing with other kids every day as well as picked up my oldest from school to avoid aftercare. She does all the kids laundry, toy clean up, closet and dresser organization, and food preparation (she made my dinner too when DH was gone but I eat very simply and what the kids eat). It was (still is) so nice having another adult to talk to about the kids when DH was gone.

This! Our nanny stays late the nights that DH or I are traveling for work. Aside from everything else she does normally, our kids think it’s such a treat when nanny stays for dinner, bath, and bed that they don’t miss the missing parent. The extra set of hands at bath is a huge help.

I think that's a good idea, especially with two separate pickups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies.

The marriage one is interesting and something I hadn't considered so I appreciate that. We were actually long distance our first two years of dating so I was hoping maybe some of that excitement would come back of missing each other and then finally seeing each other. We've also both been mainly WFH during the pandemic and definitely have felt very on top of each other and like we are always together and getting annoyed over petty things so I thought some distance may be welcome, but I will definitely keep your perspective in mind, PP.

I think a little absence can make the heart grow fonder, but at the same time, this seems like a pretty optimistic take. The more you get used to doing things "your way" the greater the risk that when he comes home, he doesn't really have to participate in the routine and becomes less invested in family life. It depends I think on what 33% looks like in practice. My DH went to a lot of difficult-to-get-to places so he had to leave on Sunday afternoons/ evenings and that was a real bummer and cut into our family time.

This happened to us - we developed routines that didn’t involve him, so when he was here he felt in the way (or useless), so he figured he might as well sign into work for just a minute. Have some routines that you have two versions of: when he is home and when he is gone.

Never cal yourself a single mom. You can say you are “solo parenting” for a week or whatever.

When he comes home, you will be thrilled and looking for a break. He will be jet lagged, exhausted, and looking for a break. That initial homecoming quickly turns into Suffering Olympics (I didn’t get to STTN because Baby! Well, I have been on a plane for five hours!). So be kind to both of you in that moment.

This is all so true. My husband traveled almost 100 days a year pre-Covid. Our kids were older than OPs, and we did get into a routine on our own. When he came back he tried to enforce things or do them differently, and I often got resentful because it seemed like he was dismissing the routine I had put in place. The jet lag and tiredness from travel was also an issue because like the PP said, I was ready for a break, and he was often tired and worn out from traveling.

Your husbands are punking you. DW here who also travels frequently for work (and typically to sub Saharan Africa in coach- so not exactly cushy) and solo parenting two young children is hands down much harder/more exhausting. Your spouses should be rolling up their sleeves and jumping right in when they get back.

I travel to Asia. Business class. And can you believe it, my jet lag is still horrendous the first 24 hours?!?! While statements are true, my tone intentionally sarcastic. Cool you can jump right in. I can't. (DW here).

You could and would do it if you didn’t have an alternative…Ie a pushover partner who you’re willing to take advantage of.

People are different. I have never traveled a lot for work and I don't think I could. I'd be a sick mess. I totally agree that if you have a partner who isn't bothered by personal discomfort or changing sleep patterns or jetlag or dietary changes, this won't be that hard. But many people aren't made that way.

True- and those people probably shouldn’t choose high travel jobs, especially when they have young kids.

[Anonymous]

You need a nanny who helps transport the kids to wherever they need to go. That’s it. If not, it’s on you getting 2 kids out of the house every day. No way. Get rid of the daycare right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No real help on the kids but my sister's husband travels frequently, and the reward points are amazing for them. They fly first class and go on fantastic vacations. Look into the airline credit cards and see which one will work the best. They are not terrible high income people but travel like they are.

Yes! We are looking forward to this. We already have the United card.

At that level, skip the United card and go for AmEx Platinum and/or Chase Sapphire Reserve. He'll like it because it comes with free Global Entry and Clear, as well as Hilton and Marriott Gold status (AmEx card). You'll like it because both earn points that can be trasnferred to one of a range of airlines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it financially possible to get a nanny?

Having a good nanny took so much pressure off especially when DH was deployed. She engaged my toddler all day and got her out and socializing with other kids every day as well as picked up my oldest from school to avoid aftercare. She does all the kids laundry, toy clean up, closet and dresser organization, and food preparation (she made my dinner too when DH was gone but I eat very simply and what the kids eat). It was (still is) so nice having another adult to talk to about the kids when DH was gone.

This! Our nanny stays late the nights that DH or I are traveling for work. Aside from everything else she does normally, our kids think it’s such a treat when nanny stays for dinner, bath, and bed that they don’t miss the missing parent. The extra set of hands at bath is a huge help.

I think that's a good idea, especially with two separate pickups.

+3. DH and I could only accept travel with a nanny.

[Anonymous]

High cheating rate with traveling husbands. Not saying yours will…just be aware

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High cheating rate with traveling husbands. Not saying yours will…just be aware

Especially if he happened to take a job in medical sales or pharmaceuticals

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a nanny who helps transport the kids to wherever they need to go. That’s it. If not, it’s on you getting 2 kids out of the house every day. No way. Get rid of the daycare right away.

+1000. Cobbling together babysitters will be very stressful for you. Nanny + PT preschool for the 4yo, stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it financially possible to get a nanny?

Having a good nanny took so much pressure off especially when DH was deployed. She engaged my toddler all day and got her out and socializing with other kids every day as well as picked up my oldest from school to avoid aftercare. She does all the kids laundry, toy clean up, closet and dresser organization, and food preparation (she made my dinner too when DH was gone but I eat very simply and what the kids eat). It was (still is) so nice having another adult to talk to about the kids when DH was gone.

This! Our nanny stays late the nights that DH or I are traveling for work. Aside from everything else she does normally, our kids think it’s such a treat when nanny stays for dinner, bath, and bed that they don’t miss the missing parent. The extra set of hands at bath is a huge help.

I think that's a good idea, especially with two separate pickups.

+3. DH and I could only accept travel with a nanny.

+4. Even years ago when my dad traveled and my mom was SAH, my grandmother came to stay with us.

A nanny is definitely the best way to go for everyone and it keeps your youngest out of daycare and your older child out of aftercare. With those savings, a little more will get you a nanny. You’ll be happier and so will your kids. Plus healthier.

[Anonymous]

Do talk about the marriage before all the travel starts and then check in. It definitely makes things harder from several perspectives. You have spent years building a life together and traveling gives the spouse a parallel existence you don't have much insight into. It can feel like going backwards in time in terms of partnership and intimacy.

Also, jet lag is real and sucks but he should be able to pitch in at least somewhat immediately on return.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone. I don't think there's anyway we could afford a nanny. We currently pay $1300/m total for prek, aftercare, and the in home daycare (which also provides diapers, wipes, and all food).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prepare to be a single mom and hire help (bi-weekly cleaning and a nanny/ sitter for random weekends so you can have some "me" time).

Maybe also a meal delivery service if you can afford it.

Depending on your relationship with your boss, discuss your work hours as you'll be doin the brunt of drop-offs, pick-ups, and appointments. If you have a flexible schedule already, then nvm.

Most single moms do all of this by themselves. They don't have the money to hire help like that. In fact, I am a single mom and I AM the help. I work FT and my PT job is a babysitter. Just be aware of your language.